Friday, August 5, 2011
This post was made possible by fan Valerie, who sent me a horrendous link to a dress and inspired an entire post dedicated to sexiness failure.
There's a fine line between looking sexy and looking like a sad porn star. Unfortunately, that line is crossed daily in clubs and grocery stores across North America. When I was younger, my brothers and I were obsessed with a Canadian talk show called Jenny Jones. Now, Jenny Jones only ever had two topics on her shows. 1) From Geek to Chic, where nerds from high school dressed like hookers and came back to prove to past bullies how cool they were, and 2) My Mom Dresses Too Sexy, where 40-somethings showed video of themselves grocery shopping in spandex and then came on stage wearing nipple pasties.
(Yes, I'd like to know why my mom let us watch this too.)
It was some quality program. Please don't dress like this. It embarrassed your kids and launches me into lengthy musings about Canadian talk show hosts.
I actually think this would be fantastic for my next pregnancy (and then we laughed and laughed.) Everyone always wants to feel up my belly anyway, why not make it easier?
Quite possibly the ugliest shoe I've ever had on this blog. Not only does it look smelly, but it smells smelly.
Saddest styling ever. Oh hey, looks at this cut out leather top. What should I wear it with? Nursing scrubs? YES!
But if I don't wear thong-pants no one will see my trashy flower hip tattoo!
Saddest attempt at sexiness ever. "Here. These are my shoulders and stuff."
This is not a dress. It is a cupcake liner.
Ohhhhh yeah SEXY JUMPSUITS! Love that diaper bum!
Best for your next gynecologist appointment. You probably won't even have to wear the paper gown. "Here, why don't you put -- you know what? You're fine. The doctor will be here in a moment."
This is the dress Valerie sent me. I'm going back and forth between thinking it looks like eyebrows and thinking it loos like a smiling anime character. Either way, it's handy for nursing.
This dress is for when you want easy access to gross everyone out with your c-section scar. Preferably at a dinner party. Or PTA.
The sad truth is that some items of clothing, on a mother, always look sad and desperate. Avoid the following:
Latex as a fabric.
Cutouts near your belly, boobs and butt. Actually, cutouts anywhere.
Anything shorter than where you normally shave to.
Anything that makes you look like you make money with your body, you might smell funny or like you might have a sketchy disease.
That should be easy enough, right?