Freaky Friday: Shoes

Friday, February 17, 2012

I'll be the first to admit that shoes are kind of my "thing." I buy them way too often and have way too many pairs and I just don't care. My mom is a motivational speaker and she went to an engagement where she mentioned ON STAGE that her daughter had 107 pairs of shoes and she said the all-female audience audibly GASPED. Like really? Is that really gasp-worthy?

But shoes. I like how much they can change an outfit so I make it a point to spend some serious shopping budget money on them. Shoes and books are basically where all of my disposable income lands. Le sigh.

But some shoes are so bad. I know, I have some in my closet. Remember my clodhoppers from my teen years? Yeah, I still have them. I moved them from Canada to Utah for heaven's sakes. Bad shoes are so awesomely amazing that they deserve their own FF post.

Lisa sent me these flotation devices to check out. Is it me, or are these totally Clueless-era 90s? Like, I can picture myself wearing them while paging through my Seventeen magazine and making a homemade face mask out of oatmeal and rocking out to Chumbawumba. Yes, that all happened once.

OK, twice.

(Thanks, Janelle.) I don't understand people who want to get married like, while skydiving or underwater. It's WEIRD and we all know those are the weddings that always lose on Four Weddings. But I guess if you were getting married in a SCUBA suit, these would make you look more feminine? Plus, they would make a sexy "SHLOP SHLOP" noise as you walked down the dock. The honeymoon has begun!

K, not only are these shoes completely HIDEOUS, but they make the model's foot look like little hoofs. Little hippie cougar prostitute hoofs.

Betty Rubble... so hot right now.

I know I've posted some awesome Uncle Jesse denim shoes before, but these once that Leah sent take the cake. I feel like these are way more Bret Michaels than Uncle Jesse, because Uncle Jesse at least had good hair and that redeemed him. These are more like date-skanky-girls-on-unexplainable-hit-TV-show-and-end-up-with-ex-wife-ish.

These were listed as "Eskimo Clogs." Listen, I'm from Canada -- so I basically grew up in an igloo -- and I will tell you a hundred percent that this is a misnomer. For one, we call them Inuits. For two, no self-respecting Inuit would wear plaid shoes. Please.

Is it weird that I want to reach out and stroke this shoe? Is it even weirder that I might have stroked the screen instead? Did I just make you uncomfortable?

Yup, this shoe 100 percent has a tail. I'm the find of person who habitually steps on my husband's heel while we're walking around together. I would go out of my way to step on someone's shoetail. Sorry, that's just the kind of person I am.

I never want to wear a shoe that gives a person the cause to wonder if my ankles need a bit of a trim.

UGH OXFORD SHOES. Burn with fire!! Just for funsies, I was out shopping with two of my single brothers and I brought them to a wall of these shoes and demanded to know their opinions. Mostly, they just made dry heaving noises. I took that as a negative. Seriously. I hate hipster shoes.

Luckily, there are more cute shoes than there are uglies. I almost bought a pair while looking for shoes for this post but I stopped myself. And by "stopped myself" I mean "got all the way to the checkout to find out they didn't have my size."

Self control, people.


Ashley said...

I have no idea how I stumbled across your blog originally but I am so glad I did. Every time I read it, I laugh so hard that I cry. And then my husband and toddler give me weird looks...but I LOVE your posts!! We must be exactly the same age too b/c every time you post a flashback pic or memory I laugh my butt off b/c I have worn/done the exact same thing! Ha! (Clueless shoes, seventeen magazine and Chumbawumba-MEMORIES!) Anytime I need a good laugh I just come read your blog!

Sarah said...

Favorite line: "Little hippie cougar prostitute hoofs." You are so funny!

Jae said...

Hahaha Ashley, I am SO a child of the 90s when it comes to that stuff. I should have added "While putting my hair in butterfly clips."

Sarah, I can't lie, when I see bad fashion my brain gets a mind of its own. You should hear me talking to myself while watching TV.

OOAK babies by Mina said...

No Hunny, not Eskimo clogs, more like lama clogs. Give those suckers a cute pushed in nose and you're ready to go

Leah Elzinga said...

the best part of those denim shoes was that they were "pinned" by some hipster to a board named "summer fun". Also, butterfly clips. We and my girls have a plan to host a "Dress Like your Teenage Self" party. Can. Not. Wait. It'll be me in a backless shirt and my hair in butterfly clips with freaking twists. Oh, and probably a metric tonne (yeah, I just spelled it like that) of body glitter. Maybe a faux eyebrow ring.

Lauren said...

How many of your shoes do you wear in a month? Or in a year? Are they mostly special occasion shoes or everyday? Oh my gosh, and where do you keep them all?

I'm not a shoe girl but now that I think of it, I might be that way about kitchen gadgets. I have a lot more of those than I have shoes.

Morgan -Ing said...

That's not just a tail, it's a RABBIT FOOT. Good luck, yo,

Bethany Carpenter said...

Phew! im glad to know im not the only one whose mother thinks that having over 100 prs of shoes is a reason to seek professional help! lol I think i have around 125 pairs, but that is including my goodwill donation box of shoes i havent quite been able to part with ; )

Jae said...

Leah, I just exploded from awesomeness. BODY GLITTER!!

Lauren, my hubs built me some shoe shelves in my closet, thank heavens. I wear A LOT of shoes per month and they're mostly pumps, flats and boots. I only own two pairs of shoes that actually have laces... is that weird? lol.

Everybody has to have a hobby, right?

Bri Rios said...

Omg. THANK YOU. I freaking hate hipster shoes too. I was starting to think I was on the only one feeling that!!! I'm your newest follower and think you are hilarious :)

Ashley Smith said...

I was in Toronto this weekend shopping with my mumma and my aunt. The Bay had this awesome sale where everything was 80% off. heaven.

I am currently in negotiations with the hubby for more shoe storage. wish me luck.


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