How Not to Dress Like A Mom

Giveaway Winner and Freaky Friday!!

2012-01-27T07:43:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! If you want to see who won the mod bod giveaway, head over to the swag page to check out. Thanks to everyone who entered and shared the page with friends. I was feelin' the love, but not in a creepy date in a dark theater way.

OK! Hows about some Freaky Friday? I Have a pretty relaxed Friday planned and I am WAY too excited about it. Lunch with the hubs and then an afternoon nap with the kids? Don't mind if I do! I also just started watching Downton Abbey on Netflix and I am loving it! If anyone likes Kate Morton as a writer, you'll love this series. Very posh family drama. So that's pretty much my weekend taken care of right there.

Here we go!

Michelle sent me this offering from Pinterest. My favorite part was that it was pinned to a board that was called "Covet Worthy." Um, I think you spelled "cringe" wrong. On the bright side, I'm fairly sure you can smuggle small children in your pant legs but I'm pretty sure that's abuse.

L. sent me an entire website for JUST LEGGINGS. K, whatever, I'm fine as long as you don't wear them as pants or have suspicious color pattern darkening around your crotchal area. One of the many, many hazards of wearing jumpsuits, people!

L. also sent me what was labeled a "cotton tube." How about we just go ahead and eliminate all tube-related clothes from the earth? Jumpsuit tubes.... tube tops....tube socks.... am I missing anything? Now the word "tube" is sounding funny to me. Don't you hate when that happens? My full name is Jacqueline and when I say it too often I start thinking it's the WEIRDEST name ever.

I can't remember who sent them to me, so whoever it is, comment and claim your awesomeness!! My husband took one look at this and said, "What is that, a normal girl wearing Khloe Kardashian's pants?"

.... and that's why I married him, folks. Ouch.

Sara sent me this beaut from Etsy. It was labeled as a "Fun sweater." Really? Because to me it looks like someone got a 5 year old drunk and asked her to design a shirt for the school play. SO FUN, RIGHT?

The acid wash denim shorts are a nice touch. Do we have any nevernudes in the house?

My cute cousin Stephanie sent me this dress. Look, I Loved Toy Story 3 as much as the next mom weeping into her popcorn uncontrollably, but I've never had the desire to make my hips look wider with a squeaky toy.

OMG, I also took my daughter to Beauty and the Beast the other day and sobbed through that too. What is wrong with me!?

Stephanie also sent me this, which made me laugh because I can totally imagine my 5 year old doing this and being like "Look, mom I'm a unicorn!" And I would be all "LOL!" to her face but in private I'd ask my husband if maybe we should take her to see someone.

Can we just set a general rule that knit shorts are never a good idea? They look like thigh sweaters and that makes me uncomfortable.

This shirt/dress/tunic has split personalities. It's business at the top, dinner with the girls in the middle and then eight-grade birthday party decorations at the bottom. So... next time you have all three on the same day you are totally set.

Thanks to everyone who sent submissions to me over the last couple of weeks. You know you can also send some submissions via the Facebook page or right to my email.

Now, off to my hot date with Masterpiece Theatre... jealous?

mod bod Review and Giveaway!

2012-01-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

YAY I have been waiting for this giveaway for a week now! You guys know I don't do a lot of giveaways. I'm super selective about the stuff I choose to do (if I wouldn't wear or buy it, I can't let you guys either) and plus, I think blogs that do a giveaway every day are buggy. But this one is great, so pay attention!

mod bod contacted me to see if I'd like to do a review of their store and their latest line They started me off by sending me their Signature line to try. And not to sound like a suck-up, but they've definitely become my favorite layering tees and camis. My problem with layering stuff is I usually hate the cut. Like, the neckline is basically a turtleneck and it ruins the way things look when they're layered. mod bod stuff is super modest, but not like, nun modest. Which I appreciate. So when they invited me to come take a look at their store, I was like um, OK! Why would I turn that down?

So I popped by last Friday and started trying on stuff. When I shop, I like to put things together like a collection. Instead of grabbing willy nilly stuff that I think I like, I pick a few different pieces that I can mix and match into a ton of different outfits, so that's how I tackled this shopping trip. Check out some of the awesome finds I tried on!

Like this!

... I'm totally kidding. mod bod is absolutely not the place you'd find Pauly D crop tops. I shudder. SHUDDER.

Instead, I found gorgeous stuff like this:

I saw this cream skirt when I first walked in and was all "Hello, lover." It was the first thing I snagged to try on. I also freaked out over that leopard cardi - it's the perfect pattern without being boozy.

Right? (Excuse the mirror pics. My sister in law came with to snap some shots but the lighting in the fitting rooms was TOO good. Like, I want to go try on swimsuits there, that's how good it was.) But seriously. I love this outfit. The shirt is super textured with a brocade pattern, so it's interesting without being like I HAVE A SKIRT crazy. Oh, did I mention they had it in pink?

They do. How cute would an outfit like this be for a Valentine's Day date? Plus blush pink is HUGE right now. And with an open cardi? I die. I love the mix of the leopard with the texture of the skirt. They were meant for each other. And check out the texture and bandage effect of the shirt. It's super flattering. And the belt came with.

I also really loved this layering tee on its own. It's basic but it has the double-V to make it a little different and the fit is amazing. I'm a solid size 6 and this is a medium shirt, just for size comparison when shopping. It fit like a glove without being too tight -- another major issue with layering tees. Also, baby got back. But it's OK.

I loved their girly stuff, but they also had some harder-edge pieces that I had to try too. This old-school fisherman's sweater went right over the layering tee and looks all snuggly and hot chocolate warm.

Finally, I tried on this leather jacket because I'm OBSESSED with them and already have seven, so naturally I would want another. I loved the asymmetrical zipper and ruffles on this one to make it a little girlier. Also, boots and socks woo!

See what I mean about shopping in a collection? Literally every one of the pieces that I picked can be worn with each other, meaning I get the most bang for my buck when choosing new pieces.

Altogether, I had an awesome time at mod bod. For one, the first thing the manager said to me was "We have tons of other sizes in the back." Don't you hate it when you go to a store and they're like "Oh, if it's not out here we don't have it." Annoying, right? Plus they had super basic stuff like layering tees and camis, but then "special" stuff like a cool leather jacket or a flared ruffle skirt. Love. The sales staff was super helpful without being buggy and I loved how all the pieces went together. Kinda makes it a no-brainer when trying to make outfits.

Want to see what I went home with?

You know I can't say no to leopard, right?
Cami, cardigan and skirt: mod bod
Shoes: Steve Madden
Jewelry: F21
Also, like my new hair?

I love a mix of super girly with the pinks and floral and then tougher stuff, like leopard and dark patent leather on the shoes and belt. It's a big-time "Jae" look.

Anyway, I'm super happy with my mod bod experience and the pieces I picked up. They're awesome quality, super cute and the entire store was made up of stuff that I already love. And I'd be lying if I said my leather jacket count didn't now rest at eight.

But mod bod wants you to try out their newest line too. Seriously, I keep reaching for my camis the second they get out of the dryer, which for me is the biggest indication of how much I like an item of clothing.

SO, mod bod is offering a 25 percent off code for all online purchases when you use the code BLOGFRIENDS25 during checkout, yay! They are also having some awesome sales going on right now, so that's extra cool.

Local girls, they have stores in Springville, University Mall in Orem and in American Fork, but they also have a great online store.

And to win $70 worth of mod bod swag for yourself, click through to our swag page over here and enter away!!

What I Wore: White After Labor Day

2012-01-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

Omg, I have a major case of the Mondays today. I've been sitting at my computer for like, two hours and gotten nothing done but watched videos on Youtube, played Scramble with Friends and checked Facebook obsessively. I need a shot of motivation like, NOW.

I never understood obscure fashion rules about the colors that you can and can't wear and when to wear them. And when does the "after" Labor Day part of the rule apply? I mean, every day BUT Labor Day technically comes after. It's confusing and annoying. So I ignored it and wore my white skirt with my chambray shirt and black tights and called it good. Take that, obscure fashion rules!

Chambray shirt: Papaya
Belt: I have no earthly idea.
Skirt: Ricki's (Canada)
Tights: F21
Shoes: Charlotte Russe
Watch: Gucci
Necklace: Nordstrom

I loved the mix of a super casual shirt with a super glittery heel. I'm all about mixing and matching the two.

Glittery neck AND feet? I die. I've also heard that you shouldn't wear navy and black together. I say a hearty "Whatevs" to that!

I had my hair done last week so this is the last long hair pic. I had some cut off and went tons blonder. WOO! But I shall reveal on Wednesday, because....

...we're going to have a giveaway! Check back then for an entire store review plus some super cool swag that YOU can win! So definitely come hang out with me on Wednesday. In the meantime, I have a 1p.m. deadline for other work and it's almost here so I have to get going. Thank goodness for Mango-Peach Crystal Light and an iPod stocked with Lily Allen or I would never get anything done.

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

2012-01-20T08:29:00.001-08:00

Today is one of those Fridays that I have been off and running since the alarm hit. And I'm super excited because this afternoon I'm heading off to do some prep work for a giveaway on Wednesday, so be excited too!

The more posts I have on my site and the more colorful language I use, the more weird searches I get in my Statcounter. I'm always super amazed at how people stumble across my blog -- like, seriously, people. Besides the completely perverted, I've got an entire new batch for weirdness that came up in the keyword analysis of my website's stats. OH YEAH.

"Kama sutra snuggie."

If tacky infomercial products turn you on, you're beyond my help. Also, ew.

"How to not be like your husband's mother."

My advice would probably be to not be like your husband's mother. Because it sounds like you kind of hate her.

"Padded butt jeans."

Might I introduce you to Booty Pop? Or you can totally have some of my booty, because I'm just nice amd charitable like that.

"Sexy lamp."

I saw this in the Sky Mall catalog the last time I flew and I was like yeah, just what I need. A light fixture that is skinnier than me.

"Pictures of cute hamsters eating pencils."

...........................

I don't even know anymore.

"Foot undies."

Look, I know that these are for dance and stuff but please, they are a foot fetishist's dream.

"Wearing overalls and desperate to pee."

Oh hey, welcome to my site, anyone who has ever worn overalls. It serves you right for 1) wearing overalls in the first place and 2) Googling this instead of just using the washroom. It honestly makes me wonder what is wrong with the human race.

"Worst tube top ever."

I believe that it would be any tube top ever. This isn't "In Living Color," so you can go ahead and put some clothes on.

"Freaky bustier."

I decided to Google that exact phrase and came up with this. I believe it's from "How to Dress Like a Terrifying Russian Spy-Lady."

"Pimp clothes."

Ooh, how about a sexy pimp costume? As a special touch, this was listed for teens and it said it came with "shorts." Let me know if you can find them.

"Why I'll never dress like my parents did."

Because my dad got married in a powder blue leisure suit and that's a good enough reason for me.

"Clever ways to hide a microwave."

Well, it definitely won't fit in your purse, so I'm thinking you should just splurge and buy the popcorn AT the theatre.

"Half skirt half shorts."

These are called culottes. I had some when I was seven. STOP IT.

Well, whatever way people get here, I'm just glad you come to hang out every Friday, you big pervs!

Happy weekend, everyone!

**Please note that I moved the comments link back down to the bottom with my latest bloggy facelift. So click it and use it often or I'll be forced to eat my feelings kthanx.**

Jae Raids the Drugstore: Best (and Worst) Beauty Buys Under $10

2012-01-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

Since my family has literally been sick since November, I've had the opportunity to reacquaint myself with a very strange place: the drugstore. You see, when I was a teenager living at home, the closest place for me to buy makeup and hair stuff was the drugstore that was two blocks away from my house. I spent all of my tiny paycheques on massive amounts of eyeshadow and butterfly hair clips and whatever else was cool in 2001. Seriously, I loved that place. I would take hours to pick stuff out and then I'd rush home and try it all on like a demented beauty queen.

Since I've become oh so more mature in my old age (you guys, I was playing in the snow with my kids the other day and I fell and I've been complaining like a granny ever since) I started buying more of my makeup and hair stuff at beauty specialty stores, department stores and online. Honestly, I hadn't been in a drugstore in forever because usually we use a Walmart pharmacy and I'm picking up milk and Pullups with my prescription, not lipstick. But a couple weeks ago, Walmart didn't carry my prescription so I had to head down to Walgreens and since then, all of our stuff has been going there. The result? Hours upon hours of waiting for prescriptions that I have now spent trolling the makeup aisles for new products.

Since I totally understand that not everyone wants to go have their bank account manhandled by the ladies at the Nordstrom makeup counters, I give you some of the best (and worst) products that I've picked up during my drugstore escapades -- proof that you can find totally awesome stuff while you're picking up antibiotics and Advil.

L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes

I know I've reviewed this mascara on here before, but I picked up another tube when my pricey brand was out the other day and I remember how awesome it is. For a $8 mascara, this stuff rocks. It's the closest I've found to Diorshow, which is my all-time fave. My favorite part about it is that you can layer it really well. I hate when I go to put a second coat of mascara on and it's all crispy and gross. With this, I put on a layer, wait two minutes and then add one more for superthick lashes. I was wearing it at Christmas and my sister-in-law thought I falsies on. Score!

Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter.

I am a sucker for new types of lip color, just because I'm not a hardcore lipstick girl. I love gloss, but I feel like the color fades super fast so it's kind of a pain. When I saw this I was excited because it's kind of a mix between lipstick and lip blam. Like, it feels like chapstick going on, but gives awesome color like a lipstick. This would be AWESOME if you're new to lip color or want to try a bolder shade (red please?) I bought this color, which is a bright pink in the tube but is just pretty and rosy on my lips and it lasted forever. I also liked that it was all smooth n' stuff.

(I'm wearing it in this picture. LOVE! PS My son looks like a tiny banker.)

Suave Volumizing Mousse

It makes me really mad when spell check says that "volumizing" isn't a word. Um, shut up. OK, I am a sucker for hair products, especially ones that promise to give me big hair. And I'm kind of a mousse-aholic. But I love this stuff. It dries really soft, even when I do scrunchy curls, so I use it for both curly and straight looks, since my hair is pretty wavy in real life. And i think I paid like, $2 for this, so it was totally worth it. I used a Big Sexy Hair version of the same thing and really can't tell a huge difference, despite the fact that BSH cost $24.

Sally Hansen Salon Effects Nail Polish Strips

I would literally rather have a root canal than try and mess with these again. I picked up a box because I hate doing my nails only to have them chip and figured this would last longer. It might have if I'd actually been able to put them on. First of all, each strip is encased in roughly 79 pieces of peely plastic, which means they make a HUGE mess. Second, they're pretty much impossible to apply I gave up and put them on my daughter. She loves them but I don't have the heart to tell her that they're slightly crooked. So I won't. Stab me with a spoon these were annoying.

Maybelline Mineral Power Foundation

I ran out of my precious Bare Minerals right before my trip to Canada, so I rushed to the drugstore since I didn't have a chance to get to the mall. I figured that all mineral powders were created equally, and I was close. This is a really great substitute for the real deal. If you want to try mineral foundation but don't want to fork out $25 for the stuff, try this. The coverage was fine, although I don't think it lasted as long as Bare Minerals. Also, you don't get the range of colors that you do with Bare Minerals, so it wasn't the exact match I usually get. But totally worth it to stash in my makeup bag -- I really liked the supersoft brush that came with it too!

Beyond the Zone Rock On Dry Shampoo

K, this is kind of cheating because I didn't buy this myself. But I went to a "Favorite Things" party with my friends and this is what I won. One of my friends (Hi, Tamera!) brought this to share and I'm glad she did, because it was magical. Everyone knows about dry shampoo, right? It's a powder spray that you can use to revive your hairstyle when it's oily or just flat. You might not be able to find this brand at the drugstore, but I've also tried the Suave dry shampoo and liked it a lot too. Definitely a must for time-crunched mornings.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll give a pic of me with dry shampooed hair. BUT I literally took this picture as I rolled out of bed and sat down to work for the day and i am not wearing a stitch of makeup. BEWARE.

But see? My face looks tired but my hair looks like it's actually DONE. I sprayed my roots with dry shampoo and then just fluffed with my fingers and got like 30-second hair right out of bed without doing anything special. It's awesome and one of my secrets to faking like I actually put myself together everyday. Totally doable.

Alright, so now I have divulged my guilty pleasure for low priced cosmetics (hence my insane obsession with buying stuff from e.l.f.). What's your favorite budget beauty buy that you can't live without?

What I Wore: Reformed Tomboy

2012-01-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

Growing up with four brothers, I was a hopeless tomboy. I feel bad for my mom, who thought that she finally got her girl who she could dress up and do girly things with. At age five, I threw a tantrum about my waist length hair and had it cut to my chin. At age nine, I quit dance class to play soccer. And at age 12, I was wearing my little brother's clothes on a daily basis. Did I mention that my brothers are all freakishly large? Despite me being three years older, my brother and I shared the same shoe size when we were kids. I have this amazing picture of me as a 12-year-old, backwards hat, oversize shirt, cutoffs and high tops. You would NEVER know it was me. I was 16 or 17 before the switch in my head turned on and I started acting like, you know, a GIRL.

(Case in point: this is me at age 11, dressed as a hobo for Halloween. Like, really? I HAVE A BEARD.)

But, I still consider myself a bit of a tomboy. I don't mind getting dirty, I have a secret love for video games and I'll always have a soft spot for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So when I spotted this sweater, it reminded me of my tomboy days and I had to have it. It kinda reminded me of a referee, so I added some super awesome knee socks and paid homage to my weirdly boyish soccer-loving heritage.

Sweater: F21
Jeggs: F21
Socks: Abercrombie & Fitch
Boots: Breckelle's
Necklace: Local

And yes, those socks do have bows on them. I bought two pairs. It was one of those shopping triumph moments. I thought they were $13 and when I went to check out they were only $4 so I was like WAIT I WANT MORE. So I also have them in gray. Knee sock love forever.

I don't think anyone would accuse me from being anything but supergirly now, but aside from the hot pink socks I would say this look is all tomboy. It makes me want to go throw a yellow card at someone.

I won't though, because that would be really weird.

Freaky Friday: Reader Submissions

2012-01-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, you all know how much I love you, right? Blogging seriously sucks if you don't have awesome readers and hilarious comments and if I didn't get either I'd basically become depressed and eat more Chick-Fil-A than I already do (and trust me, the entire chain is not ready for that.)

My favorite thing about my readers is that they always take time to send me awesome Freaky Friday posts, which make me inexplicably happy. Let's keep doing that, OK? You can email them over or post them on the Facebook page (see the box to the right) so we can all make fun.

But seriously, let's check out some of the stuff you lovelies sent me over the holidays.

Ohh more droopy pants from Stephanie. She knows how I roll. My favorite part is the loin cloth that ties to the knees for no reason at all.

Anna alerted me to this picture of Jennifer Hudson.

*Awkward pause* Um, look. Jennifer. Jenn. Jenny. I'm really ahppy you're skinny and stuff now, but that does NOT make it OK for you to dress like Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed. For one, Drew Barrymore looks HORRIBLE in that movie. Secondly, she was high when she wore the outfit. SO. Yeah.

Stop looking so excited, Drew.

Nat (our former maternity fashion guru) sent me this on the Facebook page because she knows well that I have a peacock obsession.

I just wonder if it's ENOUGH peacock, you know? She could have at least worn a feather in her hair.

Ashley snapped a picture of these shoes when she went to a party over the holidays and I LOVE HER for it. Listen, ladies. If your shoes have eyes, they're probably looking up your skirt and that's weird and uncomfortable.

Andrea sent me this Vera Wang offering. What I love most is that it looks like my face when I really cold and wear a hoodie cinched as tight as it can go to stay warm. Except it is cinched around her crotch. I've never had cause to do that... even when it's really, really cold... but to each his own!

Also, I should point out that wearing my hoodie like that is super unattractive and I look like a small Gremlin and my husband makes fun of me. So I don't recommend it.

Oh, Mina, thank you for sending me these pants. It's proof that your pants don't have to be tight for you to have the droopiest case of camel toe EVER.

Also... those are some gnarly Aladdin ankles.

Like... I don't even dry clean clothes that say "dry clean only." Do you really think I'm going to detangle my dress? (Thanks, Tracy!)

I got these gems in my email from Beth. These 100 percent remind me of when the Beast turns into a human and for a few seconds he has weird foot-paw hybrids. And then I cry even though I'm a grown woman.

Thanks for the submissions friends, and keep 'em coming! I make audible *squee!* noises when I get them and they make us all happy, right?

Good Bones

2012-01-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

*** Did any of you miss the most awesome Kardashian photo ever? If you did (and SHAME ON YOU) check out my page and let's all make fun. Also, I saw a headline that read -- not kidding -- "Kim Kardashian replaced by French bulldog in Super Bowl commercial. It was a great day. ***

SO. Today I wanted to talk about something that has always bugged me a little. And since I generally have a short fuse, that category includes things like helicopter parents, people who think that their baby is a genius, people who walk slow in malls, Lady Gaga's shenanigans and people who confuse tights as pants. But you know what really annoys me?

The show "What Not to Wear."

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love me a makeover show and I wish Clinton Kelly could join Tim Gunn and be my best gays -- or best... ambiguous sexual orientation friends -- but one thing really bothers me about the show. You know the part when they throw out all of the poor person's clothes? That bugs me.

Here's why. When was the last time a fairy godmother -- or Stacy London -- appeared out of nowhere with $5,000 for you to spend? So there's probably a good chance that you'll never in your entire life have cause to toss out your entire wardrobe and start fresh. So that means you're pretty much workin' with what you have at this point. And while some clothes really need to be trashed, I generally think it's a rare person who doesn't have the good bones of a decent wardrobe already in her closet.

Even if you don't have a ton of money to spend on your clothes, I bet you have a couple of bucks here and there to buy the elements that could update a sloppy tee or your old faithful pair of jeans. Can we talk about this and I'll show you how? While I wish I could go through everyone's closet and yank out the pieces that don't work, you'll have to be satisfied with seeing some of the ways you can work stuff you already own into different, HNTDLAM-approved looks.

A Sloppy Shirt

This Gap tee is one of the most unstructured pieces of clothing I own. In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a high-detail super structured girl. While I think it's great, it can definitely look a little sloppy when I wear it with the wrong stuff -- especially my husband's basketball shorts. And who doesn't own a baggy white tee? If you don't, I would say you're probably a martian. Either way, you can totally update it by pairing it with skinnies. These are my beloved red ones and I scored them for $19. I just tucked the shirt in messily and added some heels and it's an instant upgrade. Another thing I sometimes do to make a white tee look more feminine is just roll the sleeves up once or twice. It just makes it look a little less I-won-this-at-a-school-fundraiser-esque,

A Button-Up (Or Button-Down I am So Conflicted)

Abercrombie Fitch long sleeve shirt, $24
Billabong long maxi skirt, $44
Wet Seal flat shoes, $15
Pewter jewelry, $13
Pendant, $15

I confess, I think I like button ups more than the average bear. It's like I'm just drawn to them because I love masculine styles with feminine touches. Yeah, button ups look super cute with boots, but how awesome would it be with something super girly, like a maxi skirt? Totally unexpected but still comfy enough to wear to lunch with the girls. I would wear major jewelry for fun but you could totally ditch the jewels and wear this to something super casual. It's a great way to get more mileage out of one super simple piece of clothing.

A Good Pair of Flats

I use flats to help tone down outfits that might be otherwise too va-va-voomy for regular use. It's like you can always get two outfits out of the same skirt: wear it with heels for superlong legs and to impress your hubby or tone it down with flats and you can wear it to a PTA meeting -- not that I have ever been to one. I wore this to something pretty casual, so out came the flats. Seriously, they are like no-fail footwear and you should absolutely fine a pair that you love. When it doubt, bring 'em out because they're more formal than sneakers but more casual than heels. Win-win, right?

A Pair of Straight-Legged Jeans

Old Navy fair isle cardigan, $30
Old Navy graphic tee, $17
H m blazer, £25
Quiksilver straight leg jeans, $42
High heels, $50
Toms shoes, $48
Fergalicious black flat boots, $40
Crystal earrings, $30

Miss Selfridge circle earrings, £8.50
TopShop white shawl, £22
Dorothy Perkins tan belt, $9

If you only had the budget to buy one pair of jeans, I would definitely recommend a dark wash straight-legged pair. If you already have some in your closet, you need to know how super versatile they are. I'm wearing mine today! Check out the outfits above. They all have the same jeans. But since the leg is straight, you can cuff it over heels, tuck it into boots or even wear them with your super casual outfits (So I love TOMS, shut up.) Most other jeans need a specific type of shoe to look good, but you can get away with all of them if you have a good straight legged pair. Seriously, try and see how many outfits you can put together with them and you might not need to do a lot of shopping.

A Skinny Belt

I make no apologies for this: I love my Walmart belt. It was super cheap and it's reversible between cream and white. All I have to do is click the belt buckle around. I wear it SO MUCH. Obviously. If you have a skinny belt on hand, you can update a ton of outfits by just slapping a belt around them. I love the cardigan in this picture, but on its own it can look really conservative and that's just not me. I'll seriously belt anything... cardigans, jackets, pencil skirts, you name it. It's an awesome way to define your waist and look like you know what you're doing in one fell swoop. Just don't wear it to Thanksgiving dinner or you'll feel like it's going to pop open and hit someone in the eye.... not that I know that from personal experience or anything.

So, I challenge you to take a look at your closet and identify it's good bones. You'll probably find that instead of having nothing to wear and being sick of anything, there's a few pieces that can be reworked and worn in different ways to make them look more flattering and current. And since that saves you money, you can send the rest of it to me! YAY!

PS: What is your favorite closet staple? I would definitely say my straight-legged jeans and my beloved boots, but I'll take suggestions!

What I Wore: When I Felt Fat

2012-01-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

I hate missing a Freaky Friday post but Friday went completely out of control and I ended up with this instead.

I won't go into the nitty gritty details because after the whole pneumonia post you're probably like "OMG Jae shutup with the health stuff." Let's just say my Friday started off with a trip to the emergency room, a bag of fluid and five doses of morphine being pumped into me via IV and a weekend on straight narcotics. Is that enough information? I'm fine now, just a little dizzy and WAY behind on deadlines, but it'll be OK. Also... my house is a mess. My husband thinks that I'm the catalyst to a messy house, but look what happens after a weekend where I spent all my time in bed drooling on my pillow. YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed on Sunday morning because I can't stand to be sick for long periods of time. Remember that time I spent a month and a half in the hospital? (Seriously, only click that link if you have 7 hours to read through those posts. I'm warning you now) Yeah, that'll cure you pretty fast from ever wanting to stay in bed, which usually means I push it when I'm still sick and end up sicker. Anyway, thanks to the fluid I had on Friday, I was pretty darn puffy. I probably would have gotten over it except my five year old told me I looked pregnant while I was getting dressed. Um, thanks. So I initiated my patented formula for fat day fashion -- a loose top and a cute blazer.

Cami: American Eagle
Blazer (Is it weird that I'm digging shoulder pads?): F21
Skirt: I can't remember! Somewhere in Canada when I went to visit my BFF.
Shoes: Windsor (Yes, THESE are the ones from my blog that my hubby bought for Christmas. WIN)
Pearls: Nordstrom
Locket: Vintage ca. 1945 (more about that later)
Bracelets: Charlotte Russe
Ring: F21
Pin: Local

So yeah, this is me puffy and on fluids. I am obsessed with this floaty cami because it hides everything. I wore it to Christmas dinner to hide the turkey baby I was carrying around afterward. Add a structured blazer or cami and it looks put together even though I was clearly on Percocet. GO ME.

After taking these pictures I had a four hour nap. Seriously, I don't even remember taking these.

When I wear a really subdued color palette, like cream on black, it means I wear more accessories. Here's a good closeup of everything together. Interesting without being too much.

How pretty is the bottom of this cami? Answer: very pretty. Pleats and ruffles and chiffon - I want it all. Also, check out this locket. It was a gift from my parents for Christmas -- a 1940s era Royal Canadian Air Force locket from WWII. They were called "Sweethearts lockets" because the men would send them home to their girlfriends and wives while in service. Pretty amazing, right? I've resolved to wear it as much as possible.

Anyway, I think I'm on the mend now, but don't be surprised if my next post is "How to Style Your Hospital Gown: 6 Ways to Glam Up the Green!"

Christmas Dish and New Year's Resolutions: 2012

2012-01-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

(My house after the festivities. It's clean now and Christmas has been boxed up and thrown in the basement. It feels goooood. I actually missed seeing my floor.)

Now that everything is back to normal, did everyone have a good holiday? Mine was pretty good so I thought I'd better dish on what the hubs pulled out of his hat this year. First off, we decided to scale back this year because we traditionally get a little out of control, especially when it comes to buying for the kids. We set a limit on the number of presents for them and ourselves, which was a first. But we still did pretty well!

For one, my husband bought those lace heels in my Glammy Gifts post. YES! The Windsor ones that sold out right after that! He snagged a pair and I can't wait to show you them with an outfit. I'm not gonna lie, I wore them on Christmas I was so excited. He also got me a new handbag, which I needed desperately. You guys, I was still carrying a white cross-body bag after Labor Day THE HORROR. Now I have a super awesome black slouchy satchel with fringe detail and I'm in love. Also, it has leopard print on the inside. Score! But the most romantic he got me BY FAR was...

...wait for it....

A new desk chair! I know it sounds weird, but as a freelance writer I spend about 20 hours a week parked at my desk. My old chair was falling apart and had no padding left on the bottom and liked to fling me backwards at surprising times. My new one has awesome features like LUMBAR SUPPORT. That makes me feel old, but I actually cared about it. I am a big fan.

Anyway, enough about Christmas, it's time to talk New Year's resolutions. Last year I set out to work on being a better "me" and I think I succeeded. I wasn't as hard on myself as I usually was and I took some deep breaths to get through some stressful times in 2011.

Along with the usual eat better, exercise, read more and grow my nails resolutions that I usually set, I decided on another new one.

The other day I was in the shower, where I do my best thinking. I was thinking about how the words "mother" and "martyr" are so similar. I think a lot of mothers become martyrs without even thinking about it. Once you have a child, all of a sudden the old you dies a little death and you're suddenly someone's mom. The result is that you put someone else before you at all times.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kidlets and would do anything for them, but I had a little identity crisis after having my second. My daughter had a friend playing at our house and she kept saying "Addison's mom?" and I was like hold up, wait! I'm someone's mom? I mean, I had been for several years at that point but I'd never thought much about it.

As moms, there's something we all learn about too well from the start: sacrifice. We sacrifice sleep for a fed, diapered baby. We sacrifice careers to stay at home or sacrifice time with kids to work. We sacrifice a nap for a clean house and a clothing budget to keep our kids dressed. We sacrifice the dinner we want for chicken nuggets and macaroni and then sacrifice The Bachelor for another Netflixed episode of Go Diego Go. We essentially become martyrs the moment we become mothers because that's what you do when you have small humans that depend on you for everything.

But there are some things that I don't think are worth sacrificing. I think it's my opportunity and my responsibility to teach my children how to prioritize. Essentially, the things that they see me stressing over and putting first are those values that they'll come to prioritize themselves one day.

So I won't be the mom who brings the creative and healthy snack to kindergarten. But I still make time to go and help out a couple times a month.

I can't be the kind of mom who does a daily craft with her kids. But I will drag out their bikes so they can play outside.

I won't ever be the mom who carpools, brings her kids to piano, dance and flute lessons, but I can let me kids try new things.

I totally suck at baking from scratch, but I'll make sure my kids can help me pour the premade mix into the bowl.

I'm not the mom who plans daily learning opportunities for her kids, so how about a trip to the dinosaur museum and some frozen yogurt?

I've learned that while I might not be the most maternal person in the world, I can raise my kids on my own terms without being a complete martyr to who I really am as a person. I want to raise a daughter who is independent and plays by her own rules and a son who is curious and funny. I don't want them to think that being the best matters as much as doing your best matters. I can't do that if they see me as a complete slave to stuff that doesn't count.

So, my new year's resolution this year is to prioritize. Not only to show my kids what's really important, but to be a better mom because I'm me, not because I've killed off the old Jae to make room for someone who fakes it. I'll sacrifice my time, my energy and my terrible reality shows for my kids, but I won't sacrifice myself.

I know that my children are mine for a reason. No other mom will do as good of a job with them as I can, even a mom who bakes from scratch and does flash cards from birth. So I accept that challenge and will do the best with the tools and talents I have, even if that means the occasional meal from a box in exchange for pillow fights and making a fort with blankets instead. Because that's the kind of mom I am.

Thanks for another great year on HNTDLAM.

Kisses,

Jae

PS: So, now that I've revealed my resolution, what's yours?

PPS: For a great talk on choosing sacrifices and other resolution ideas, check this out.

What I Wore: Laundry Day

2012-01-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

YAY! I'm finally better. Those antibiotics kicked pneumonia's butt and that means no old-timey sickness for me. Seriously, I guess once you've had it, you're super prone to getting it again, so two points for me.

Now that I'm back to posting, how was everyone's Christmases? I'll dish a little more about mine and reveal my new year's resolutions on Wednesday, but in general -- minus the Black Plague -- it was awesome. I wore this outfit the week before Christmas but never had a chance to post it, so it must have its time to shine.

That being said, I think when magazines run stories on "shopping your closet" and being a "recessionista" are SO. OBNOXIOUS. Nothing like being told by some New York City writer that you can "totally repurpose that fur stole you've had in the back of your closet by wearing it with your new $995 Jimmy Choo pumps!" Please, could you be any more out of touch? First of all, most moms don't have the money for that kind of stuff and if they did, it would be ruined by children in like three seconds. I have one pair of designer heels and my daughter wears them more than I do, k cupcake? So when someone tells me to get through the recession by "shopping my closet" I get a major case of the stabbies.

BUT! When I had to go to a casual party and my usual standby (my black blazer) was in the laundry pile, I had to "shop my closet" to find something that was a little bit structured that I could wear with my awesome party heels. I also needed some room because I'd be eating. A lot. A trend I've continued all through the holidays and am now paying for today.

All I could find that was clean was my drapey cardigan. You know the one. We all have them. Those sloppy, open-front cardis that were really big last year and are worn by Paula Deen? Yeah. Usually I wear mine when it's cold and I feel fat, but I needed to repurpose it for something more fun. So I went to work with my skinnies, a belt and a pop of color and faked like my sloppy cardigan was a structured blazer.

DIRTY LAUNDRY WIN.

Teal tunic: Charlotte Russe
Cardigan: Devoted
Belt: My beloved reversible Walmart lovely!
Skinnies: F21
Heels: Charlotte Russe
Earrings: Ardene (Canada)

I really, really wanted to wear my new shoes, which I bought for a steal (seriously, they were $17 on the Saturday after Black Friday) so I just went with the whole blue thing. It's hard to tell in the pics, but they are navy. What's that? You'd like to see them? OK.

Oh so pretty!

While my daughter was taking pictures, my son wanted to get in on the action. He's two. When I handed him the camera, he started directing me. He was like "Move there... hand on head... say CHEESE!" This is what he got:

Yup, I'd say he has a bright future.

But seriously, how awesome are these earrings? They're silver with white feathers. You know I love the drama.

Add those to a super simple black mani and I was ready to stuff my face with food, even without my trusty black blazer. Take that, housework. I knew there was a reason I shop so much.

Now things are getting back to normal, even though my daughter doesn't get back to school til Wednesday. I'm so holidayed out that I'm craving my old schedule again. I'm super excited to dish on what the hubs got me for Christmas on Wednesday! Hint: He's been reading my blog.

Merry Christmas, from the Kardashians

2011-12-19T09:48:00.000-08:00

Instead of an outfit, I had to post this instead.

I know you've all been waiting for it...

The Kardashian's Christmas card

This is *almost* as good as when Barbara Walters told the Kardashians they didn't have any talents on her special last week.

Except, if getting your picture taken for nothing and wearing androgynous tuxedos is a talent.... the K's totally win, hands down.

Also... is it me or does Kim look *really* lonely up there?

K, what do you guys think of the pic? 10 points and total street cred for the funniest comment!

Freaky Friday: Top 12 Worst Christmas Gifts of All Time

2011-12-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

So we covered awesome Christmas gifts that anyone (read: me) would be more than overjoyed to receive, but what about the craptastic gifts you get? I should note that birthdays and Christmas make me want to die most of the time because of all the people watching your reaction to gifts. I am not a good actor. Like, at all. Now I've learned to tell everyone to get me gift cards and it's much better, but I still get sweaty and nervous around present time.

So this year, I'm going to set my sights low with these awful gift ideas. That way, I'll be pleasantly surprised when I receive cat figurines and whatnot.

This is gonna be a good one!

The Golf Urinator. Besides the fact that your husband is a GROWN MAN AND CAN PEE IN THE POTTY, this looks like he's doing something really suspicious under that privacy towel. No one wants to golf with the guy who carries a "privacy towel," regardless of what it's for.

Ever wonder how much you weigh when compared to a rhinoceros?

Yeah, me neither. Like, ever.

Like, I would punch in the face the person who gave this to me.

My mom gives me a shoe-a-day calendar every year that I LOVE. But a garden variety, 12 month landscape calendar? I get like, 20 from my dentist so I'm good thanks.

Self help books. Especially ones that you would never have cause to use. I usually avoid huge ships by walking on sidewalks instead of water.

Gifts that say "I think you're a lazy creepy cat lady." Even if you know a lazy creepy cat lady, she doesn't need to be reminded. As she eats her TV dinner for one, she instinctively knows.

Gift baskets. Because there's like, one thing in there you actually like and the rest is jam and mustard that congeals in the back of your fridge until July.

This is exactly what it looks like. For best results, buy these for your mother-in-law and wink suggestively.

Flasks! No one wants a flask for Christmas, despite their appearance on every "What to Buy for Men" list EVER. Even if it has cool cowboys on it, you do not need to carry alcohol in your pocket.

Or in your bra. Besides the fact that you're drinking alcohol from a tube between your boobs, I feel like this is pretty much one stop from both alcoholism and sexual harassment.

Onion goggles for the person who doesn't have friends, yet loves a good oniony omelet.

I know what you're wondering: what does the mysterious Paris Hilton smell like?

Chlamydia. The answer is chlamydia.

Not only a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater, but a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater that lights up with LED lights. Because when you're a loser, you're also a loser in the dark.

Did I forget anything? As long as you avoid these, you're golden for Christmas shopping this weekend. Happy Friday!

Glammy Gifts on the Cheap 2011

2011-12-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

Alright, I'm back from my vacation! Seriously you guys, the first day back always SUCKS. I had no food in the house and all my clothes were dirty so I called it my day off and didn't properly get dressed this morning. Aaaaand I've worn a baseball hat all day.

But it was an awesome trip. Hanging out with my family is totally boss, especially when we do things like play Taboo and go shopping with the entire population of Toronto and eat our weights in sausage rolls and chicken balls and then make jokes about chicken balls because like wiener jokes, they never get old. Yeah, that's my family. But now I'm home with the Mr., which is good because he spent the weekend recaulking our bathtub and for some reason, that makes me inexplicably sad. And NOW it's almost CHRISTMAS.

Well, this is my third year of doing Glammy Gifts on the Cheap and as usual, all it really did was supply me with links to send to my husband via Gmail Chat for things that I want.

Totally worth it.

But seriously, we're a mere week-and-a-half away from Christmas, so if you're stuck for ideas for your mom, sis, friend or YOURSELF, totally check this stuff out. You absolutely do not have to spend a ton and you'll totally be the hero. Because no one wants another Clay Aiken CD or self help book. Unless you're my mom. She devours self help books like I devour Chick-Fil-A. Meaning daily and like someone is going to take them away.

I totally sent these shoes to my hubs. I MUST HAVE THEM. They are super Valentino-esque, but only cost $33. While you're checking out that website, look for other shoes. They are so cute I might eat a baby and die. In that precise order. Because who eats babies postmortem? I mean really, be serious.

This bag has super luxe details. The quilting makes it look like money, but it's really only $38. Get this for your mom and maintain angel child status the rest of the year. Actually, I want this too. Give it to me instead.

Oh, you knew that some Forever 21 jewels would make their way onto my list. And why not? This major necklace is only $12 smackaroos and it would make a huge difference with the regular old v-neck sweater.

I'm all about the scarf, but especially if it's as cool as this one from TopShop. The red leopard is amazing because it's unexpected. Can you imagine this with a white tee, jeans and riding boots? Fuggedaboutit. Give one to your BFF for like, $20.

And speaking of leopard, how crazypants amazing is this little clutch? This would be the best with a LBD or a blushy-colored sweater. Snag it from Nordstrom and give it to your sister and then borrow it back because that's how you roll. (I don't have sisters but I totally did this to my best friend.)

Gloves are so retro and ladylike that I can't even stand it. I want a buttery pair with femmy details like these. Bows or buttons preferred. This set is $28 and make me want to drive around and wave at people. No really, they do that in my town.

If you don't have a cute pair of riding boots yet, put 'em on your wish list, then gently direct your significant other/mom/small child in the direction of Old Navy for this pair. They're $32 and pretty much the perfect height. Love the buckle-y details too! I always end up shopping for myself when I go Christmas shopping anyway. Last time I went I came home with two new pairs of earrings, a scarf and a sweater.

OK, I know you're rolling your eyes and saying "Jae, enough with the peacock" BUT HEAR ME OUT. If you or someone you know needs a style intervention, something demure like this adds a little more style without being too whackadoo. It's a good way to ease into style and this baby is only $4 so it's practically sacrilege not to buy it. What's that? I don't really understand the meaning of sacrilege? Shut up.

So does that help or hurt your shopping efforts? I'm nowhere near as organized this year as I usually am. Like, I'm making a shopping list tonight whereas I'm usually done in November. Oh well, I kinda love the craziness of it all.

So now my burning question is: what are you asking for on Christmas this year? I need some ideas! So far it's been shoes.... some more shoes... and a wakeboard. Yes. I know I am a strange and mysterious girl.

Non-Scary Festive Party Wear

2011-12-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

***Hey guys, I'm still up here hanging out in Canada, but I thought this might be a good refresher now that party season is in full swing. Also, I'm wearing navy glitter pumps tonight because it's CHRISTMAS and it's OK to wear full-on glitter. ***

Sorry that the post is late today. The skies dropped a glorious eight inches of snow on the ground after like, two weeks of 50 degree temps. The warmth was nice, but seriously? There best be some snow for Christmas. So my daughter and I just spend the last two hours attempting to build a snowman in the front yard instead of me pounding away on the computer. Now I'm soaking wet and just want to watch TV all night. But I did this first. Let it be known that I am a semi-dedicated fashion blogger.

Anyway, tis the season for awkward Christmas get-togethers! I've already have several, and have a few more on tap. My husband's work party is next week, and seeing as he's the only one at the company under the age of 40, it's always a real winner. But I know a lot of you guys stress when you get that holiday party invitation, ESPECIALLY when you have no idea what type of party it is.

If it's an ugly sweater party, I highly recommend this:

This is my brother wearing his shirt he MADE for an ugly sweater party. He took my mom's advent calendars that had pouches for candy, and sewed them onto his shirt and stuffed them with treats. Yeah. That's my family.

But, in the off chance that you need to look presentable and stylish for your party, wear something else. What you wear depends completely on the type of party that it may be: casual, semi-formal, or formal. For a clue on what type of party you're attending, take into consideration the invite and the location. You should get a pretty good idea of what kind of party it is if it's hosted at someone's house versus a ballroom, right? At least, I FEEL like you should.

My favorite thing about holiday parties is that you can take a few fashion risks in the name of being festive. For instance, I purchased a fur and sequin shrug for reasons I don't quite understand, but I can finally wear it to a party next week. FESTIVE. So don't be afraid to try something new: a red lip, sparkly heels, whatevs. It's the holidays and no one will judge you for it. Want to see some outfits? I knew you would.

If you're going casual:

Let It Be Me Blazer, 30 AUD

Daytrip Libra Stretch Trouser, $50
Not Rated In NYC - Red, $45
faux fur clutch, 30 GBP
Crystal Circle Earrings, Gold, $50
Short sleeve top Red, 28 GBP

Casual parties during the holidays call for somethign a little more polished than a tee and jeans. My choice for dressier casual is always trouser jeans. They look dressed up while still being jeans so you don't feel totally overdressed. Pair them with a special-fabric top and a little blazer and you are good to go! Also, you'll notice that every outfit has a clutch. That's because holidays are for clutches. Large awkward bags under the table: No. PS I LOVE THESE SHOES.

If your party is semi-formal:

Cream 1/2 sleeve v-neck top, 7 GBP
15" Elastic Waist Metallic Lace Tiered Skirt with Tie, $20
Gap Heavy opaque tights, $15
Bow Heel Pumps, $25
Nude metallic ruffle clutch, 22 GBP
Flower cuff bracelet, $5.99
Metal Mesh Necklace - Women's Clothing and Apparel - Chic Dresses,..., $29

I always reach for skirts for a semi formal affair. That means anything at something more than a casual dining restaurant, a catered dinner at home, etc. When in doubt, call the hostess and ask what she's wearing, and you'll know to dress the same. Now I love the idea of a flouncy part skirt. With the satin bows, it just makes me feel happy and festive. Just tone it down on top with an unfussy shirt. Also, it's freezing out there: wear tights. As long as they look current, you're golden.

If your party is formal:

Closet purple stripe tab dress, 30 GBP
embellished waist jacquard bandeau dress, 26 GBP
Black faux fur shrug, 32 GBP
diamond a day tights, $15
Chic Stiletto Heel Boots, $33
Steve Madden Haylow, $90
Jessica McClintock Sequins & Satin Floral Clutch, $50
Zebra Clutch, $42
Tasha Multi Row Crystal Bracelet, $48
Vintage Cameo Pearl Style Drop Earrings (Burn Gold), 12 GBP
Silver Tiered Chandelier Earrings, $42
Ladies Florence Frill Belt, 5 GBP

Cocktail parties, parties held at a swanky restaurant or bar, etc. need formal attire. Now, unless you're going to the Academy Awards or Cinderella's ball, don't wear a long dress. It will come off as WAY too formal, and you know how I feel about being overdressed. A short, cute cocktail dress is fine. If you feel underdressed, use accessories to take it up a notch. Patterned tights are still the love of my life, and they look so cute when worn with slouchy boots. Also, please note the fur shrug on the gold outfit. So unnecessary, yet it makes me feel happy and festive.

It's no secret that I abhor Christmas-y gear, like bell earrings, reindeer sweaters, appliques and the like. You don't need to walk around looking like the Target Christmas section barfed on you to look festive. LEave it to the details: A sequin bow here, a shiny bangle there. And you'll be dressed just right. Later, your husband's boss will notice how polished and put together you are and give YOU a bonus for making the party more stylish. Or, I can only assume that's what happens.

What I Wore: LBD Love

2011-12-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

OK, this week is going to be a little crazy all over the place because I'm heading up North on Wednesday for a week. But I'll still check in periodically and make fun of people traveling in Juicy sweatsuits, I promise.

So eShakti.com approached me a couple of weeks to see if I wanted to try and review one of their pieces from their awesome website. Of course I said yes, and I immediately knew I wanted to pick an LBD for parties and whatever this season. I have a few LBDs in my closet that I love, but they tend to be more "va-va-voomy" and I had my heart set on something more flirty and less Jessica Rabbit. I mean, I love Jessica Rabbit... but not all day, every day. Take note, Kim Kardashian.

This is the dress I picked out. Not only is it crazy adorable, but the eShakti ordering process allows you to get your exact size measurements and customize the pieces to your requests. I loved this dress but I asked for it slightly shortened and with short sleeves for more of a party look. I love love love it with some grown-up Mary Janes and a patterned tight!

Cardi: Dillards
Dress: Courtesy eShakti.com
Tights: F21 (Where else? lol)
Shoes: Charlotte Russe
Ring and hair bow: Payless
Earrings: Local boutique

The layered tiers on this dress are exactly what I wanted for a pretty party dress. Since it's made of a more casual fabric, I also want to try it with a scarf, jean jacket and boots for casual wear. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

This is all one ring. Awesome? I think so. And so did the girl at Barnes and Noble who was my cashier while I bought this book on Saturday night. I party hardy. Also, I did a gunmetal manicure to keep the look from getting too sweet. I haven't bitten my nails for a whole month! My mom promised me a manicure in Canada and it's gotten me through the last week.

Anyway, eShakti has been awesome enough to offer any of my readers $20 off their orders by using code MOMJEANS0811. Unlike the regular promotion they offer on their site, this code can be used as many times as you want until Dec. 31st, 2011. You can still just use one code per order. Sooo... I would definitely email the code and your shopping list to your hubby STAT. That's how I got my favorite skirt last year, ladies. It's called "taking the bull by the horns" or something like that. I'm totally happy with my new LBD and totally recommend you start getting your festive wardrobe together ASAP... just no bell earrings or reindeer shirts kthanx.

Happy shopping!

Freaky Friday: A Major Case of the Stabbies

2011-12-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

I recently spent some time with a person who was a "cost-dropper."

Oh, you don't know what that is? A cost-dropper is someone who always wants you to know how much everything she bought cost her. Cost-dropping can be annoying when a person always wants you to know how cheap everything she bought was, but it's roughly 67.9 times more annoying when she wants you to know how EXPENSIVE it was.

*This* cost this much and I usually only use stuff that costs *this* much and also I'm annoying.

Here's the thing. A lot of times, cost doesn't mean a dang thing. I hate the idea of women thinking that if they don't have a massive clothing budget, they can't look good. That's why I like to mix and match different price points in my outfit. Sure, I like a designer watch, but I also love my Target socks, my Walmart reversible belt and my Forever21 blazer. If it looks good, I don't care what it costs or what brand it is.

I'm very open minded that way. It was my liberal Canadian upbringing. So I start to get a major case of the stabbies when someone wants to keep reminding me how much money she spends on stuff because I don't think it's worth a lick.

Not to mention, there's a lot of people who spent kajillions on their clothes and still look crappy. So I decided to dig up some designer finds on FF today. I've done it before and it's freakishly easy.

Tin man couture is always hot, especially at the cool price of $1,210.
My favorite part is how it triangulizes the boob area.

I've renamed this $1,045 sweater "The Expediting of Old-Lady Turkey Arms." Go ahead, try waving!

"Uh... the collection is due and this $1,000 mesh dress thingy isn't finished!"
"DO we have any construction paper left?"
"Yes!"
"Just cut out some circles and group them so they look like flies! Masterpiece!"

"What about this $9,600 jacket."
"Dollar-store pompom balls! GO!"

I know this is a $4,700 Marchesa dress but it just smacks of early 90s prom. And if you're wondering, that's not a good thing. The early 90s was a bleak, bleak time for fashion.

I call this $1,600 sweater dress "The Smuggler." As in, you want to fly but can't be separated from your rare Himalayan rabbits so you jam them into the pockets of your ugly sweater so as not to arouse suspicion. Also... this was SOLD OUT.

Seriously, if you're going to charge me $3,700 for a jacket, would you mind giving me the whole thing? (This is proof I'm getting old. I also complain about buying ripped jeans.)

This $11,220 fur diaper is also sold out, so looks like some freaks are going to have a very unhappy Christmas indeed.

When I haven't gotten the slightest clue where my head goes in a $2,400 dress, I feel like it's a bad sign.

So seriously, don't feel bad if you don't spend major coin on furry diapers and whatnot. I'll still love you shopping at the mall or T.J. Maxx and if you play your cards right, you'll look better than those who pay for labels.

Alright, so I confessed my pet peeve with cost-droppers.... anyone else want to join the fray and vent it out? It's Friday! Let's get our stabbies out so we can have an awesome weekend!

Reader Question: Brown and Black

2011-11-30T09:58:00.001-08:00

We haven't done a reader question in a few months, and I got a great one from Ashley that I felt needed some serious attention because it's something I've struggled with too. Here's her question!

"I don't know if you have every done a post on wearing black and brown together. It has always been something that I am afraid of doing (don't know why). I tend to wear more black than brown but I have a really really cute pair of brown booties that I wish I could wear more."

Ah, Ashley, I feel your pain. I too have purchased things that I wish I could wear more so I'm always struggling to Tim Gunn that bad boy and make it work. In general, it's pretty rare that I pair brown with black but mostly because I'm a color girl, not because of any lingering fashion rules or anything like that. And like most color combos, it's totally fair game when doing it right.

The problem with wearing brown and black together is that it's usually done sloppily and without any direction. As long as you put a little thought into it and don't dress like you're shopping at Walmart at 3 a.m., you can totally pull of a brown and black combo. It's totally sophisticated and is awesome for the winter, when colors tend to be darker and richer anyway.

Can I make you a believer? Here's some ways to make black and brown look on purpose.

Try a Pattern

Vero Moda leopard print top, £22
H M slit skirt, £25
Platform pumps, $33
Clutch bag, $28
Monsoon yellow gold earrings, £7

One of the easiest ways to wear brown and black together is to find a pattern that already has the two colors. It makes the combo a no-brainer since you can wear brown or black and the pattern acts as the unifier for the entire outfit. Leopard is a perfect example... just not a leopard bustier, people. This loose top is perfect because it isn't so va-va-voomy. This skirt is also amazing. I tried it on when I was H&M on Saturday and am kind of kicking myself because I didn't end up buying it. WHY!? Anyway, this top would look just as cute with a brown skirt and the shoes tie in both colors without being too matchy. WIN.

Go Casual

H m cardigan, £15
Hollister Co. faded jeans, $40
Gabriella Rocha buckle boots, $89
Ziba gold earrings, £20
Zara leather belt, $36
Genuine leather belt, £32
Carly Hobo Black - HOLD EVERYTHING - Purses, $44

Another way to try brown and black together is to wear more casual versions of the color. Instead of a chocolate brown, a cognac or tan pairs better with black. Then, look for textures that are casual so that the contrast between the two colors isn't so stark. A knee high slouchy boot with a warm cardigan? Love! Also, you'll notice that the tank underneath has both tones to tie everything together. I have a black tank with brown bows on it and I love how versatile it is... it literally matches everything.

Choose Color

Dorothy Perkins belted dress, £30
Kate Spade fishnet hosiery, $28
H M leather ballerina flat, £13
Dorothy Perkins gray handbag, £20
Pieces chain jewelry, $11
Wet Seal tahitian pearl jewelry, $9.50
Codello vintage shawl, £4

When wearing black and brown together, they don't have to be the main event. By pairing a bright dress (jewel tones look awesome with brown AND black) you can then pull both colors into the accessories, so the look is WAY less obvious. I love the idea of doing a scarf and flats to tone down a serious dress. When wearing brown and black together, keep your accessories in the gold family.

So is this something you would try? Or are you a strict one-neutral-per-outfit girl? Or guy? I don't discriminate!

What I Wore: Casual Red + Black Friday

2011-11-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

When I thought up this outfit I wanted some way to wear my red skinnies that wasn't so "Zzzzzomg LOOK AT ME I HAVE RED PANTS!" Pairing them with a button down and sheer sweater made them traditional enough that I wore them to my daughter's kindergarten Thanksgiving feast.

Button up (or down? I never know): Bitten
Sweater: Local boutique
Skinnies: Local boutique
Shoes: Qupid
Watch and bracelet: Gucci and Charlotte Russe
Earrings: Nordstrom

Now that Thanksgiving is over and we're on full steam ahead for Christmas, I've turned my house upside down to basically look like Santa's workshop. So if it feels like it's a bit stingy on pictures today, it's because I spent all weekend shopping and decorating.

I did a lot of this (GLITTERRRRRR)

And some of this (Christmas definitely barfed on my house)

A little of this.

And a lot of this. The kids were interested for exactly 4.5 seconds.

Oh well! Now I'm onto festivities. I know I already asked on my Facebook page, but I want to know if you braved the crowds for Black Friday. I went out around 5am Friday but didn't want to do the whole "Open at Midnight" business. Also, I did mall shopping on Saturday and *might* have grabbed a few things for myself. I'm excited to show you guys! I also convinced my sister in law to both try on and BUY skinny jeans, so it was kind of a productive weekend.

Now onto a productive week before I head up to Canada for a little while. Today's task: Get my six inch roots taken care of. WIN!

Awesome Nail Tutorials and Ideas

2011-11-23T06:56:00.000-08:00

So I'm basically the worst nail biter in the history of nail biters. It's completely stress-related and I usually don't care because my nails are just not a priority for me. Plus I have obscenely childlike hands. When we were getting married our photographer wanted to take a ring picture and my husband and I were both like "NO!" because he has giant basketball hands and mine stopped growing at age eight.

But a couple weeks ago I was more stressed than usual and I was taking it out of my nails like usual when I was like "OMG Jae you are being gross." So I decided to stop chewing my nails to give them a break for a week. Now, when I'm not biting my nails, the only thing that's stops me is prettiness. Because I am so vain that I won't bite if it ruins my nail polish. Enter my obsession with cool nail design on Pinterest. Have you seen some of the stuff people do? It is mind blowing!! I've been testing out a few designs and I'll share my faves with you. If there's an available tutorial, you can click the picture... otherwise I'll give you a quick how-to rundown? Then you'll have the awesomest nails when you head out to Thanksgiving tomorrow. Good? Great.

(Tutorial)

Marble Nails:

This is what I have on my nails. Me and my cute daughter spent an afternoon playing with colors and swirly patterns and I loved it. I did a navy blue with an iridescent pink and it came out looking like awesome acid wash. The nail polish creates this flexible film on top of the water that is picked up my your nails when you dip. Cool, right? Just have lots of nail polish remover on hand to get at the messy bits.

(Tutorial)

How freakin' pretty would this be for holiday parties? It's just a glitter polish layered over a regular one in monochromatic colors. You could also do this with loose glitter, but I'm way too spastic for something like that.

I love this idea! Graphic nails are pretty but can be a leetle overwhelming. By mixing two patterns, it calms down the graphic prints and would look crazy adorable for a garden party or bridal shower.

(Tutorial)

These are SO brilliant and an excellent way to use up all of those expensive scrapbooking papers that are currently sitting in a forgotten tupperware in your basement... not that I have any experience with that whatsoever. But seriously. Scrapbook paper teamed up with rubbing alcohol transfers awesome patterns to your nails. Who knew?

This is going to be my next style I try. My bathrooms are painted like this -- the same color, just shiny over matte. Something like this is high style while still being subtle and I LOVE dark nail polish. These tips make the look less Queen of Darkness too. Also, did you know that if you stretch an elastic band over your nail, you can paint over it to create a perfect French tip? The things you learn on Pinterest!! (We're friends, right?)

(Source)

I love the idea of doing eahc nail a different color or design, but it's going to look juvenile unless you stick within the same color family. These peach tones with a bit of sparkle? Adorable and still adult while being super fun.

(Tutorial)

If you're a massive word nerd like me, these newspaper nails probably make you inexplicably happy. And they're super easy to create with newspaper and rubbing (or real) alcohol. I want to try this desperately on my toes but we don't ever buy the paper unless it's Thanksgiving, so I'm gearing up to try it tomorrow with my Black Friday paper! WOO!

How awesome is this modified French tip? It's created by using a sponge eyeshadow applicator of all things. Just dip the tip into a nail polish color and start dabbing on your tips, lightening your hand as you move down the nail. These are super pretty and professional without being too stuffy.

Alright, so are you going to try any of these? Once I get over the awesomeness of my acid wash swirly nails, I definitely want to go with the matte/shiny French tip. What's your fave?

Just as long as it's not these....

What I Wore: Breaking Dawn

2011-11-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

I went to see Breaking Dawn on Saturday night (sans husband, because I'm nice like that.) I have this love/hate relationship with the Twilight movies. I generally think it's a terribly written series and the movies are pure cheese, but I was really into them at the beginning and now I feel obligated to take part.

Now don't worry, I'm not one of those hardcore desperate housewives types that like, goes at midnight wearing fangs and a Team Whatever shirt. I waited a whole day to even make plans with my sisters-in-law to buck up and go.

I am SO GLAD I did. Don't get me wrong. I definitely thought it was a terrible movie. But it was the funnest terrible movie I've ever seen. Not like You Don't Mess With the Zohan. That was terrible and not fun.

I knew it would be a good night when the opening credits said BREAKING DAWN: PART ONE and the guy sitting next to us whispered loudly, "There's a Part Two!?" I lost it completely and spent the next two hours holding in my giggles. Hey, I did my best. The wedding was fun and I was totally on board until the wolves started talking.

THE WOLVES STARTED TALKING.

As a general rule, any time I see I movie, I'm totally on board until the animals start up. I loved Rise of the Planet of the Apes until the last 40 seconds when Cesar started talking and I couldn't take it seriously any more. I mean really. Animal voices always sound so cheesy. When the Jacob wolf started talking about his wolf lineage I laughed so hard that I seriously regretted the large Diet Dr. Pepper I had with my popcorn.

Anyway, we were sitting in front of a group of girls and one had never read the Twilight books before. The whole movie, I could hear her friend explaining things to her. When Jacob imprints on Renesmee (ew) she yelled out, "Wait, WHAT!? On the BABY??" and I could not stop laughing. I'm sure the tweens and the desperate housewives were so over me by the time the movie was over. Luckily I had my friends, the incredulous husband and the newbie to roll my eyes with. Both of my sisters-in-law thought it was pretty ridiculous too -- at least, that's what I gathered from the smothered giggles and one loud snort from me.

So, my overall review? It was a great movie. For best results, go drunk.

Here's what I originally planned to wear to the movie:

See? I told you I didn't dress up.
Tank: ModBod
Tunic: Love on a Hanger @ Nordstrom
Jacket: Charlotte Russe
Jeans: Abercrombie
Boots: Fryeeeeeees

I said "planned to" because five minutes after this picture was taken I managed to drop salsa down my shirt and had to change. But it was the thought that counted. I'm just being honest.

OMG Jae enough with the peacock WELL I LIKE IT OK!?

Please tell me: did anyone else see the movie? Am I just an insensitive jerk or was it like, the fastest route the cheeseville? Give it to me straight!

Freaky Friday: Etsy Fails

2011-11-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, Etsy... you fill me with such concurrent joy and shame. Peacock feather anything? Hooray! Sad cheetah shorts? Boo.

YAY I have been looking everywhere for an ill-fitting dress made out of poorly dyed doilies. The best part is that it in no way functions as a garment, so you still need to wear a complete outfit underneath. So HANDY.

This is the "hungry cheetah" skirt. Honestly, they look more dejected and gassy than hungry.

I love how this dress is titled as being "Oscar" worthy. I'm sorry, do you mean the porn Oscars? This wins for Most Artful Use of Tin Foil to Cover Your Naughty Bits.

Am I the only one who feels hungry for bacon?

Oh, I love this layering "Vest" otherwise known as a piece of discarded fabric. The second best part? Homegirl here looks like she's been living in the woods for quite some time now.

Upcycled denim shorts? YES PLEASE. I've been looking for a way to make myself look like a cracked out disco queen.

Or we could just go with these pants. They just scream "I'm unemployed!" You can wipe that sassafras look off your face, miss thang.

Jellyfish tentacle leggings, anyone?

No?

Ok... me neither. We can stay friends.

Oh good, another jacket from the "Your Kindergarten Teacher in 1991" collection!

I never thought I'd ever have to say this on my blog.... but does this look a little too "Robin Hood" to you?

Of course, I also saw a shirt on Etsy that I reeeeeeeeeeeeally want. So I'm gonna go ahead and call it a wash this week. Happy Friday, guys!

Cleaning Out My Closet

2011-11-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

Probably one of the funnest facts about me is that I love rap music. Like, really Jae? I want you to imagine me now, driving back from dropping off carpool in my large SUV in my sleepy 2,000 person town. Now imagine I’m blasting Eminem from the stereo and bobbing my head like I’m in a hip hop video. I might throw up a gang sign or two. Yeah, I would say I’m pretty much the most intimidating 5’4” suburban mom EVER. Why am I even telling you this? Because this post is clearly devoted to cleaning out your closet a la Eminem, to the tune of writing a violent rap song in which you pretend like you’re going to kill your mother.

I’m totally kidding. Not only is that silly, but it has nothing to do with fashion. If you want to kill your mother with a shovel you can do it on your own time, thanks.

While Eminem did write “Cleanin’ Out My Closet,” he probably didn’t mean getting rid of ugly clothes. At least I think he didn’t. I only took one class in song interpretation so I could be wrong.

One of the biggest challenges with trying to dress well with kids is that sometimes, you just don't feel like you have the time to put yourself together and get out the door. You're running off to carpool while listening to gangsta rap, hurrying out to work or trying to squeeze in a trip to the gym and the way you look just happens to take a backseat for the day. So you end up heading out in your trusty tee and jeans combo, with barely enough time to slip on your flip flops as you run out to the car.

Well, at least half of the problem is probably found deep within your closet. We all have the exact same issues, no matter how our closets are organized: the clothes you wear all the time are easy to find near the middle, the clothes that don't fit yet you hang onto like a crazy person are stuffed in the back and there's probably a few pieces that you forgot about too. Like me and my red skirt. Because of this, you probably grab whatever you see first to get dressed in a hurry. Which may or may not be frumpy and disappointing.

Can I let you in on a mind-blowing fashion secret?

If you don't have crappy clothes in your closet.... (wait for it) ..... you don't wear crappy clothes.

I KNOW, RIGHT!?

That's why I urge everyone to clean out their closets at least twice a year. I tend to do a big cleaning in both fall and spring. It's when I assess the season's clothes with the upcoming weather change and decide whether or not I want to hold onto them for another year. Seeing as I just got rid of a massive bag of clothes, plenty of stuff didn't make the cut. That sweater with the hole in the armpit? That jacket that didn't button? The hat that was a really bad idea? All gone. Because I got rid of so much stuff, I was able to rescue some lesser-worn pieces from the back of my closet to put them back into rotation again. Hello, friends! I'm sorry I have forsaken you.

Don't know where to start? Here's some tips! Hows about you get rid of/donate/trash/give to a cross-dresser:

-Anything that doesn't fit. Um, yeah. Doi. Yes, I know you want to lose ten pounds, but that doesn't mean the jeans you wore in high school are in style. Let it go.

-Anything that you don't feel confident or attractive in. Don't know if you like it? Put it on and snap a digiphoto. You'll find out real fast which clothes are keepers and which are kickers. Ask your husband too. You'll be surprised at how vocal he is about your favorite sweater. Every so often my husband dispenses helpful fashion advice, like "You should wear more pink." I own exactly one pink shirt. Time to go shopping.

-Any comfort items that you're keeping just because they're easy to throw on or it looked good once upon a time/10 lbs ago/when you were in 8th grade. Seriously, if the only reason you own a piece of clothing is “because it’s comfortable,” toss it. Comfort isn’t the only reason to get dressed in the morning, people. Get rid of your 9am safety net and MAKE yourself try something new.

-Anything barfed on, peed on, pooped on, stained with food or otherwise destroyed. It's gross. Only a true mother would understand why this is a common issue.

"But Jae!" you say. "If I tossed a bunch of my clothes I wouldn't have anything to wear." Correction: You won't have anything crappy, misshapen, stained or sloppy to wear. When you pare down your closet to well-fitting, well-made basics, you'll actually have more to work with. You'll be able to clearly see what you have and how it works with other pieces, instead of just blindly reaching into your closet every morning.

Here was my weekend's work:

Shoes are organized by color and texture, with both the front and the back showing so I can choose them according to the way they look AND heel height. Plus it just makes me happy to have prettiness in my closet.

Tops are arranged by sleeve length, then dresses, pants and jackets. Makes it super easy to find what I'm looking for and it only takes a few minutes extra when folding clothes to divide them up properly.

Also, the top of my closet is for workout clothes and the Nerf gun I confiscated from my son. WHO buys a two-year-old a Nerf gun? My husband, that's who.

Anyway, with an organized closet it probably takes me LESS time to grab something that looks put-together than it would for me to dig out some yoga pants and an oversized tee, so it pretty much forces me into looking like a normal human being. Drat.

Although I am looking for ideas for hanging handbags and scarves, if you have any... right now they're stored in a laundry room cupboard and fall on my head when I try to get at them.

Seriously though. Two hours on a Saturday. That's all it takes to separate the wheat from the chaff and start dressing just a little bit better. Plus you get to have that Sex in the City moment every time you open up a clean, organized closet. Half of the time I expect birds to fly out and soft music to start playing when I try to pick out some shoes. It's THAT satisfying.

And just so you know, I did NOT give away these shoes. They've become my closet mascot. One day, when Minnie Mouse clodhoppers come back in style I WILL BE READY.

What I Wore: What Happens When I Clean

2011-11-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

I bought this red skirt with plans to wear it all autumn long, then I promptly stuffed it in the back of my closet and forgot it existed for like, two months. Isn't that the way? Anyway, I did my big pre-holdiay-closet-cleanout over the weekend and trashed, gave away and otherwise got rid of stuff, AND I found this skirt again. Happy day! If that isn't a testament to cleaning out your closet, I don't know what is. Also, on Wednesday we're going to go over closet organization and how to part with that shirt that doesn't fit but you keep it anyway in case you drop 100 pounds and want to dress like you're in high school. It'll be FUN.

Top: Charlotte Russe
Cardigan: BP @ Nordstrom
Skirt: F21
Belt: Walmart
Boots: BP @ Nordstrom (Something else I forgot I owned until I cleaned my closet - double win!)
Bracelet/Watch: Inspired Silver
Earrings: F21

Who says short people can't wear long stuff? I say pish posh on that. I love a long, floaty skirt . It makes me feel like I'm in an old timey Western EVERY TIME. Also, I've been watching "The Quick and the Dead" a lot recently, so it's fitting. Is that weird? It comes on TV and I can't not watch it.

Peacock earrings basically match everything and the lace on the collar of this shirt is my fave. Also, this just in: I need to have my hair done. I'm seeing how close to Christmas I can push it because that's how I roll.

Well, I'd post more but my son has been in stage five tantrum mode since I got home from the gym. Luckily that was only AN HOUR AGO but no biggie. Anyone want a potty-training two year old?

Hahahaha but seriously.

Freaky Friday: Weird Fashion Inventions 2.0

2011-11-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Just so you know I just spent the morning cleaning out the Freaky Friday folder on my computer and it turned into a nostalgic yearbook moment. "Aww, remember that awful dress? Those shoes WERE hideous." Something like 200 pictures later and I decided it was time to do another weird fashion invention post. Because nothing says "the end of the year" like gathering up all the crap stuff that's sold via infomercials in one place.

You know I couldn't have this list without the Forever Lazy! Not only is it a glorified sleeper, but it has a butt hatch for using the bathroom AND a cool black guy wears it in the commercial. It's basically a must-have at this point. Please, feel free to wear it to Walmart without even a hint of irony.

Yessss fishnet tights attached to a shirt. Because putting on tights isn't hard enough as it is. It takes me roughly 30 minutes to maneuver myself into a pair after a shower, but yeah I definitely want to wrestle them over my arms too.

I swear, even a size 2 feels fat when trying to get into tights.

The Gizmo skirt!! Word on the street is that Lady Gaga bought one of these. I will forever associate her ladyparts with Gremlins. I mean, I think I might have already subconciously associated her ladyparts with Gremlins, but now it's for real.

Non-washable underwear. It's yellow in the front and brown in the back. I will point out that while it might not SHOW, it definitely will SMELL.

Might I introduce the Comfort Wand instead? It attaches to toilet paper to give you an additional 18 inch reach AND you can keep it in your purse. Please please please, at the very least.... use a Ziploc?

If UGGS and Crocs had a love child, this shoe would be born. And I would not come to its baby shower.

Necklace clasps are SO FRUSTRATING. It's like, just stay in the back eager beaver! Never fear, because now you can spend $15 to TAPE YOUR NECKLACE TO YOUR NECK I HAVE LOST ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY.

LED Bra! I can see it now... "You are getting sleeeeeepy. So sleeeeeeepy. You kiiiiiind of have a headaaaaaache and don't reallllllly want to dooooooooo it. You waaaaant meeeeee to reeeeeead my new boook in the bathtub insteaaaaaaaad."

K, really tooth jewelry? Is it me or do all old teeth smell like DEATH? Like, here! Have you seen my stinky molar jewelry?

The noodle eater hair cover! Why didn't I think of that? Ohhh yeah.... I don't eat my soup with my face hovered over my bowl, that's why. Also.... no one thought of a ponytail here? Really?

YAY! We're just sorority sisters, you know, hanging out in our towels. Oops! They fell open! Oh no! Better get a glorified scrunchie to hold the top inch closed! Because heaven forbid we should actually wear pants when we hang out!

I blame Aguilera.

Yeah, you do your walk of shame, pantsless wonder.

Layering 101

2011-11-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hahaha I accidentally typed in the title of this post as "Laying 101." Ummm that's for another website. Sorry creeps.

Ugh, sorry about the lack of posting yesterday, amigos. It was just one of those days when it straight up wasn't gonna happen. Oh, the joys of running a blog.

Anyway, I did get some great inspiration for my post when I woke up on Saturday morning. This is what I woke up to:

Yeah, that would be a massive amount of snow in the frozen tundra where I live. Also, my mittens.

Guys, I'm not prepared for full-on winter yet. Not to mention that where I live missed the memo on SEASONS. I went from running my air conditioner full blast to running the heater full bast and right now I'm writing this with a cat blanket on my lap. Not a blanket made from cats, just a blanket decorated with cats. My mom got it for me. I don't even know.

Anyway, thanks to the sudden arrival of winter, I had all of my summer and fall clothes out and in full rotation when it hit. And I don't feel like putting them away just yet, so it's pretty much the perfect time for layering.

One of the big secrets of looking put together is dimension. See, a t-shirt and sweats can only get you so far. When you start adding pieces together, that's when you actually find your style. So instead of throwing my cute summer dress to the back of the closet, I did this:

Yes, I know these are crappy cell phone pictures. Just go with it.
I threw my summery white dress over plain tights, cable knit socks (from my Halloween costume, natch) and added a blazer and a scarf. Totally fallish and warm, and I didn't have to reorganize my closet. WIN.

I know that serious layering can be confusing. It's hard to know what goes with what and all that business. The good news is that it's pretty easy and as long as you don't go overboard, you won't look like a bag lady. Unless you want to.

Observe!

Old navy cardigan, $25
Skinny jeans, $30
Oasis, $9
De Blossom boots, $45
Bracelet, $20
Free People long necklace, $38
Zara braided belt, $15

When layering with a cute cardigan like this one, a few things give the outfot more dimension. The first is allowing your clothes to have different lengths and levels. If the cami and the sweater were the same length, you'd lose some of the awesome interest here. Another fun thing to try is a belt over the sweater. It adds another layer of style and gives your waist more shape, especially when you're wearing bulkier layers like wool, etc. Finishing it with a tall riding boot makes the look warm without looking heavy. I would love this for shopping... but not Christmas shopping because it's only Nov. 10th, but thanks anyway Toys R Us.

Striped skirt, $16
We Love Colors red hosiery, $15
Allover Lace Tube Top-TUBES-Styles for Less Clothes Womens & Juniors..., $15
Stripe socks, $9.99
Camel shoes, $50
BCBGeneration metallic handbag, $50
Wet Seal feather jewelry, $13
Target:Xhilaration® Bomber Jacket - Assorted Colors, $40

Okay, I might have a serious crush on this outfit. Tights are back in this winter, which makes me so happy because I enjoy them quite a bit. They're just super versatile and can make a piece look totally different. Take this body-con striped skirt. It looks pretty vampy on it's own, but pair it with a casual bomber and some tights and it's totally everyday material. Also, knee socks over tights make me feel warm inside. It just adds another layer of dimension and adds length to your boots so your legs look super long and you look like you know what you're doing fashion-wise. 10 points if you also used your socks to dress up as the Sun Drop girl.

Miss Selfridge cotton jacket, £30
YMI faded jeans, $30
Fergie ballerina shoes, $40
Hobo tote bag, $26
Antique silver ring, $18
Mimco bow stud earrings, £30
Polka dot scarve, $28
Belt, $28

K, you don't have to wear boots all winter. That's just me because I live on a real-life mountainside. Seriously. A deer jumped into my car while I was driving home the other night and went in the house and chewed out my husband for making us live somewhere where deer run at cars. You know where I never hit a deer? Toronto.

Anyway, I digress. Flats are fine in the winter as long as you're not traipsing through the snow. I've done it and it's not pleasant. One of the easiest ways to look layered up is with a scarf. How crazypants adorable is this? I love that it's tied with a fluffy bow. Add a blazer as another layer and you're pretty much done. Alone, these pieces are fine. You could wear them and still look put together. But when worn together you've got way more dimension and interest, which should be the whole point of layering up your clothes.

Layering helps you extend your wardrobe. All of a sudden stuff looks new when worn in different ways. I usually wear my summer dress alone with my Fryes and maybe a cardigan. Adding tights, riding boots and a blazer and it's like "OMG I hate that Jae she buys new clothes all the time." And while I DO buy new clothes all the time, that dress isn't new.

So slap on some knee socks, grab a scarf and belt your cardigan and we can be friends.

What I Wore: Pretty Sweet

2011-11-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like I could totally host a Stepford Wives dinner party in this outfit. I mean really? Lace, pearls AND a flower? It doesn't get any more deliciously feminine than that. It was so girly that I had to drag out some serious five-inch platforms so I could make sure people knew that while I dress girly sometimes, I could still put your eye out with my shoe. And really, what more could you ask from an outfit?

Lace shell and undershirt: Local boutique
Belt and skirt: White House Black Market (LOVE!)
Shoes: Qupid
Pearls: Nordstrom
Flower: Local

Well, hello! Would you like me to bake you an apple pie? Here, I'll bring you your slippers.

Accessory closeups! I just pinned this flower right on the strand of pearls. Easy peasy. These shoes are also awesome and have a little peekaboo over the toe that makes them feel naughty. Unfortunately I wore them outside and sunk three feet into the grass. Stilettos forever!!

I don't usually dress this girly, but it was fun to play dress-up and I highly recommend it. Just don't get mad when your husband expects dinner when he comes home from work. Mine does and he's highly disappointed EVERY DAY.

Freaky Friday

2011-11-04T08:03:00.001-07:00

Hey friends! Time to get back to usual Freaky Friday without all of the boob and thigh of last week. I know, I'm sad too.

Fun story of the day! So, when I dressed up in my Halloween costume on Monday, I decided to wear it while trick or treating on Main Street a few towns over. I figured a) no one would know me there and b) it was Halloween and I'm psychotic. Anyway, my GIANT two year old decided that his legs no longer worked after less than half of the event, so I was slogging along with my awesome friend Ashleigh and our collective kiddos when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Um, are you from nomoremomjeans.com?"

OMG KILL ME. Literally any time I've met a reader in public I can almost guarantee I'm wearing like, a trucker hat and camo pants, but this time I was dressed in like a complete mental patient.

It turns out it was Janelle, of the sexy house costume! I was so excited to meet her IRL because she actually won the costume and I got to tell her in person. She told me she wasn't sure that was something to be proud of because let's be honest, that costume was filthy. Anyway, she said she was sure it was me because there is no way anyone else would leave the house dressed as the Sun Drop girl. It was awesome.

So hi Janelle! Gift card is on it's way and I promise next time you see me I won't be wearing *that* much Spandex.

Maybe these instead? I feel like if you wore these pants, you'd have to have jazz hands everywhere you went.
"Hey, can I get a cherry Coke with extra ice?" *JAZZ HANDS!*
"Yes, I've noticed that Susie struggles with her reading." *JAZZ HANDS!*
"No, I don't want to try a free sample." *JAZZ HANDS*

Found by Julia on Pinterest, I call this "Ugly Sweater Refashion Fail." While I can certainly appreciate pom poms on any piece of clothing, this still leaves you with two moose on your buttcheeks and I am not OK with that.

This jacket is meant to have a shirttail detail that hangs out at the back. I don't care what anyone says, that extra fabric looks like a diaper. But you can still totally buy it for $10,000. Cloth diapers are much cheaper.

Alyssa sent me these sequin UGGS that were suggested to her by her account on ShoeDazzle.com. She also noted that the stylist tip said to wear them with a sequined beret for "the right amount of sparkle."
Dear ShoeDazzle.com Stylist:
I don't care what anyone says. These are robot boots. I've never seen a robot wear a beret, much less a sequined one. French robot? Now I'm confused.
Love, Jae

Yes, you are seeing the world's longest torso. I'm pretty sure this woman doesn't even have a pelvis. It goes straight from abs to kneecaps.

This basically looks like you skinned a unicorn. Not a sexy unicorn, just a garden variety-type.

YAY! Finally something to wear to Dracula's pool party. I can breathe. (Thanks Michelle!)

Sheriece sent these over. I was totally on board until I saw CAT FACE in the product title. Like, I mourn the loss of these shoes. A velvet red wedge with ankle strap? I die. Cat face on the shoes? I kill someone else.

I feel like running a marathon.

Well, I've gotta get my work done. There *might* be a half-yearly sale that I *might* need to check out. I want to try on this dress. I hate the way it's belted in the picture, but I'm thinking it could work with a thick brown belt a bit higher, worn with brown boots for fall. What do you think? Also, I'm looking for jeans and a couple casual dresses and skirts to wear with thick tights for winter. K, I just want an excuse to shop SO SUE ME.

De-scare-ifying Red Lipstick

2011-11-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, I totally know why red lipstick gets a bad rap. It's because when ANYONE thinks about red lips EVER, it's in a Christina Aguilera way.

Sweet mother of mercy, homegirl loves red lipstick like I love an anniversary sale. And is it me, or does she kind of look like Snooki here?

Hey, I love rocking out to "Fighter" in my car as much as the next person, but Christina (because I refuse to call her X-tina) does the red lip wrong time and time again. Baby, fire your stylist ASAP. Christina's red lip is wrong for a myriad of reasons, the most obvious being it's not the right color and she's done it with bighairbiglipsbigeyesandbigboobs which is what makes the red lip veer into trannytown. And trannytown is only fun when you're up late at night and Rock Horror Picture Show is on TV.

So I get that most people have a little trepidation with wearing a red lip. I do. But I think it's a trick that all women should have in their makeup bag, so we're going to take some time to demystify and descarify the red lip.

First, color. The color red you choose is EVERYTHING. Take me, for instance. I am very fair-skinned. Because of this, a true red lip makes me look like all of the vampires in the first Twilight movie. Comically undead. So when I'm choosing a red lipstick, I know it has to have pink undertones for me not to look crazy.

You know those makeup counters you hurry past each time you run through a department store? Stop. Tell the nice makeup lady that you're looking for a red lipstick and she'll be overjoyed to help you find one. I like Sephora and the Christian Dior counters the best. You simply cannot buy something as bold as red lipstick without trying a few first. Here's some guidelines for skin tones that should help you on your quest.

If you have fair skin with pink undertones (like moi): Look for lighter reds with pink or coral undertones. You don't need to get all Aguilera-like.

If you have medium skin with golden undertones: look for truer reds with bluish undertones. They'll make your teeth look whiter and look best with more tanned, golden skin.

If you have dark skin: Look for reds with burgundy and brick-colored undertones because you can pull it off and I'm jealous.

Once you know what type of red looks best on your skin tone, you can narrow down your search to a few different shades so you don't need to try a bajillion shades.

When applying red lips, you need to be careful. If you don't apply it right, the middle part could wear away, leaving your a dark ring around your lips. I'm not a lipliner girl, but if you are, line and then fill your lips completely to give the lipstick something to stick to. I prefer a lip primer, so I slick on some of that, then add my red lip. I then blot and reapply. Finally, I add a little shine with a clear or coral lip gloss on top. The coral helps tone down the red when I want it to look less "TA-DA!"-ish. Yes, that's totally a real phrase.

I prefer a red lip with more toned down clothes and makeup. The lips are enough. Don't go all crazy and do a smoky eye and wear a bustier and no pants like SOME people I know. Seriously, I love a more casual look and light eye with red lips, because they are seriously enough on your own. Pile on the makeup and it'll look like you got into mommy's makeup bag for the first time.

AB
Exhibit A) Too much of a good thing, Queen of the Undead.
Exhibit B) Lovely and natural.

A red lip is a super glam way to change things up, so I seriously think you should give it a try. If you're still unsure, consider heading to the drug store or Wally World and picking up a few super cheap shades from whatever dollar brand makeup line you can find. They won't wear particularly well, but you'll have the chance to test drive the red before you spend a little more coin on a longer-lasting brand.

Can we all make a pact to give it a try? Let's do! Plus, when you have red lips you get to leave all sorts of cute smacky prints all over your husband's face like you're in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

Mwah!

Kisses,
Jae

What I Wore: Happy Halloween! I am so embarrassing.

2011-10-31T11:28:00.001-07:00

Ready to see me make a huge fool of myself!?

Happy Halloween my awesome friends!!

If you have no idea what I'm supposed to be, click here to watch what might be the most epic commercial of ALL TIME.

I watched it like five times this morning to make sure I had it right. My two year old walked into the room while it was on and said "Mom! It wooks just wike you!" And then wanted to watch it endlessly, convinced that I was on the computer.

And while the real Sun Drop girl CLEARLY STOLE MY MOVES, I am said to report I'm not actually in the commercial. I LOLed hard when going through these pictures. I am a joke.

See... you don't have to dress like a sexy desk or whatever it is to be super awesome on Halloween. Can't wait to rock this for Trick or Treating... although I might need to keep the commercial loaded on my iPhone at all times in case it's too obscure.

If you're still looking for a costume idea, might I suggest this? Seriously, I bow down.

Alright, fess up. Are you dressing up and what are you going to be?

Freaky Friday: Halloween Edition - CONTEST!

2011-10-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

It's that time again! I know you've been waiting for it! Time to scour the Web to find the sketchiest sexy costumes EVER. This is probably my favorite HNTDLAM feature. Because nothing says "I have low self esteem" like fishnets on Halloween.

Alright, since I said this would be a contest and I received plenty of submissions, here's how it's going to work. Check out the worst of the worst, and then leave your vote for the most offensively sexy costume in the comments section (if you don't how to leave a comment 1) for shame! and 2) click the number to the left side of the post title!) Use the bolded name or the costume title for your vote. I'll sent whoever gets the most votes a Target gift card for $25, but if the winner spends it on sexy costumes, I'll punch her right in the ovaries. Good? Yes? Let's do the damage!

**Voting ends 9 a.m. MST on October 31st**

"Sexy Anorexia": Maggie

We should probably just start with a bang and do the most offensive first. This is "Sexy Anorexia." She likes long walks on the beach, obsessively counting calories and apparently, measuring her waist.

Like... really? I don't believe in the human race anymore.

"Sexy Hotdog": Rachelle
My sister-in-law texted my about this late last night, so I'm giving her credit as a last minute submission. Because I could not pass up the opportunity to post a sexy hotdog.
"Amber D'Alessio made out with a hot dog? OMG THAT WAS ONE TIME!"
Name that movie!!
But seriously. This gives the term "street meat" new meaning, amiright?

"Sexy Sea Turtle": Lindsay
This has got to be one of my favorite in the "make cute animals pornographic" category. I would actually like to know how this is a turtle in any way. They have flippers, not Madonna Half Gloves.

"Sexy Shark" - Angela
On the Yandy website they called this a "Man Eater" HAHAHAHA kill me. I really love how the bottom of the skirt is all jagged and ripped... because.... the shark was eating herself?

"Sexy Unicorn": Lindsay

Lindsay also sent over this total stretch of a costume, the sexy unicorn. Most of the costumes at that site are lingerie or tiny dresses with huge boots. Can we just do that instead?
"What are you going to be for Halloween?"
"Oh, a dirty whore with fuzzy boots."

"Sexy Lloyd and Harry" - Nicole

Yeah, you read this right. These girls managed to defile all that is holy in the world and make "Dumb and Dumber" into sexy Halloween costumes. See, you know they're sexy because they're the loosest interpretation ever paired with tights and underpants. STOP IT. Don't you ruin Lloyd Christmas for me!

"Sexy Hamster": Valeria
Rodents. So hot right now. Also, please note this is the rodent from the Kia commercial, like that makes dressing like what is essentially a sexy rat any better.

Again with the furry boots!

"Sexy House": Janelle

Janelle sent me a whole collection of bad costumes, but this was my favorite BY FAR. Let's guess what pickup lines this girl will get when she goes to her trashtastic Halloween party.
-Can I peek through your windows?
-Nice cat (prepubescent man giggles ensue)
-How much to rent?

"Sexy Hulk Hogan.... or Ronald McDonald, I can't decide.": Carrie
What says sexy more than a mustachioed lady in latex? I dare you to come up with something sexier.

"Sexy Pikachus" 1: Ashley 2: Megan
It's clash of the low self esteem teens! When I first conjured this contest, I jokingly asked all of you to go find a sexy Pikachu costume, because at the time, it was the most ridiculous costume i could think of. Then two readers sent me some and I stood corrected. The best part is that in both costumes, the only thing that resembles an animated space hamster are the ears. Pretty sure there was not 6" heels in Pokemon.

"Sexy CSI": Nicole
She's here to collect some samples.

EWW. Did I just say that?

"Sexy My Little Pony": Bequi

Or, as I like to call it... "sexy legwarmers and swimsuit outfit that doesn't resemble cartoon ponies in any way possible."

"Sexy Etch a Sketch": Danielle
This was my favorite submissing that Danielle sent me. I will never look at my kids' Etch a Sketch the same. Sketchy Sally, indeed.

I am convinced you could make literally any object into a sexy costumes. Sexy lamp? Sexy scissors? Sexy garbage can? All totally plausible.

"Sexy Optimus Prime": Natalie

My favorite part about this costume was BY FAR the reviews it got. One enthusiastically proclaimed "It didn't rip when I sat down!" Dream big, skanky Halloween girl. You keep those standards high.

Alright, that's the group. Remember... post the title or the name of the submitter to cast your vote. Let's see which is the worst of the worst.... of the WORST.

Also, stay tuned for What I Wore on Monday, when you'll get to see my (non-slutty) Halloween costume! It's gonna be epic.

Vote away!

Jae Tests the Trend: Colored Skinnies

2011-10-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Let me explain my thought process for buying my red skinnies.
1) "I really want some red pants. They are super cool."
2) "Am I too old for this?"
3) "Let me Google some pictures of people wearing red pants. Crap, they're all young celebrities."
4) "I should take a consensus on my Facebook page."
5) "OMG, they are all saying yes... maybe not so ridiculous?"
6) "I should just go look. To the store!"
7) "ZZZZZZZOMG these are amazing how did I ever live without them."

Seriously, these skinnies own my soul. Still, they're red for a reason. It's the closest color to a neutral that I could get. Their shape is perfect and they have an ideal length. If these were seafoam green and flared, I'd look like a psychopath.

Testing this trend made me think about looking trendy and fashionable in general. Probably the thing I hear the most when shopping with friends or recommending clothes to people is "I couldn't pull that off." It's also probably the phrase that annoys me the most. To me, it represents close-mindedness. Because most often, when I hear that phrase, it means you're not even going to try. And not trying is what lands you in yoga pants day after day.

Trends are tricky territory, especially after you've had a couple of kids and you're not ACTUALLY going to be 21 forever. It can be hard to decipher which trends are right for you and which ones should be left to the young, hip and childless set.

Still, there's no reason you shouldn't at least give it a shot. The trick to deciphering trends is to know your tastes and your body shape. I can usually look at a trend in the magazine and know right of the bat if it's something that will flatter me. For instance, trench coats - yes! Capes - no. I need definition around the waist, not at the shoulders.

That being said, there's not a lot in the world of trends that I won't try at least once. Usually it's just a matter of five minutes in a fitting room to decide whether or not a trend is for me. Whether it's peacock feathers, granny boots, dolman sleeves, jeggings or wide leg trousers, they've all had their moments for better or for worse.

I think what you really need to remember is that not everything is going to work on your body. But since you're probably alone in the fitting room, THAT'S OK. You don't have to have the body of a model to try something new. If you hate it, you only need to hand it back to whoever is working the fitting room and leave the store. That's it. No commitment whatsoever. You can handle that, right?

So if you see something in a magazine, on another woman or on a mannequin that you'd love to try, you literally have nothing to lose to give it a shot. If it looks great, hello confidence booster! If not, whatevs... on to the next.

Once you find things that work for your body type and that you love, look for ways to make them more "you." That's the true difference between someone who knows fashion and someone who is just a big fat trend whore. Anyone can buy expensive clothes that are "in," but you don't want to look like you just purchased a mannequin. Instead, find ways to work a new piece into outfits that you typically wear and all of a sudden, you're totally pulling it off. Take my red jeans for example. If I paired them with a graphic tee or something, the look wouldn't be me because that's not how I usually dress. Instead, I reached for a plain tee and my trusty leather jacket, which is practically my signature piece. Now I'm wearing a trend... the trend isn't wearing me.

Now, with that in mind, it doesn't mean you have to give every single trend a shot. I know there are some trends that I know likely won't look great on me and that I never even consider. Not that I can't "pull it off" (whatever the heck that means) I just know they won't be flattering. Like booties, for instance. I prefer a more streamlined look to the leg and I don't like the way they break up the calf. I have never been intrigued by them. But if I see a trend and like the way it looks, why wouldn't I give it a shot?

I just want you to know that perfect body, flawed body, pear-shape, apple-shape, you CAN participate in trends as long as you find ways to make them work for you. That could mean you reach for a graphic scarf instead of a flashy tee or participate in the feather trend by wearing earrings. You can totally embrace more color with a neon belt or printed shoes. Whatever the case, you don't need a complete wardrobe overhaul to look fashionable. Just a couple of key pieces each season and a super open mind.

Or me as a shopping partner. I'm super pushy and kind of mean won't take no for an answer.

What I Wore: Blogliftin' and Lovin'

2011-10-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

Fashion blogging is funny because you seriously get to "know" people through their style choices more than you do musing from their lives. I feel like how you dress says a lot about you and that's not just because I'm horribly judgmental. Whether you live in sweatpants or you dress up to play at the park, it tells me tons about you. So when I read fashion blogs I can't help but feel like I know the girls through their outfits. And then I guess who I would be IRL friends with. Lilly over at Lilly's Style? Fo' shizzle we'd be friends and not just because I totally lifted this look from her blog. We have super similar tastes. Check below and on my sidebar for other fashion blogs that I love and that work for different body types... then share the love!

Tank: JCPenney (bows? I die!)
Cardigan: American Eagle
Belt: F21
Skirt: F21
Sparkly flats: I haven't the slightest clue. I bought them because I went shopping one day in uncomfy shoes and my feet were killing me so I bought a new pair and changed into them then and there. Approximately one-third of my shoe collection has been purchased in this manner.

What I loved about this outfit is that it's such a super casual way to wear a body-con skirt on a daily basis. Genius!

(Sometimes I get really sick of taking pictures. Also, how cute is the length on this boyfriend cardigan? Note to self: Buy 10 immediately.

I love piling on bracelets that don't have anything to do with anything and wearing them together. Here I've got bangles from Nordstrom. my beloved Gucci cuff watch, my leather March Jacobs bracelet and a cheapie cuff from Charlotte Russe altogether and I love it. Also, please note that this is the day I had great hair of epic proportions, which I felt deserved photographic evidence. Seriously. Best hair day EVER.

Some other fashion blogs I think you'll love:
Best for plus sizes: Momma Go Round
Best for eclectic style: clothed much
Best for doable mom style: Mod Milk Momma

What are your fave fashion blogs? Seriously, I'd better be on the list.

Freaky Friday: I Heart My Readers

2011-10-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've been getting everyone's Halloween costume submissions and I AM LOVING THEM. Some have actually left me speechless. I'm going to do the Freaky Friday Halloween Sexy Costume extravaganza next Friday and I'll also reveal my own Halloween costume. I bet you can't guess what it issss!

But besides vulgar Halloween costumes, my readres are also always sending me the best Freaky Friday submissions. I love you guys. It makes my job easier and makes me think that someone is actually reading this drivel. That makes me feel warm inside and it's not just because I have heartburn from eating PopTarts for breakfast.

Let's do it!

Meleah alerted me that they just released the preview of the Versace for H&M collection. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of really cool places. The stud dress is ah-mazing. But some of them are so Mya Rudaolph-playing-Donaltella-Versace-on-SNL-ish I can't even stand it.

I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but let's just make a general rule against pink uterus shapes on your abdomen? OK. Because up close this is a pretty albeit super weird beach scene, but far away it's a treasure map.

This dress makes me feel festive in a cat-getting-into-the-tinsel way.

My younger brother also just informed me that one of my parent's cats has a digestive problem and has been barfing everywhere. I was never so glad to live 3,000 miles away.

I have no idea why I just told you that.

YAY! For when you can't decide how you want to look: awkward and crazy... or awkward and crazy!

I went through a brief fixation with fur vests last year. Thank heavens I didn't give in. This looks like a gorilla, Donatella.

Rebecca sent me what might be the world's most inappropriate boots. Inappropriate for what? Life and mankind. And straight people.

She also sent me this PURE awesome. Anyone else have the urge to reach out and pinch this bum?
Yeah, me neither.
Also, I am always lamenting about how the ugliest part on the male body is the upper thigh. I will add that both front and back of the thigh are equally offensive. Especially on this guy.

Lindsay sent me these boots that she noted would be perfect for self defense. Although, if you're wearing these, you probably deserve to be mugged. Also, I'd love to see you try and run.

I got the best email from Jo who is from my hometown far, far away and reads my blog because her daughter used to work with my brother. How awesome is that? It's from Joe Fresh, which I actually like. Unfortunately, this dress looks like that paper that came in rolls in the 90s and to use it you would have to unroll it and flatten it out. What was that stuff even called? My mom used to make bows out of and stick it on wreaths in our house.

Also, is it me or does it look like that dress would make a weird sound when you walked in it?

It was posted on the Toronto Star website with an option to vote for love it loathe it... but I didn't see one for "kill it with fire?"

My Aussie friend Mina sent me these socks. I wondered if you could just wear them with a bra and call it a Halloween costume, but she said she'd rather wear them to the grocery store to see what people did. I think it's problematic that the capes are only on the socks... does that mean only the calves can fly? Awkward.

As always, thanks to my loverly readers who keep me supplied with the web's ugliest clothes. It makes me oh so happy.

So if you were following along on the Facebook page, you'd know that I was considering the purchase of a pair of red skinny jeans and needed the opinions of my trusted fans before I moved forward. I'm happy to say that you approved and I'm needy, so I went and got my pair at Contagious (local girls, seriously, check it out... they have awesome clothes. Where else can I find a pair of red jeans on Main Street, for goodness sakes.) I'm so excited to wear them today. I have a hot date with Footloose and I intend to pay homage to the red cowboy boots with my red jeans.

See? I really couldn't do it without you guys. Mwa! (That was a kiss or the beginning of an evil laugh.... I'll never tell!)

Also, 10 points to whoever can guess what I'm dressing up as for Halloween. If you're one of the three people I've told YOU CAN'T GUESS and I'll cut you off as a friend. Want a hint? It doesn't involve lingerie OR a tail.

Sweater Weather!

2011-10-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

After a really weird month where we had summer like temps (I was wakeboarding the first weekend in October) it's finally cooled down here and I'm kind of in love with it. I walked down to a friend's house the other day and she asked if I was freezing because I was still in shorts. Please. My two year old made me carry him the three blocks home UPHILL and I was so hot I briefly considered becoming a nudist.

Of course, with cooler weather comes awesome sweaters and nothing in the world makes me quite so happy. I plan to build up my sweater collection this year, since I tend to stray toward blazers and my sweater collection is woefully underpopulated. So I decided to go online shopping and see what's big this fall for sweaters. Would you like to see what I found? OF COURSE YOU DO!

Stripes:

Hollister Co boyfriend shirt, $50
H M cotton knit sweater, £15
ANM knit sweater, $50
Almost Famous loose shirt, $22
Old Navy knit sweater, $27

Of course stripes and sweaters are pretty much synonymous, but stripes can be scary and tricky to wear. If you're in love with a cute nautical sweater style, remember to choose a pattern in proportion to your size and look for more abstract prints if you have problem areas. For instance, I am loving the more freeform Fair Isle stripes and they'll let you in on the trend AND be super flattering. Also, stripes on different structures. Don't always think that sweaters must be old school. I love a Dolman sleeve or poncho-like construction. Just not an actual poncho. Ew.

Ladylike:

Hollister Co scoop neck top, $50
Striped top
H m cardigan, £15
Hollister Co beach top, $36
Floral Waffle-Knit Cardigan, $13

I just cannot handle the level of cuteness here. Bows? Lace? Swoon! Ladylike details are awesome because the cardigan is kind of conservative as it is. The trick is to add balance. I would love a bow cardigan worn with uberhigh heels or a floral cardi and scuffy boots. The juxtaposition of sweetness and something more rebellious makes my heart warm inside.

Boyfriend:

Hollister Co cotton shirt, $35
Fox hoodie, $32
Soul Cal sweater, £30
Soul Cal ruched top, £20
Cardigan, $25

The boyfriend sweater is supposed to look like you stole a sweater out of your hubby's or boyfriend's closet. I just did a look with one and I'll show you on Monday, but for now you can check these out. Now, just because boyfriend sweaters are in doesn't mean you can just wear a man's sweater. Look for male-inspired details on sweaters cut to fit a woman's body, if you place. Wearing your hubby's Hanes sweatshirt isn't going to fly with me.

Structured:

Old Navy cable knit cardigan, $33
Brown cardigan, £25
Daytrip oversized blazer, $44
Denim jacket, £28

H m blazer, £25

Remember when I told you that I tend to stray toward blazers? Yeah, I love me some structure. It's magical for making your body look super put together. I especially love blazer construction on a sweater. It ALWAYS looks right. Pair any of these with a scarf, skinny jeans and knee-high boots and you're the cutest mom at the PTA Fall Festival, my friend.

Alright, so fess up... which one of these sweaters would you buy if you could? I'm heavily contemplating that Fair Isle loosey goosey shirt. What is it with me and hippy clothes lately?

What I Wore: Hippy Dippy

2011-10-17T08:11:00.001-07:00

I think I usually stray toward straight-laced, more formal styles. If you asked my favorite type of look in general I'd have a hard time choosing between "Girl Next Door" and "50s Mad Men Secretary." lol. By the way, those are both totally real styles. I should know, I just made them up.

I've never really gotten on board with the whole Boho movement. While I totally love me some Nicole Richie-esque maxi skirts, macrame and head scarves just aren't me. So when I saw this crazy shirt it took me a long time to finally just buy it. No joke, I tried it on like, three times and kept asking my mom, who was shopping with me "Is this totally crazypants or what?" I finally just ended up buying it. Because when in doubt, buy and work it out.

Still, it wasn't totally "me" until I style it with my trusty old Fryes. I think it makes the shirt a little more down-to-earth than had I worn this with like, a maxi skirt and some platforms, right? I guess it's a Jae way to dress like a total hippie.

Top: Local boutique
Belt: Walmart woo!
Jeans: A&F (I have like 90 pairs, sue me.)
Boots: Frye
Leather bracelet: Marc Jacobs
Earrings: F21

I HAD to belt it. It was so impossible for me not to because I felt like the shirt was so floaty that it needed some structure to bring it down to earth a little bit. The crazy print was just TOO crazy.

I love these earrings. They're made out of shell but carved to look like wings. Aaaand they were like $4, thank you F21. Also, please note that EVERY TIME we take pictures my son wants to get in there and do kiss pictures. I can't say no!

I still don't think I'm totally cut out for boho looks but I guess this is the best of both worlds. I'll still take a pencil skirt anyday.

So now I ask YOU, if you could describe your style, how would you describe it? Tired Mom-on-the-Go? Girls Night Out Rockstar? Pajama Chic?

Also, if you haven't seen this article on The Daily Mail's website, check it out!

Freaky Friday: Pinterest Fails

2011-10-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

Most of you know by now that I am utterly obsessed with Pinterest. I just love all of the IDEAS out there. Most of them make me a little angry, because they're so simple and I should have thought of it before, but I love that Pinterest puts those ideas in my head. I actually made my daughter a TUTU. Like, who am I? (It was no-sew, everyone calm down.)

Anyway, one of the awesome things about Pinterest is seeing the eclectic mix of fashion that different people pin. Actually, I saw an outfit on there that I cannot wait to replicate over the weekend. When I'm stumped for new ways to remix my closet, my trusty Pinterest never fails me.

Except when I see things on Pinterest that hurt my heart. Like when people pin bad fashion and pretend like it's good. Or when I see outfits that need to be retweaked. Some aren't even *that* bad, but they could be so much better. Which is what I was talking about when I lamented this very problem on Facebook.

Shall we delve into the belly of Pinterest to see what things bug me? OK! These are actual outfits and clothes pinned on bulletin boards. I did my best not to take any from anyone I followed... so don't hate me if you're like "Hey I pinned that to my Favoritest Clothes Ever board!"

This was listed as "Must have this outfit!" Yes, everyone MUST look like they're 14 and shop at Wet Seal and take everything too literally!

Oh, this outfit. This outfit, this outfit, this outfit. Whoever made this did their very best to stick to a subtle color palette. I can tell.

We've talked about how much I hate matchy, matchiness, right?

I hope you got a pedicure. Because everyone's gonna be lookin' at your bunion.

These aren't shoes. They're a floatation device.

I would like to know in which office it's appropriate to wear what are essentially pink khakis with nude peep-toe booties and the world's most random emerald necklace? But uh, good luck at your new job: unemployment.

Oh, these shorts. While the patterns is HORRENDOUS and a little excessively New Mexico, I believe it's the diaper-like fit that offends me the most. Maybe it's because I actually see my child's diapers on a daily basis, but I just KNOW what this woman's bum looks like. Soggy.

Now, I would like to point out that I *almost* like this and it really shouldn't be on here EXCEPT for a few details that I must point out for the sake of education, if nothing else. First: if you have awesome boots with awesome details, don't hide them under bootcut jeans. These would be so cute with patterned tights and a skirt or dress instead. One of my Pinterest girls referred to these as "Uncircumcised boots" which made me laugh maniacally for at least three minutes. Second, if you're doing two accessories that will essentially lay on top of eachother ie: earrings and a scarf, don't let them be the same color. They will totally blend and you'll lose the interest. If these earrings were gold or the scarf was plum, this outfit would get an A+.

I like to think that I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to accessories. But apparently I'm just not hip enough to rock the bakery trend. Woe is me.

I KNOW the person who created this one had schizophrenia. Plaid dress AND skinny jeans AND super detailed heels AND some random flowers that I don't understand. You go girl.

HA! You thought I was going to say something snarky about these nails, when really I just wanted you to bask in their awesomeness. T-U-R-T-L-E power!!!

If you want to follow me on Pinterest, click here. I think I might start a bad fashion board because I thoroughly enjoy picking things apart. It's what makes me so very delightful to be around. If you have any bad fashion, remember to send it my way. The scary sexy Halloween costumes have started coming in and I am loving them all, keep 'em coming!

Happy Friday, guys!

Transitioning into Fall and Winter

2011-10-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

This a repost from last year. I started to write another post about transitioning summer wear and I was like wait, didn't I already do this? It's just been one of those days where I had like, three minutes to get dressed and out the door because I overdosed on NyQuil, then totally slept in and shoved my kindergartner out the door to the bus just minutes before I had to be at a 9am meeting. Don't you hate days like that? So when I sat down to blog I basically started writing this one again. My brain hurts.

So I'm reposting as a reminder! Keep your maxi dresses in rotation please!

********************************************************************************

We've discussed how much I enjoy colder weather because it means a few things to me: Holidays, cute boots and LAYERING. Oh how I love to layer. It creates interest and dimension to outfits that I just can't achieve with the t-shirts and flip flops of summer.

Of course, all summer long I expounded upon the importance of things like maxi dresses, casual dresses and skirts. If you were good followers, you listened and rushed out and invested in all things girly. But now it's getting cold, what the heck do you do with them?

Never fear! I have ideas for transitioning your wardrobe into winter and fall. I am NOT the kind of girl who puts away her summer clothes and rotates out her closet. Every piece is fair game around here, and if you're not a bazillionaire you probably just need to make it work with the clothing you already have.

Your Maxi Dress:

Oasis Feather Print Maxi Dress, Multicoloured, 15 GBP
AE Women's Denim Jacket (Authentic Medium Wash), $50
Miss Me Women's Monet-16A Studded Ankle Boot, $50
East West Messenger, $48
Java Marble Resin Bangle Set, 12 GBP

All summer long I wandered around in my maxi dress and flip flops or flats. I still love them all to death. But now that it's cold, it's time to make it look less summery and more serious. Adding a jacket up top instantly adds more credibility. I've worn my cropped jean jacket and my leather jacket with max dresses and it was so cute. I also love a pair of slouchy boots or moccasins. You can be a little flowery childish with a maxi dress. Add a winter bag and no one will even notice it's the same dress you wore to the beach.

Your Casual Skirt

Velvet Bow Pocket Cardi, 27 GBP
Old Navy Womens Ruffle-Hem Skirts, $25
Put On a Bow Tights, $14
Forever21.com - Shoes - Dressy - 2080953702, $25
Padlock Shoulder Bag, $48
Fancy Beaded Headband, $6.80

You can totally get away with wearing the cute skirt you wore with flats all summer for a more formal event if you dress it properly. Tights, tights, tights are a must to bring your skirts current. Patterns over colors, whatever. You cannot go wrong, unless they have weird patterns on them... like bats. Stay away from bats. Bows? Totally adorbs! Dress it up with a little sweater and you have an Emma Pillsbury way to dress up even casual fabrics and fit.

Your Skinny Jeans / Dare I Say It? JEGGINGS.

Old Navy Womens Fair Isle Tie-Belt Wrap Cardigans, $40
Women's Skinny Jean - American Eagle Outfitters, $40
Slouchy Mid-Calf Boots w/ Buckles, $40
Off White Round Handbag, $33
BKE Marbled Hoop Earring, $2.55
Lucky Brand Ojai Ring, $26

So I love a skinny jean with a t-shirt, flat and summer scarf, but come winter, it's going to look too summer casual. Luckily, awesome sweaters can help balance out your top half while keeping you warm and fashionable. Look for sweaters that accentuate the waist so you don't get lost in all that yarn. And slouchy boots are a must, especially if you're wearing the J-word. I don't want to see your ankles in the winter. They look cold and lonely.

Your Summer Dress

binding floral bandeau dress, 18 GBP
Let It Be Me Blazer, 140 AUD
Black Faux Suede Ruffled Lace Back Knee High Flat Boots @ Amiclubwear..., $26
Multi Ruffle Handbag 172949100 | handbags & wallets | Tillys.com, $22
Silver Flower Stud Earrings, $18
Black double wrap waist belt, 8 GBP

So if you have a dress that has a very summery pattern, you can tone it down by pairing it with plenty of black and heavier accessories. After a back blazer, boots and bag, the red and white of this dress becomes a pretty accent, rather than the main event. Plus the boots and jacket can help keep you warm while everyone else is shivering in last season's dresses. My, aren't we smug?

Don't worry about running out and buying new clothes, especially if you don't have the cash for them. Work with what you have and add pieces and accessories to make it look like they were made for fall. It's okay, I won't tell a soul.

What I Wore: High Mileage

2011-10-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

You might be surprised to know that me and fashion weren't always good friends. You've seen pictures of me as a teen, so you know I went through an awkward, graphic tee and bathtub necklace-wearing phase before coming into my own and learning how to look like an acceptable human being. The truth is that I didn't always have much money to spend on clothes, which made me think that I had to go around looking "quirky" at best.

Even though I have a slightly larger shopping budget than I did when I was a teen or when I was first married (seriously, it was like $25 a month. Sigh.) I still have a hard time shaking the habit of shopping for the most mileage possible.

You see, when I had a miniscule budget for clothes, I did all of my shopping with my teensy wardrobe in mind. I had to invest in pieces that I could wear all the time in a variety of ways. And I STILL do this. When shopping, I usually pick out an item and buy it once I think of three ways that I could wear it.

Which is why I slapped down the money for this supercute boyfriend blazer. I've tried boyfriend blazers before and they always made me look like Jerry Seinfeld. But I found this other one at F21 a couple of weeks ago and it fit like a glove without totally drowning me. Plus it had a button. YAY BUTTONS.

So you get two outfits today. I know, I know. I spoil you with pictures of myself. You are welcome. I just wanted to show you two ways to wear the same thing, yet look like you're wearing a totally different outfit. Then people say "How does she have so muc money to spend on clothes?" And you're like "You'll never know, sucka!"

Outfit 1 (Thank my husband and the dark, rainy weather for the fuzzy picture.)

Blazer: F21
Green v: Derek Heart
Jeans: Refuge
Shoes: Wild Diva
Scarf: Gap
Cuff: Marc Jacobs
Bangles: Nordstrom
Ring: F21

Can we just take a moment to squee over these shoes? They are some of my faves because they're pony hair. So they look like zebra and they feel weirdly like zebra too. Except I've never petted a zebra, so we'll just pretend.

Anyway, I wore this out to dinner with my friends on Friday night. These jeans are ultimately skinny, so they don't get worn that often. To be honest, I always forget if they fit or not, so I avoid them until I get the nerve to put them on, then dance a short jig when I realize that they do in fact still fit me. WOO.

THEN, on Sunday, I used the same blazer to dress down my favorite cocktail dress. (Picture is much better.)

Dress: Adrianna Papell
Blazer: F21
Shoes: Payless (American Eagle brand)
Pearls: Nordstrom (tied)
Ring: Local

I love love love this dress. I love me some Adrianna Papell, the dresses always fit like a glove and are super classic. I bought this dress for a wedding a couple years ago and have only worn it twice since then, because I don't actually drink cocktails. I think the blazer dresses it down enough to semi-formal level, making it look more power-suity. I must try this with other cocktail dresses immediately!

Check out how I used my hair and makeup to change the look too. Friday I french braided both sides back and then clipped up the top for trendier hair. Then, Sunday I did a sleeker blowout with a red lip because I like to dress like Jackie O like that. Plus my full name is Jacqueline so we're basically twins.

Anyway, I wanted to show you how one piece goes from trendy Friday night to conservative Sunday morning to get the most mileage.

Check out your closet to see what items you typically wear one way but could totally be worn another day and you don't even have to go shopping. And other moms will still be jealous/hate you.

Freaky Friday

2011-10-07T08:32:00.001-07:00

If you were over on the Facebook fan page (see right sidebar) this week, you know that I was lamenting about Pinterest. I love that site with all of my heart but I hate all of the bad fashion floating around over there. Even worse when I see pins and I'm like "Nooooooo stoooooop!" My awesome friend Nat (I call her Nat because her name is impossibly hard to spell and includes an inexplicable 'h') suggested I do a freaky Friday Pinterest edition to get it off my chest. ANd so next week, I shall. I just needed to do some email inbox cleaning first. Let's say a big thank you to Kim, Lindsay and Beth for sending me some of the week's best uglies.

Also, I think we're going to do a contest the last week of October. I want to see who can find the most ridiculous "sexy" costume and send it to me at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com. I don't know what the prize will be yet, but if you come across like, sexy Pikachu, I want to KNOW!

Without further ado (which I originally had spelled as 'adieu' because I write too early in the morning lol)

Weirdly flesh colored? Check. Bunchy and unflattering? Check check. Makes Jae want to stab herself? Check, check and check!

Ummm. These shoes make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. One word: vajungle.

These look pretty sensible for the slopes, I would say.

Satin + capris = plus sized disaster. AVOID.

Oh, I know Rihanna is wearing these somewhere right now, despite the fact they're basically upscale parachute pants.

I know I say this every week, but this has GOT to be the worst jumpsuit we've ever had. I never knew one could be this bad. Really? Acid wash? Is that even necessary?

Creepy legging alert! Newsflash: I don't want to see the flesh of your upper thigh. Ever.

Kim pointed out that the best part of these shorts were that they were titled "Pleasure Doing Business With You."

Um, which business would that be? A hysterectomy?

Well, I know I sufficiently want to curl into the fetal position and lament the state of fashion, but I have to get some work done. I have a fun girl's night planned, which means roughly two hours of tearing my closet apart to find something to wear. I might be excited that it's a little chilly out today because I have a new blazer that is begging to be worn. I shall! I shall wear you, forgotten blazer!!

Wearing Animal Prints Without Looking Like a Boozy Cougar

2011-10-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

We all know that excessive amounts of leopard print remind me of my childhood friend. Her mom consistently wore leopard bustiers to EVERYTHING and she always paired them with leather jackets and a generous helping of wine. I will NEVER shake that image. That's why wearing leopard print always seems like walking the fine line between looking fashion forward and looking for 20-year-old college boys who are into wrinkles.

Since it's fall, animal print is back in full force. I love me some animal print and have tons of leopard, zebra, snake and peacock in my closet. I just can't say no. But I CAN say no to leopard bustiers and wine because that's just how I roll.

Don't ever by afraid of animal prints. They don't have an age limit, especially when done appropriately. By thinking differently about how to use animal print in a fresher way, it doesn't have to be all Real Housewives-y. Unless you want it to be Real Housewives-y, in which case I also recommend Botox and lip injections until you look like an unrecognizable blowup doll version of yourself.

Check out some new rules for making animal print mom-appropriate. This way, no one will hide their teenage boys when you're in the school pickup line.

Kick It Casual:

Quiksilver cotton shirt, $44
Bootcut jeans, £25
Ballerina flat, $50
Wet Seal tote handbag, $22
Beaded earrings, $12
TopShop leopard print scarve, $32

Sometimes animal print is seen as more of a club-scene pattern. Like, in bustier form. Or in a miniskirt. Creepy. But animal print is awesome for plain casual wear. By pairing something like a leopard scarf or flats with jeans and a tee, the look is fashion forward without looking like you're headed to ladies night. I especially love it with a little distressed leather to help dress the print down a bit.

Mix Patterns:

H M short jacket, £30
Dorothy Perkins black skirt, £24
Rocket Dog zebra print shoes, $45
Green ring, $39
Dorothy Perkins purple jewelry, £10
Avance Molly Clutch, $49

K, so don't go crazy on me here, but it's OK to mix animal prints as long as you stay within the boundaries of neutrals and pick two patterns only. I like the mix of zebra and snakeskin because they're both subdued. Because of that, it's fine to do one piece that's more substantial. Had this been a leopard skirt and zebra shoes, you'd look like you were headed on safari. Weird. If you want to mix two contrasting animal prints, do it in your accessories, not your clothes. Keep the look tight with monochromatic colors, adding in pops of color with your accessories.

Brighten Up:

Daytrip top, $21
Daytrip military jacket, $40
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
H&M knee length leather boots, £40
Hobo shoulder bag, $45
Peacock jewelry, $5.99
ASOS vintage jewelry, $18

Animal print doesn't HAVE to be all boozy coug. By picking animal prints that are in appropriate colors, it looks fresher and more fashion forward. This does not mean you should go buy neon pink leopard print. You're not a 14 year old girl shopping at Claire's. Instead, more abstract patterns work best. This print mix works because it's more suggested, rather than a literal animal print. Love how the colors work well with peacock because I LOVE PEACOCK AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS. I also love the idea of anchoring such a bright, outgoing piece with some harder-edged additions, making the textured jacket and moto-boots pretty much perfect.

So who's with me? Anyone brave enough to try animal prints this fall? I promise I won't judge, unless you're wearing leopard print AND drinking wine from a box. Deal?

What I Wore: Prep

2011-10-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever read the book "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld? It's legitimately one of my favorite books of all time. Full discolsure here? It gets a little graphic. I think all of Sittenfeld's books are like that. "American Wife" was fantastic too. Anyway, "Prep" is about a Midwestern girl who is accepted into an elite East Coast private school. Seriously. Take this book to the beach and devour it because it's like being in high school all over again. I've probably read it 7 times. (I'm kind of obsessed with reading. If you want more book suggestions from yours truly, click here.)

My favorite parts about the book are the kids names (Aspeth? Cross? I love it) and the general description of the WASPy parents. I admit that I kind of love to dress preppy now and again. I love the clean lines and structure of a little prep. But prep can also go horribly wrong when you go overboard. Like wearing a sweater tied over your shoulders with tennis shorts and overwhitening your teeth, AMIRIGHT?

My general equation for preppy goodness is a cute cardigan and a structured belt. I also like to dress down the jeans. If I had worn like, dark trouser jeans, it would still be cute but a little starched. And it was Friday when I wore this. No starchiness on Friday. You gotta get DOWN on Friday!

Cami: Pacsun
Cardigan: Banana Republic
Belt: WALMART WOO! It's reversible. Take THAT, rich East Coasters!
Jeans: Abercrombie & Fitch
Flats: Soda (Aaaand they are falling apart. I bought a new pair that day.)
Rings: F21, Inspired Silver
Cuff: Charlotte Russe
Watch: Gucci
Earrings: F21

Whenever I see myself in pictures I'm like "Sweet mother of mercy I am short."

I loaded on a ton of accessories to make the whole belted cardi thing look less sweet. Add a couple of cuffs to my jeans and I was ready to look down my nose at public schooling and fast food.

Just kidding. Public schools and Chick-Fil-A are my fave, y'all! I actually ate there about 30 minutes after this picture was taken. True story.

Also, my mom took pictures this time. Who did better? My mom or my kindergartner?

Freaky Friday: Fun With Keywords

2011-09-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Reading my keyword analysis is my favorite thing to do EVER. Like, I love shopping and being with my famjam, but finding out how people happened upon my website is pretty super awesome. Unfortunately, some of the entries I read make me sad, for I know that they did not find what they were looking for on my site. It's for this reason that I do fun with keywords as a service to all of those who still haven't found what they're looking for.

(Totally a side story, but when I was 16 I worked as a babysitter five nights a week for a kid who had ADHD. The best part about the job -- besides the fish sticks -- was that the mom owned U2s entire collection and had a great stereo. To this day "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" makes me feel like an awkward 16 year old doing my homework and telling Austin to stop licking the wall.)

ANYWAY, I found some real ems when I logged in to my Statcounter the other day and far be it from me to disappoint my adoring Google searchers.

-Baby cinch belt.

Wait, so like a belt to put on your baby to make her look thinner? That kind of reminds me of baby wigs:

Or even better, baby spanx:

By the way, the wigs are real, the Spanx are not. Please don't write an angry letter to Spanx.

-Why does Skippy keep asking me for money?

First of all, I have no idea how this would relate to my blog in any way, shape or form. Second of all.... have you asked him?

-Bajingo

OK, I KNOW this has to do with the uterus pillow posting from like, a year ago. But it made me laugh as singular word typed into Google. Also, my mom is here visiting and the other day she stuttered and somehow said "Vajungle" which I am now using on a daily basis. VAJUNGLE.

-Trashy girl

Your wish is my command:

Take a bath, hippie.

-Ideas for everyone wearing plaid in family pictures.

Here's an idea. Don't. Ever. And while you're NOT all wearing plaid shirts, you can go ahead and burn the khakis that I KNOW you would have paired them with.

-A man in a frilly shirt.

Really? You just couldn't Google "Fabio" and be done with it?
Please. You know this guy's name is something like "Fox Stone" and he's on every cover of every paperback ever sold in Walmart. Seriously. Looking for a book at Walmart makes me want to poke myself in the eye and enroll myself in school. It's either horny Harlequins or horny teen vampires. Jane Austen would be so proud.

-Asymmetrical flap pockets make my butt look....

Oh, you like... want an opinion? Well, I would go with lopsided. Or kind of like your butt is giving a coy half-smile.

YAY I'm off to go shopping with my Mamadukes today. She entertains children while I try on armloads of clothes I shouldn't buy. Score! Also I'm making her take my outfit pics today. I'm excited to see if she's any better than my 5 year old.

Super Awesome Jewelry Storage

2011-09-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

Fans on my Facebook page know that I had a bit of a mishap yesterday. In a fit of feeling Betty Crocker-ish, I went in search of my crockpot to make a full chicken. When I found it, it was at the very tippy top of my cupboards. Unphased, I seized the electrical cord for said crockpot, so I could tip the actual pot down to my level before snagging it. Instead, the thing came crashing down on my FACE and now I have a sore eye. I did have a pretty gnarly swollen black eye afterward, but I think it's gone down. Now it just looks like I'm wearing dark eyeshadow. So pretty.

THIS IS WHY I NEVER COOK.

So, clearly, I'm not all that great at storing cookware. However, jewelry is a different story.

When you don't store your jewelry properly, it hurts a lot less when it lands on your face, but it can also ruin and tarnish a lot easier. I can guarantee half of your jewelry snafus are the result of crappy storage. The other half are the result of your two year old putting your bracelets in the toilet, so I won't judge. Anyhow, I started thinking about ways to store your precious jewels and came up with a few cutesies that I loved online.

Remember this from my friend Charity? I still think it's PERFECT and practically genius. So pretty on a dresser too, you can just leave it out as decor.

How genius are these knobs? They're just mounted to an old board for perfect necklace and bracelet storage. No more knots and yanking on chains! Not that I know what that's like or anything...

This is a rake head. Mind is blown. This is from Country Living magazine. I should do this in my house because it's log and looks pretty with old timey things. But I also love the contrast between the rake and the pretty baubles.

This is my stuff above my dresser. I just tack up my necklaces. If I don't, I totally forget what I even own and don't take full advantage of all of my jewelry. I also use the towel rack in my bathroom to hang my rings, but that's more out of laziness than for storage. Plus it makes me husband mad.

Just avoid creepy storage solutions, like this HAND coming out of a WALL. Fastest way to terrify me at night.

Go forth and organize! Anyone else have any brilliant solutions?

What I Wore: 5'10"

2011-09-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. Being short in the fashion world sometimes sucks. I'm a very average 5'4" and certain items of clothing, like jeans, can be hard to find. Why it's so hard to find jeans in lengths like they have for men I'LL NEVER KNOW.

But sometimes, I don't mind the shortness. Especially when I find a new magenta pencil skirt that would probably be a tad short on a taller girl. Seriously, I bought this on Friday afternoon and may have "Squee'd!" when I saw it. Luckily it fit like a glove with no room to spare and was like, $10. $10!!

So, with the power of my fave heels, I rose myself up to a full 5'10". It always wigs my husband out when I'm taller suddenly.

Top: I have no idea... I bought it from Ross in 2007. lol. It's one of my faves because it goes with literally everything I own.
Skirt: Forever21
Belt: H&M
Shoes: Qupid
Earrings: F21
Ring: Inspired Silver
Cuff: Gucci

Anyway, I *almost* wore my zebra shoes with this, but I think I'll use any excuse to wear blue shoes. Ever. THEY'RE BLUE.

This just in: I have a big butt! So it might have fit like a very tight glove but it has spandex! WOO! Also - teeth pic! My husband was like "Smile with your teeth!" And then I would and he'd be like "Why do you look so weird?" Um, thanks.

My adorable daughter got in for the shot. We inadvertently matched with her blue bow and pink sash. Boom! I pretended like it was on purpose because that's how we roll.

I also did a mini-shop on Friday and bought a new fall pieces that I'm super stoked about. New blazer, anyone? My mom is coming down for a week-long visit tomorrow, so I'm probably going to be heading out with her to do some bank account damage. I'm dying to know what you're looking for fall so I can keep an eye out.

Comment! Comment! Comment! (That's me chanting obnoxiously.)

Freaky Friday

2011-09-23T08:22:00.001-07:00

Since we missed Freaky Friday last week, let's make it doubly dripping with sarcasm, should we? Mmmmokay!

I'm so excited to have a lazyish weekend planned. No super big plans except for sleeping and eating waffles. And maybe watching Harry Potter. All those celebs with high profile parties to attend should be JEALOUS.

Hey, do any of you experienced moms want to tell cute pregnant Beyonce here that it takes like 40 weeks to have a baby? So she's probably not going to have it right now? And so she should probably put on some pants?

These are the nerdiest cutoffs I have ever seen. It was like the designer had a ruler out to make sure there was the perfect amount of pocket underhang. In related news, I never want to type the word "underhang" ever again.

My brother sent me this, (which is apparently the world's creepiest and most Chuck Norris-esque winter hat) while I was on vacation and harassed me about it so I can only assume that he wants me to give it the Freaky Friday treatment. I think he's really just jealous that this hat grows a more masculine beard than him.

Zzzzzzing.

If you want a good laugh and want to see my brother's beard, check out this blooper reel from one of his videos. Like, I cannot watch it and NOT laugh at what is possibly the world's worst British accent.

One of the commenters on Wednesday's post went looking for Breckelle's boots like I was wearing and came up with this hybrid gem. It's the Frankenstein of the shoe world. I can only assume they patched it together with whatever scraps were lying on the floor.

Victoria emailed me this and pointed out that it appeared that skanky Halloween costumes are back in. We're only a month away from sexy Spongebob, guys! The best part about this costume pattern is that THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. There is something wrong with the world when a fireman is roughly the same as a cat. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

Bethany sent this to me with a note that this appeared on her "Fall Trends" InStyle email. Oh, I must have missed when hairy man arms made their way down the catwalk.

On the bright side, at least Bigfoot would be impressed.

And slightly turned on.

Rebecca posted these pants on Pinterest for me to see. Literally everything about this is wrong. You all know how much I love 16 inch crotches, but add retirement village teal, pleats and an awkward length and you have a recipe for my heart.

Noooo it's fall and these knit headband thingies are back. STOP IT. They make heads look weird and hair look dirty. Always.

My brother Ryan also sent me this product and I told him that this is why I hate other parents. Because they make cool parents (LIKE ME) lame by association. Hey, everyone who knows me. I don't do this. I'm a cool mom. I even sometimes let my kids use their legs.

Call CPS!

Fashion Week Trends for Real People

2011-09-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

I felt guilty for leaving you high and dry while I frolicked and became sunburned, so here's a fun Thursday post!

Fashion Week *just* ended, which means my US Weekly iPhone app has been cluttered with stories like "Lindsay Lohan causes scene at fashion show" and "Kristen Stewart sits next to Kate Moss at Mulberry" and "I DON'T CARE."

Seriously, I know Fashion Week is like, basically mecca for the industry, but I don't want to know about famous people who sat on the sidelines and watched. And can we talk about how ridiculous most of the fashion is anyway? Like you really have room in your wallet and your closet for a feathered jacket? Fashion Week is really for the 2 percent of the human population who actually have $2,000 to spend on bejeweled pasties. (Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm lookin' at you.)

However, since most of the trends in the next six months with come as a direct result of stuff shown on unrealistic NYC catwalks, I can do my best to decode so you can still be in style, even if you don't survive on a diet of coffee, cigarettes and self importance like the rest of the fashion industry.

1) Pink and Navy

Star by Julien Macdonald shell top, £32
Abercrombie & Fitch vintage style jeans, $48
ALDO ballet flat shoes, $30
Call it SPRING shoulder bag, $45
Worthington sparkle jewelry, $9.99
Dorothy Perkins viscose shawl, £12

I am actually super in love with this color combo. To the point that pale pink and navy were my wedding colors. It's fresh and preppy without being too prim. I especially love it in bold prints; stripes, plaid, dots, etc. I just bought a striped pink and navy shirt and I cannot wait to wear it. When trying this out, remember that it's supposed to look classic and refined. Dark navies and blush pink is best, since bright blue and pink will look juvenile. Wearing a Hypercolor shirt with ratty jeans won't make this work. Pearls? Yes.

2) Plaid

Hollister Co embroidered shirt, $50
Ganni mini skirt, €120
Wet Seal flat slouch boots, $28
Forever21 antique handbag, $33
Linea Pelle leather wrap bracelet, $40
Gathering Eye feather earrings, $20
Tan belt, £20

Chunky plaid is back and I am so excited. There's just something about a cute, girl-next-door style that I totally gravitate towards. New plaid is more girly, so leave your jeans and cowboy boots for the honky tonk. (Seriously, going to a real, live honky tonk is totally on my bucket list. I want to dance in my cowboy boots while listening to Sweet Home Alabama, please!) Pairing plaid with skirts is super cute and fall appropriate. Boots are still OK, just look for some with less Western styling. And leather! Lots of leather!

3) Lace Anything

Chiffon top, $20
Agent Ninetynine striped tank, $30
Hydraulic faded jeans, $43
Not rated shoes, $45
Dorothy Perkins navy handbag, £25
Manumit brass jewelry, £12
Dorothy Perkins zebra print jewelry, £7.50

Lace is huuuuuge right now, but not in the way you think. Lace automatically conjures images of doilies and girliness and grandmas, so it's exciting to see lace with a harder edge. This for date night with the hubby? It's baby makin' time! Throw on a leather jacket and you're all set. Look for lace in unexpected places, like cardigans, tights and accessories. It's major. I want this outfit immediately.

4) Mustard and Gray

H by Henry Holland ruffle top, £15
Dorothy Perkins pleated skirt, £25
2 Lips Too stiletto heels, $50
Quilted handbag, $18
VIcenza stackable ring, £8
Drop earrings, $9.80
Zara belt, $7.90

...or is it grey? It doesn't matter, it's just pretty. I love this dress up look because it's polished without being totally yawn-worthy. It still has enough color to make it clear that you know your stuff. If you're going to do two colors as a theme, make sure to throw something else in there for interest. A pop of red makes the look less matchy matchy. And the shoes? Please. I die. I want to become a secretary at a 50s law firm.

Remember. Just because celebs were glued to Fashion Week doesn't mean you have to. Trying to decipher what the heck designers are getting at gives me a headache. How does trash bag couture translate to the real world? It doesn't. But there are a few gems in there, so it shouldn't be too hard to freshen up for for fall. Oh fall... jackets! Tights! Closed-toe pumps! I can hardly stand it.

What I Wore: The Camera Never Lies

2011-09-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

When I first thought up this outfit, it was with my trusty old jeggings. The best part about doing outfit posts is that I actually get to see the clothes on camera through the process. I tried on the outfit that I had planned, took one look at the outfit on the camera's view screen and was like "Ooh, no." Because we all know that when I think I look good and the mirror tells me I look good, the camera will dash all hopes and make me feel like a cow and render me useless and eating ice cream for the rest of the day.

So I ran upstairs to change into new jeans and everything was right with the world again.

Now, I had my 5-year-old daughter taking the pictures again. We had to run to a soccer game before I went out so I wouldn't see my husband in time. Taking pictures with a kindergartner is the most frustrating experience OF MY LIFE. She doesn't understand why she can't jump up and down while lining up the shot and her brother is biting her leg and she really just wants to go play soccer.

Mom of the year.

Anyway, we just spent the week down in Lake Powell, where I wore swimsuits and didn't brush my hair or wear makeup, so it was actually lovely to get back to my rituals at home. As I was blowing out my hair I realized that it is about 50 percent lighter than when it was originally colored, meaning the sun at LP bleached the crap out of it... it also doesn't help that my face is FRIED. I was nervous, but I think I'm getting used to it. It's weird to see myself in the mirror and be like "AH WHO'S THAT!"

Oh! It's just me. In my fall clothes. In 80 degree weather. DEAL WITH IT.

Jeans: Abercrombie & Fitch (Emma)
Wrap shirt: Chris and Carol
Cardi: Derek Heart
Boots: Breckelle's (I LOVE THESE)
Rings: Local craft fair and Lia Sophia
Scarf: Buckle

My daughter calls this "hitting my pose." As in, "Hit your pose, mom!" I don't know when she became such a demanding little stand-in kindergarten photographer.

I love the black, orange and greeny-brown (breen? grown?) of the cardigan together. Bring on colder weather, I have a whole section of my closet that hasn't been used in months!

How to: Get an Awesome Haircut

2011-09-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

My new hair cut and color! AND I'm smiling with me teeth! It's a Festivus miracle! I still think I look like a doof but the hair looks good!

So I finally went and I had my hair done yesterday. After three hours in the chair I'm super happy with the transformation, although it's taking some major time to get used to. I've never had hair this light EVER. I told my hairdresser that I've associated myself so long with being a brunette that having blond hair has thrown me off kilter. Am I more fun yet!?

Anyway, while I was talking for THREE HOURS with my main hair girl, Patti, we started discussing what makes a good client and how to get what you want from your hairdresser and I picked up some awesome tips that you'll want to use the next time you head to get a haircut.

I get the worst anxiety before getting my hair done. Like, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I usually want some drastic change and then I sit and stress over how it'll look and what will I do if it doesn't look good and all the rest of it. Most of the world is stressing over an economic crisis right now. Me? WILL MY HAIR BE OK?? So I feel like the better prepared you are for a hair appointment, the better off you'll be with the pregame anxiety.

1) Get a good hairdresser. I never know whether to call them stylists or dressers or what, but whatever you call her, trust her with your life. Or your hair. Same thing. When I lived at home I had an AWFUL hairdresser, only I didn't know she was awful. Her name was like, Lyyza or something stripperish like that and she always wanted to talk about her ex-husband and she NEVER listened to what I wanted. I always came home panicked because she had totally given me bangs or cut too much off or something else that made me freak out.

Since I moved here I've had the same hairdresser for eight years. She lives across the street from me, which is super convenient and she listens much better than my old one. I never leave there thinking OMG WHAT DID SHE DO? It might take a few tries, but if you have a bad haircut or feel like she's not listening to you, don't go back. I kept my crappy hairdresser for like, four years. WHY.

2) Bring pictures. My hairdresser said this was a must. Ambiguously gesturing to your hair while saying things like "Maybe a few inches off but like, layers here and some length over here" is confusing and a recipe for disaster. Scour the web for a few different pictures. I sometimes bring two or three and point out elements that I like from each one, like the banks from one picture but the layers from another. A good hairstylist will be able to interpret what you want with a better idea of what you'd like the outcome to be.

3) Be realistic. Just because you tell your hairdresser you want a Jennifer Aniston cut doesn't mean you'll walk out of there literally looking like Jennifer Aniston. A hairstyle needs to be adjusted for your hair type, length and color, so it's better to have a general ideal of the style you want, rather than perfectly copying someone else's. You'll end up disappointed.

4) Give specific parameters when it comes to color. I really wanted to go lighter but I didn't want it to wash me out. I decided on an ashy blond because I have natural ash brown hair. So I asked specifically for a cooler-toned ash blond, instead of just asking to go lighter. I'm super particular about my color so it was helpful to tell my hairdresser the basic tone I wanted to go for so I didn't end up surprised with like, a strawberry blond.

5) Give your hairdresser a little credit. She's trained and as long as you've done your homework, a good one. While I had a general idea of what I wanted my hair to look like, I have no idea about how anything is actually accomplished. Let your hairdresser be creative and do her work and you'll be happier with the result. Unless you're a stylist yourself, lay off a little. Once you've given the proper parameters, let her do her thing.

6) Ask for advice on how to style and care for your hair once you leave the salon. This is imperative, because you'll leave there with the perfect blowout and after two days it'll be flat and weird and you'll think you have a difficult cut. Instead, watch your stylist as she styles your hair and ask about the products she's using. My hairdresser told me yesterday that lighter, bleached hair curls faster so I should dial down my heated tools. I had no idea! So glad she told me, because that'll make my cut and color last so much longer. And not light on fire. Which is important.

7) Speak up. Once I didn't communicate what I wanted very well and I wasn't in love with the cut I got. After going home I whined about it to my husband and finally hung my head in shame to call my hairdresser for a redo. She was mostly just mortified I didn't say anything while I was actually there. She had me come over that minute and gave me exactly what I wanted after I explained it better.

There's no reason you shouldn't be able to get exactly what you want at the hairdresser's. Seriously, have a loving, communicative relationship with two people in your life: Your spouse and your hairdresser.

Everyone's happy!

Freaky Friday

2011-09-09T07:23:00.001-07:00

I have yet another banana Friday planned today. Hopefully I can get another call 15 minutes before I have to be somewhere so I can throw myself together and look generally sweaty and slightly annoyed all day. That was SO FUN.

Also, I have a Pilates class in like, 20 minutes and I'm dreading getting my butt handed to me. I basically took the month of August off from the gym and I am paying for it now. I went on Tuesday and still feel like an old lady when I bend down to pick up toys. The result is a messy house. It's a fair trade, I would say.

Let's do this!

Hmm... I can't help but feel this is a bit... boxy?

*snort*

Also from the back she looks like a flasher.

Most terrifying dress of life.

I don't even... it already has ARMS.

You know what it reminds me of?

THIS.

HAHAHA it still makes me pee.

Sorry for ruining your day like that.

But it's such a GLAMOROUS diaper!

Oh these pants are horrendous. I probably had a pair just like them when I was like 15, that I would wear with a cropped T-shirt and a mini backpack. I am so ashamed of my past.

JUMPSUITS STOP IT. Why. WHY!? This is torture. Also these are like three inches too short and I just can't do this anymore.

Megan sent me this gem and my favorite part was the description. The dress is completely sheer and the company suggested you be daring and wear it over a pair of jeans. I'm sorry, are you Stevie Nicks? I feel like they're confusing "daring" with "chemically unbalanced."

Emily posted these to the fan page and we agreed that they were a gateway shoe for moms who will eventually become "special massagers" like on "The Client List." It's a hard and dirty road, girls.

Also, did you hear that J. Love is going to be in a show version of that terrible movie? Can't wait to see another show featuring her flouncing around in long nightgowns and wearing low cut shirts.

For sexy geek pharmacists. Meow!

How to make your butt look like a squashy pumpkin. 1) Buy these pants. 2) Wear them ridiculously high.

Mission complete.

Kelsey posted some awesome pants on the fan page that she saw IRL at Forever 21. Unfortunately, when I went to find them this morning, they were SOLD OUT. These are the zebra version of the leopard print style she sent me.

Am I taking crazy pills here? Didn't the president JUST give a speech last night about the economy? Yet women are still buying droopy harem pants. It can't be that bad. Sure, the housing market's in the toilet, but ugly-pants-buying must be at an all time high!

Also, I'd like to point out that her first instinct was to grab the crotch. While I don't think it's socially acceptable, it's entirely appropriate.

This girl could be packing heat.

What I Wore: Easy A

2011-09-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

"Easy A" is one of my favorite movies ever. I have an unnatural love for teen movies in general. Once, my best friend and I watched "Ten Things I Hate About You" three times in one day and I can completely quote the entire script. I dragged my husband along with me to see "Easy A" in the theatre and have been obsessed ever since. Now I watch it when I'm folding laundry and the kids are napping and I can organize and watch teen movies and drink Crystal Light in PEACE.

One of the things I love about the movie -- besides the amazing level of sarcasm -- is the clothes! So when I was at the gym yesterday, struggling through a round of lunges, I concocted an outfit idea based on the cute clothes in the movie.

No, not these clothes:

I was thinking more like these, at the beginning of the movie before all the pretend sex happens:

I love the idea of wearing wedges with super skinnies to balance out the look, so I gave it a go and totally loved it!

Tank: WalMart (yeah, you read that right! It was $3 AND I got milk and cleaning supplies. You cannot beat that.)
Boyfriend cardi - American Eagle
Jeggings: F21
Wedges: Tilly's
Earrings: Local craft fair
Bag: Aldo
Scarf: H&M

Of course I didn't want it to be a literal translation because I'm not a misunderstood teenager, so I used a scarf and some serious earrings to make the look a little more suburban mom appropriate.

You MUST see the cuteness level of these wedges. They go with everything I own and they are actually comfortable. Zipper roses? Adorbs without being too cutesy. I love it.

Check out these major earrings that I picked up at a local craft fair on Friday. They are literally six inches long. I love me some feathers all day long. Does it matter that I already have five pairs of feather earrings? NO! These are nude. I don't have any in nude.

FUN STORY TIME! So yesterday I was lounging around, still in my workout clothes. I had plans for the night but not until 6, so I had plenty of time.

Until my daughter's soccer coach called at 4:45pm to remind me of soccer team pictures, happening at 5pm. I had to go into psycho mode to get my daughter into her uniform and me ready from shower to dressed in literally 15 minutes. I am pleased to announce that I was only seven minutes late. Still, even running out the door I had the wherewithal to grab a second pair of shoes because I had to leave straight from the field, but I didn't want to be that mom who comes to soccer practice teetering on heels. I am actually THAT vain.

Thank goodness I used my workout time to think about clothes, otherwise who knows what I would have thrown on. See? It pays to plan things like this!

So I got home around 10:30 pm and made my husband take pictures before we went to bed. He was so happy about it too.

Oh my life.

Freaky Friday: My Bad

2011-09-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to take a break from our regular Freaky Fridays because I had something happen to me yesterday that was too hilarious slash embarrassing not to share. This just goes to show that for all of my advice and judgmental posts, I still do stupid stuff when it comes to fashion.

So as you all know, yesterday was my hubby's birthday. We decided I'd bring the kids up to his office so we could all go out to lunch together and I wanted to look super cute so that he could spend his birthday relishing in the fact that the last 31 years netted him a pretty wife and adorable children. SO I got out of the shower and started getting dressed. As I put on the shirt I picked out, I realized that I suddenly looked like I had gained roughly 10 pounds overnight. My shirt wouldn't lay flat and instead was all bulgy and weird.

Of course I went into crazypants freakout mode. I tried on at least three other shirts and was panicking because NONE of them looked great. Every time I changed, I'd get the same weird puckering, lines and bulging. I looked soooo fat. Finally, with our lunch date nearing, I threw on my patented fat day outfit -- jeans, a white tee and a huge scarf -- and ran off to make our lunch. While there, I uncharacteristically complained to Justin about my fatness. I was like "I know I skipped the gym these last few weeks but I've been BUSY! Would three weeks make me gain 10 pounds? Did I eat too much popcorn at the movies? WHAT!?" Of course, he told me to chill out and said I wasn't fat and spent his birthday consoling me.

After lunch I had to run to the mall and Justin suggested I pick out a few things for myself. On HIS birthday. But since I don't like to say no, I obliged.

AND OF COURSE everything I tried on looked terrible. Shirts wouldn't lay flat and I just looked weird and dumpy. Don't worry, I still bought a few things, but I wasn't happy about it. I then texted the girls I work out with, letting them know that we would be starting ON MONDAY and committed to no less than six hours per day.

I also swore off cheese bagels. I was that serious.

We had family over for dinner and it wasn't until I was getting undressed for bed that I realized my problem. I had not gained 10 pounds.

I was wearing my underwear backward.

And since it's cut to fit A BUM, all of the excess fabric was making weird bunchiness under my clothes. Not to mention they fit comically high on my hips, making me look all sausagey. Yet somehow I didn't realize any of this until I was getting undressed and saw the tag hanging out the front.

To say that I was relieved won't convey the correct response. I ran into our room and was like JUSTIN I'M NOT FAT I'M JUST STUPID! like it's a fair trade off.

So today, I'm wearing the new shirt I bought yesterday and it looks infinitely better when I have my underwear on properly. I know. I checked.

So my question to you is: have you ever done something super embarrassing while getting dressed? Please, I just sacrificed myself on the altar of dignity telling a couple thousand strangers an underpants story. Seriously. On a related note, the word "panties" makes me simultaneously sweat and want to gag on a spoon. Ugh. Gross. We wear undies in this house.

If you need more encouragement, I have three more as a Freaky Friday offering.

1) The first time I tried on a shirt that had those little straps to go on a hanger, I thought they were part of the shirt and put my arms through them. I was like, 14 and my friends laughed.

2) I was shopping with my husband at Express and the salesgirl did one of those annoying things where she brings me things she "thinks I like" even though she doesn't know my life and I put it on and came out to show my husband, where I was informed that the skirt I was actually a dress, sized for a baby prostitute.

2) I just broke ANOTHER pair of sunglasses. Want proof?

Yup.

So all aboard the fail train! Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Happy Birthday to My Hubs!

2011-09-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

We're in looooooove and coordinate (BUT NOT MATCH) perfectly for family pictures!

I purposely skipped posting yesterday because today is my husband's birthday! Happy birthday Justin!

Let me tell you a little about Mr. Jae. It might shock you to find out that he is the biggest penny pincher ever known to man. He's gotten better over the years, but he still has a mild heart attack any time I spend over $20 on a pair of shoes. He's had several heart attacks. It's sad, really. He's four years older than me so he has a weak heart, naturally. SO OLD.

Still, I think he's resigned to the fact that he's the saver and I'm the spender. We decided to have separate bank accounts like, three years into our marriage and it's the best decision we've ever made. We have access to each other's money, but he doesn't need to freak out when my account balance is low and I'm not tempted by the piles of money saved in his account.

He's definitely paying for our retirement because I'm too busy paying for leather jackets.

Justin and I are probably the least romantic couple ever. It's really because I didn't like him when we first met. I thought he had a bad attitude. He still does, it just had to grow on me over time. We were really good friends before we started dating, which means our relationship was and is based on a mutual love of making fun of people and Will Ferrell movies. We can't take anything seriously. I don't think we've ever formally talked about our relationship. I don't even know how we got married, because that means Justin would have had to make the effort to actually ask me to marry him and that in and of itself is astounding.

Justin is the strong, silent type. I always joke that after someone meets him for the first time, they always come over to me privately and say, "Does Justin like, totally hate me?" Sometimes he legitimately does, but usually it's just because he doesn't feel like talking. That's why he married me. I do enough for two.

Although I will say that Justin is a kick-butt dad. He's the kind of pops that kids have a seizure over every time he walks in the door because he gets down on the floor and plays and plays and plays. He probably plays Barbies with my daughter more than I do. (I never know what to say past "Hi! My name's Sally." Then me and my daughter are just stuck there staring blankly at each other.) He's really good about keeping the kids so I can get out of the house. I think he had them four out of five nights last week because I was out and about.

He's also a super awesome house designer. His website is in my side bar. He had the genius idea for us to build our own house when we'd only been married a couple of years. He designed the entire thing and LITERALLY built it with his own two hands. Literally. I helped grout the tile nine months pregnant. Now I'm happy about it because I love our house, but I still like to bring that point up. Nine months pregnant!? Really.

And since this is a fashion blog, I'll tell you that he is a fantastic dresser. Mostly because I pick out everything he wears but he had a little Calvin Klein in his closet when we first got together so I knew he was a keeper. Also he's a solid eight inches taller than me, which means I can always wear heels and I appreciate that fact. Way to be tall, shmoopie!

Anyway, what's the point of a blog if you can't use it to wish your significant other a Happy Birthday? THERE IS NO POINT, I SAY!

Plus this gets me out of having to make him breakfast. Win!

Love you, Just. Happy birthday you grouchy old man.

You can say happy birthday to him too. Maybe that will make him like this blog more. He mostly just think it's a nuisance because he has to take pictures of me for What I Wore and he usually just wants to leave already.

What I Wore: Accident Waiting to Happen

2011-08-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

AKA me in white pants.

Top: Local boutique
Cargos: Abercrombie and Fitch
Necklace and Ring: F21 (My daughter picked out the necklace. So proud.)
Bangles: Nordstrom

I know I tempt fate every time I wear these blindingly white pants, so they come out very infrequently and whenever it doesn't matter if they stay pristine or not. We spent Saturday shopping around for new shoes for my husband, going to the movies (Yeah Transformers!) and perusing the farmer's market, so it was OK for me to pull out the infamous white pants.

While they're totally inappropriate for any activity ever, I still can't part with these pants. They make my butt look good and as long as they're paired with a graphic tee and some gun metal jewelry, don't look too overly South Beachy. I especially love the cargo detailing. They also have ties to make them into capris, but we all know how I feel about that.

PS: the only thing I got on these on Saturday was some red marker and since we were sitting in a dark theater, I considered it a massive success. I fared better than my husband, who was sprayed with butter as I enthusiastically pumped it all over my popcorn.

Just so you know, this was my "sexy face."

I'm so hot right now.

Freaky Friday: Shoes

2011-08-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

So we couldn't all agree on the cuteness that is TOMS, but I will point out that the response was overwhelmingly positive, which means I can wear my sparklers in peace. Someone asked me yesterday if the pair they give away are the same sequined ones, to which I say I sincerely, sincerely hope so. I so hope there's some kid in Africa wearing special edition plum sequined TOMS. That would be sweet.

But, even if we can't agree on TOMS, we can totally agree on awful shoes in general, right? I was sent some awesome examples on the fan page, which you should totally join. Because we make fun of stuff. Who doesn't like making fun of stuff!?

Have I ever told you how much I hate Betsey Johnson as a designer? No? Well I will. I hate Betsey Johnson as a designer. There is nothing OK with these boots, which is why I expect Katy Perry to wear them in her next music video.

I genuinely feel sad for this shoe. It clearly is a flat that wished it was an Oxford that wished it was a flip flop that wished it was a boot that wished it was dead.

I sincerely hope that this was made in a kindergarten class. If so, bravo! If not, BOO, HISS.

How to Take a Completely Lovely Trend and Beat Everyone Over the Head with it Relentlessly: The title of my newest blog. All about this shoe and how I enjoy florals.

On the bright side.....

....nope, I got nothin'. These are ugly. Checkerboard? Really?

Ohhhhh the infamous kitty shoes. I'd like to point out that while they look like they are for three-year-olds, they are from Torrid and therefore not only made for adults, but plus size adults. Because apparently plus sized girls like..... cats? Also, they came in leopard, so be excited for that.

Also they were labeled as "vintage." Could someone kindly point me toward that era in time?

(Thanks, Meleah!)

Oh, Christian Siriano, you hot mess. Please stop designing high fashion shoes for Payless. All it does is convince soccer moms that they can pull off Muppet feet. Although I would like to touch... then pull my hand away in a disgusted fashion. Let's arrange that.

(Thanks, Rachel dear!)

Can we be done with the huge cuff sandals, please? I've never seen one I like and this one is especially horrendous. The twee boy just kills me. It says "I'm avant garde, but I still like lollipops.

Emily notified me of this alarming trend of cross flip flops with interchangeable straps. None of those words should ever go together. I feel like if you want to express your faith, doing so between your toes probably isn't the best method.

I love a red shoe as much as the next girl... I probably have six or seven pairs. Still, I will not be owning this glorified band costume for the foot. Not only are they ugly, but I was a terrible french horn player.

See? I feel like we're all back on the same page now. Happy sighs all around.

TOMS: Love 'Em or Hate 'Em

2011-08-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

On my birthday this year I finally took the plunge and bought my first pair of TOMS. I had hummed and hawed over it for the longest time. The pair I wanted were a special edition plum glitter that retailed for about $90, so they were more of an investment than I usually make in casual shoes. Still, every time I passed by them I thought of all the ways I could wear them. Finally, I had my family members donate to the "Buy Jae some TOMS" fund for my birthday gifts and my TOMS were purchased. I'm super happy with them. Not only are they ridiculously comfortable, but the sequins make them a little different. Happiness.

Still, I know that TOMS are kind of polarizing. I will admit that they're pretty darn ugly. But that's pretty much the point. They're supposed to look organic and homemade and not like the usual five inch pumps I usually traipse around in. My husband hates them and can't believe I spent so much. But at the mall yesterday no less that four people stopped me to say they liked my shoes. So I know that you either love them or you hate them.

But they CAN look super cute and casual with different outfits. I've been experimenting with mind and have come up with a few ways to wear TOMS without looking like a complete hispter wannabe.

Rue21 woven shirt, $20
Pleated skirt, $24
Toms shoes, $54
Antique sunglasses, $35
Dorothy Perkins wrap bracelet, £13
Dorothy Perkins red belt, £5

I love to wear mine with a skirt. My little family went over to the local farmer's market last weekend to buy raspberries and this amazing cream syrup and I was super cool and comfy in my skirt and TOMS. They're awesome from making a skirt look less churchy. Also, start loading up on plaid this fall because it's gonna be big. I love the idea with plaid and a girly skirt.

Floral shirt, £24
Old Navy denim short shorts, $13
TOMS white shoes, $44
Metal Mulisha polka dot bag, $35
Mimco tahitian pearl earrings, £30

I also wear my TOMS with my bermuda shorts. Actually, I did that yesterday. It's a nice change from flip flops without being as dressy as flats. Yesterday I just did a floral tank with a boyfriend cardigan and called it a day. It was super easy and I felt like I totally blended in with the tortured teenagers shopping at Hot Topic at the mall. Just kidding.

H m cardigan, £4.99
TopShop stripe shirt, $24
Almost famous jeans, $35
Toms shoes, $44
Vintage handbag, $50
Coral jewelry, 17 AUD
1928 jewelry, $20

I've also worn my TOMS with jeans and was really happy at how casual and easy it looked. I love the idea of wearing them with bootcuts or flares and just have a little of the sequins poke out, but a more subdued pair is every bit as cute for a nautical-inspired outfit like this one. What a perfect outfit for fall shopping, lunch with friends or just generally not looking like a hobo when your husband comes home from work? This would be so cute with a patterned scarf too!

So, what do you think? Do you love TOMS or do you hate them? Remember that every time you buy a pair, they donate a pair to a child in need, which is how I reconciled the $90 price tag when I bought them. They also have super cute wedges and other types of shoes, but I think starting out with a classic TOMS is the way to go. I have my eye on their vegan wrap boots... Christmas?

I call for a vote! Let's see if there are more lovers than haters! Comment away!