Tuesday, May 7, 2013
*** This is a repost. I'm giving your babydaddy extra time this year. Just print this out and leave it on his pillow and then collect your prize on Mother's Day. Or I'll punch him in the arm and as the sister of four brothers, I have an excellent arm-punch. Check back tomorrow for some gift ideas! ***
Yesterday, I asked what my friends were wishing for on Mother's Day over on my Facebook page. I was planning on doing a post about gifts and wish lists, but I changed my mind after I saw some of the responses. Instead, I'd like to write a letter to everyone BUT moms on this mother's day.
Feel free to forward this to your significant other or adult children with my regards.
(Disclaimer: This is not directed at my own husband, who is actually quite good at Mother's Day)
Remember that time that you gestated another human being in your uterus?
Oh, you never did that? That's because you're not a mom. I feel like creating life, in and of itself, should be a reason for a "Hey, thanks for making me alive," or "Thanks for creating our children" gift come Mother's Day each year.
If that isn't enough for you, how about a "Hey, thanks for getting that baby out of your body despite the fact that both birthing options are kind of horrifying" gift?
Let's face it: Pushing a baby out of your lady business or being cracked open like an egg isn't exactly a day at Disneyland, k? It's work. In fact, sometimes they even call it labor. Not only does it hurt like a motherfletcher, it makes you feel all kinds of fat. So let's remember that.
And don't worry, I've got adoptive mothers covered too. Because it's not like taking on the responsibility of somebody else's biological child is a big deal or anything.
Still not enough for you to throw a little something together for your significant other or mom on MD? First, you're a huge jerk. Second, moms are entirely responsible for making sure that their kids are functioning members of society. Instead of golfing on the weekends or being the "fun parent," we read boring books on parenting styles and worry if our kids pick their noses too much to ever be successful. And while sometimes it's fun to shape a human being, a lot of the time it just plain sucks. Because one day, when that kid pushes another one at the playground, whose fault is it?
You guessed it, his mom.
We also get blamed for serial killers. Try that on for size.
Sure, moms get lots of hugs and kisses, but they also have to deal with a lot of crap. And exactly zero of it is like a Gerber commercial. Instead, they:
- Clean up more human feces than anyone should ever have to.
- Make dinner four times over because Becky doesn't eat meat and Dad hates salad.
- Go to work and feel guilty and ostracized by the "Mommy and Me Happy Adventures Club" that she'll never get to join.
- Keep the house mildly presentable so as not to alert CPS.
- Fish stuff out of the toilet.
- Try to get the kids to calm down at bedtime because dad decided to play a round of living room football, despite the fact that Mom has been counting down the seconds till bedtime so she can do the laundry.
- Do the laundry.
- Deal with teachers and the school system as a whole. Worry about testing scores in preschool and stress over the lunch menu and whether or not she'll be judged by not making an all-organic bento box instead of just paying for the stupid chicken nuggets.
-Make daily choices that will affect another human being's future.
- Feel guilty any time she's away from kids. That includes while using the bathroom.
- Give up all privacy rights, even when showering. Especially when showering.
- Deal with anyone and everyone who wants to voice their opinion on how she's doing her job as a parent. Thanks, stranger, but I *know* tantrums in Walmart aren't ideal.
- Find friends for play dates that aren't annoying, smelly, bratty, angry, or mucus-y. It's harder than you think.
- Be sexy. No, you try being sexy directly after using a booger sucker dealie on your congested kid. It's disgusting.
- Feel guilty because our homes aren't done up with turquoise blue DIY tables, owl accents, and handmade wreaths that are changed out for every season.
- Be an all-star photographer. Then blog all of the cute stuff kids do without ever complaining that all you want is a nap.
- Give up the idea of a full night's sleep for the next 18 years at least.
- Know that no matter what you're doing, you should be doing something else. If you're making lunch for the kids, you should be balancing your checkbook. If you're working, you should be at a soccer game. If you're staring your child right in the eyeballs to lovingly give him all of the attention he needs, you should be getting romantical with your spouse.
- Are told - ad nauseum - that we should enjoy every little moment that ever happens in the history of our motherhood. Yeah, when my kid barfs on my shirt, there's nothing I want to do more than get out the Kodak and write about it in my diary.
And then, THEN, you forget to do something nice for Mother's Day? Really? After 364 days of basic slavery to everyone but herself, the mama in your life doesn't get so much as a "Hey, thanks for doing everything for everyone ever"?
Then you sir, are a huge dillweed.
Now here's how it's going to go down: You're going to take five minutes to think about the mom in your life, whether she's the one who birthed you or the mother of your kids. And if you even try to say "But my wife isn't MY mom" I give her permission to divorce you immediately. As far as I'm concerned, your wife does as much, if not more, to feed and clothe you as your mom. Not to mention no wife wants to see her husband give expensive gifts to his mom and then forget about the mother of his kids. Because we all know your kids will bring home cute homemade presents from school, but honestly, they're crappy. Cute, but crappy. Until they start making Nordstrom gift cards at kindergarten or teaching shiatsu massage, you're going to have to step up.
After you've thought about it, you're going to act. Moms don't need huge expensive gestures on Mother's Day. Seriously, just something that says "When I thought about it, I realized that you actually DO stuff and I should recognize that and not be a complete d-bag about it."
For some, it's a card. For others, it's jewelry. For some, it's a gift card and a massage that doesn't have sexual connotations attached to it. For others, it's getting the kids out the house so that your wife can take a freakin' nap for two hours.
Look, I'm not complaining about my lot as a mom. I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for the job. And there's nothing like it in the world. But it's HARD. And it makes me CRY. And I'm tired ALL THE TIME. And sometimes, there's nothing I want in the world than to get a little thumbs up and a "Hey - you're awesome" to remind me exactly why I didn't kill my three-year-old after he threw a flashlight in the toilet. It takes more will power than you think.
There's no reason that you can't show a little respect to moms this Mother's Day. It's once a year. No one is asking for a huge festival. Just a day that doesn't completely suck.
You can handle this.
Don't be a dillweed.