Friday, April 1, 2011
My aunt in Canada sent me a link to weird baby products and I laughed SO HARD. And while some of them can't actually be considered fashion, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Plus, some of them have to do with baby fashion which I take very seriously. For instance, it bugs me when babies legs aren't covered. I know that is neurotic.
Anyway, I always say that I hate most parents. That doesn't mean ALL parents, just the stupid-baby-naming, overbearing, spend-too-much-on-dumb-products, look-at-my-child-shes-gifted variety. I like the way I was raised: my parents just turned us loose in the backyard and told us to come in when it was dark. We certainly didn't have any of this stuff:
Baby contrast top, to aid in eye development. You know what else aids in your child's development? Going outside. That way you get fresh air and you don't look like the frumpiest mom at NASCAR.
Ooh, the wrist handkerchief. Otherwise known as MY SLEEVE.
Anybody want some sperm earrings? Anyone?
I like the stylish ones.
I actually think this is the most brilliant idea of all time and must buy one immediately. It's a ride-on vacuum cleaner. Hooray for child labor!!
Story time! So, during my second pregnancy I had to have three ultrasounds per week from 24 weeks until 34 weeks, when I delivered. Do you have any idea how proficient I became at reading ultrasounds? Like, the tech would start doing measurements and I would be like yes, yes that's the profile and there's the largest fluid pockets and get on with it I have a busy schedule of watching The View in my hospital room. Moral of the story? I never want to see another ultrasound EVER AGAIN. Much less on cufflinks. Like... your baby looks like a sea monkey on the screen. Here! Let's make it a tiny sea money and show everyone obnoxiously!
The breastfeeding simulator. The only thing more awkward to me than nursing in public would be PRETENDING to nurse in public.
(I said FOR ME. I don't care if anyone else nurses in public. Free show!)
This seems safe.
These are called the Morning Chicness bags. Barf in style. I think I just came up with their new slogan!
Here Billy, hold still while the cat vomits on your toothbrush.
Also, I would like to know if the cat heaves and hacks for like 3 hours before spitting out onto the toothbrush. Because that would be very realistic.
The placenta brooch, from none other than ETSY! You keep it in your freezer, blend it into a smoothie and bury it in your backyard for the neighborhood dogs to find.... why not wear it on your shirt, too?
The scent of squishy, salty dough gets me in the mood.
Hey, I'm no potty training expert. But I feel, in general, that if your child is old enough to fetch supplies and climb surprisingly steep stairs to get to the changing table, he may be ready to not poop in his pants anymore.
Look. I travel with my kids all the time. I know how awkward it can be. But taking 10 minutes to wrestle your baby into a harness so you can HANG HER ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM WALL is not the answer. Someone WILL call Child Protective Services.
Note that these are not the helmets made for cranial adjustment. These are simply for overprotective parents. Please, my son fell on his head like 90 times a day when he started walking. He seems fine now. Ish.
But seriously. Way to put your child on the fast track to being the "special" kid on the playground.
Likewise to the kneepads. Your baby is not a carpet layer.
Ugh, don't you hate when your kid has to pee in the car? Just pass back this glorified water bottle (don't get it mixed up with your actual water bottle!) and then drive around town with urine sloshing around in a cup. Yum!
This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.
On the bright side, hey! Matching kneepads!
K, so both of my kids were born with Fraggle-like hair, so I don't understand. Moms of bald babies, is it really that shameful? Is it really better to give your child a weave? Homegirl looks like she's spend one too many afternoons in the beauty shop with Shaniqua and the gang.
And that concludes why I hate other parents. Because there is even a market for ANY of these products.
Excuse me, I'm going to fake breastfeed my five year old now.