Friday, March 2, 2012
There is TOO much to discuss for Freaky Friday today. If you emailed or posted Freaky Friday entries to me this week, never fear, I shall post them next week. But today, today I have to talk about The Oscars and a little about a certain actress who like to put out certain Spring shopping lists that tally up to thousands of dollars and makes me angry.
Shall we? I feel like I need to address each one of these personally. I hope all of these celebs read my site. I can only imagine that they do.
You knew I had to start with Angelina Jolie, right?
Dear Angelina Jolie (Can I call you Anglie? I feel like I can do that.)
I don't know if you remembered this, but you're ANGELINA effing JOLIE. You've been named the Most Beautiful Person in the Universe Throughout All History like, 24 times. You're married to Brad Pitt and have a cool, multicultural family. You once wore a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood around your neck.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD?
Yes, I noticed that your dress had a slit. But shoving your bony leg in everyone's direction is weird. You don't need to do that. You DO need to eat a sandwich, but you don't need to show me your slit. I KNOW.
On the bright side, your makeup looks lovely.
We would totally be friends in real life. I just know it. We could braid each other's hair and I could play with your cute black baby and you could dish about how Jesse James is actually illiterate. It would be awesome.
If we were IRL friends and I saw you try on this dress and you asked me how it looked, I'd be all "Oh honey you look like a lobster is attacking your waist and you have man shoulders" And then we'd laugh and you'd buy me a car and we'd be best friends forever.
I know you won an Oscar last year and that's a lot to live up to, especially because after Halle Berry won, she mat cinematic gems like Catwoman. I get that. But showing up to the Oscars dressed like a showgirl slash waitress is not going to snag you any auditions. Also, I don't know what's on your wrist, but when it's paired with that dress it basically looks like a calculator watch.
Dear Ms. Paltrow.
We are not friends. I am mad at you. You released your must-have shopping list for Spring and it totaled over $20,000. Not cool, man. Not cool.
First, there is a pair of elastic-waist denim shorts on your list. Really? REALLY.
Also, everything on the list is another piece of clothing with a boyfriend blazer on top. I get it, you like blazers. Not sure why we all need 72 of them, but OK.
And what planet do you live on where any of your readers have $20,000 to blow on elasticized shorts or a body con dress to "wear to work"? Here are some other things that I would rather spend $20,000 on.
1) A new car without goldfish crumbs down the middle of the seats.
2) A trip to Europe where I get mixed up with a famous debutante and have amazing adventures with my friends. Yes, that is the plot of Monte Carlo.
3) An ill-conceived night in Vegas.
4) Roughly 500 pairs of shoes.
5) The services of a baby concierge to give my next kid a cooler, more obscure name than your child's. I'm hoping something along the lines of Cantaloupe Coolmuffin.
Also, a cape at the Oscars? What are you, the most nasal-y superhero ever?
I feel like you want to sneak in everyone's houses and kill them in their sleep. I'm sure you're a lovely girl -- could I suggest a dress that's long enough next time?
I know everyone is like, drinking the Rooney KoolAid and crying over how awesome you are, but you look like Lady Gaga's sailor kid sister here. This dress would have been fine without the upside down bra.
Jenny from the Block,
QUE!? Are you talking to me?
Without the arm cutouts, this dress would be passable. What I have issue with here is the hair. I wore my hair like this to the gym today. You can do better.
After Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams, I legitimately thought you were the best dressed of the night. Green? You're awesome. Your body looks insane and the tuxedo jacket makes you look age appropriate a la Helen Mirren. Could you give a few lessons to Diane Keaton? She's still wandering around looking like Annie Hall and it's sad.
So what do you think? Want to contest me on any of these? There were so many "meh" dresses this year that it was hard to choose. Although, I'll admit that I don't care about who won or anything like that. Watching famous people pat themselves on the back is a little hard to bear, so I ended up watching The Amazing Race instead.