Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'd be lying if I said I didn't get the inspiration for this post while at the pool. So thank you, ill-fitting swimsuit wearers of the world!
I always say I'd like to write a book for what REALLY to expect after your pregnancies. Like, after all of the baby care business and all that, I'd like to write something that had two chapters dedicated to the following subjects:
1) Your bum will never look the same.
2) Trampolines will make you pee.
Instant bestseller right?
But seriously, what is it about pregnancy that is a total bum ruiner? It's like you lose all this baby weight and are rewarded with a pancake for a butt. It's depressing and droopy and it makes me sad. While I can't do anything about the state of your actual butt, I do know how to make it look perky and young in a really good pair of jeans.
On the bright side, a pancake bum is usually skinny and it means you've done an awesome job at losing the baby weight and you should be proud of that. So definitely look for clothes that show off your awesomeness and makes Sir Mix-a-Lot swoon. Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about the time I was grooving to Baby Got Back at full blast and my father in law came down to talk to me about something? I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying because I was trying to detract from hearing all about Sir Mix-a-Lot's anaconda. It was embarrassing.
ANYWAY, I'll give you some ideas on how to fight the evil attack of the mom bum!
Jane Norman bohemian style top, £30
Old navy, $40
Not Rated beach sandals, $50
Clutch bag, $25
Zara feather jewelry, $9.90
Trousers are the BEST when your bum lacks overall volume and shape. The fact that they're a bit higher waisted gives you the illusion of a rounder bum. Low rise jeans are not your friend and also, you're not 16. Trousers also hug your bum and then usually fall straight to the ground, so you see the best part and everything is camouflaged. YAY! Look for tab pockets that sit higher in the tush to detract from a lengthy bum. I bet you never thought you'd be worrying about your lengthy bum, but there it is. Also, adding definition at the waist and then wearing a shirt that offers a little coverage makes everything look super balanced. Plus, I love the 70s and wish I could dress like Farrah Fawcett every day. You can too!
Black top, $23
Shirt top, $15
Linen skirt, £18
Betsey Johnson crystal earrings, $35
Waist belt, £15
Canvas bow jute wedge, $30
When wearing skirts and dresses, a-line is your friends. While I totally have no problem with anyone wearing a great pencil skirt, you might be self-conscious about putting so much of the goods on display. If you want to try a pencil skirt, I recommend doing one with a cardigan for some coverage. Otherwise, a supercute flirty a-line floats away from the body, making your waist look teensy and your butt less of the main event and more of a supporting factor. Awesome if you're looking for more modesty.
Hollister co, $50
Old navy shoes, $3.50
Satchel bag, $45
Beading necklace, $15
The pockets on your jeans are going to make a huge difference in how your butt looks in pants. Always, always, always look at your butt when trying jeans on. Always look for pockets that are in proportion with the caboose. Tiny pockets are going to look ridiculous on this large, flat expanse of fabric. If you really want to get extra credit, look for flap pockets or rhinestones to round out the back a little more fully. These jeans are especially helpful because of the fading. They'll make everything look perkier, but BE CAREFUL. Too much fading can be trashy and gross. I want this outfit immediately.
Now this is where I should wax poetic about how my kids have changed my body and how they were worth everything but sometimes it's like THANKS A LOT, GO TO BED. While I'm big on self-love, I'm also big on recognizing flaws and knowing how to dress them so yo feel more confident. Mom bum doesn't have to be a life sentence. Some cute jeans and you'll have a moneymaker that makes you look like, one of those rap guys girlfriends.
Even white boys have to shout.