Freaky Friday: Why I Hate Other Parents

Friday, April 1, 2011

My aunt in Canada sent me a link to weird baby products and I laughed SO HARD. And while some of them can't actually be considered fashion, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Plus, some of them have to do with baby fashion which I take very seriously. For instance, it bugs me when babies legs aren't covered. I know that is neurotic.

Anyway, I always say that I hate most parents. That doesn't mean ALL parents, just the stupid-baby-naming, overbearing, spend-too-much-on-dumb-products, look-at-my-child-shes-gifted variety. I like the way I was raised: my parents just turned us loose in the backyard and told us to come in when it was dark. We certainly didn't have any of this stuff:


Baby contrast top, to aid in eye development. You know what else aids in your child's development? Going outside. That way you get fresh air and you don't look like the frumpiest mom at NASCAR.


Ooh, the wrist handkerchief. Otherwise known as MY SLEEVE.



Anybody want some sperm earrings? Anyone?

Crickets.

I like the stylish ones.


I actually think this is the most brilliant idea of all time and must buy one immediately. It's a ride-on vacuum cleaner. Hooray for child labor!!

Story time! So, during my second pregnancy I had to have three ultrasounds per week from 24 weeks until 34 weeks, when I delivered. Do you have any idea how proficient I became at reading ultrasounds? Like, the tech would start doing measurements and I would be like yes, yes that's the profile and there's the largest fluid pockets and get on with it I have a busy schedule of watching The View in my hospital room. Moral of the story? I never want to see another ultrasound EVER AGAIN. Much less on cufflinks. Like... your baby looks like a sea monkey on the screen. Here! Let's make it a tiny sea money and show everyone obnoxiously!


The breastfeeding simulator. The only thing more awkward to me than nursing in public would be PRETENDING to nurse in public.

(I said FOR ME. I don't care if anyone else nurses in public. Free show!)


This seems safe.


These are called the Morning Chicness bags. Barf in style. I think I just came up with their new slogan!


Here Billy, hold still while the cat vomits on your toothbrush.

Also, I would like to know if the cat heaves and hacks for like 3 hours before spitting out onto the toothbrush. Because that would be very realistic.


The placenta brooch, from none other than ETSY! You keep it in your freezer, blend it into a smoothie and bury it in your backyard for the neighborhood dogs to find.... why not wear it on your shirt, too?


The scent of squishy, salty dough gets me in the mood.


Hey, I'm no potty training expert. But I feel, in general, that if your child is old enough to fetch supplies and climb surprisingly steep stairs to get to the changing table, he may be ready to not poop in his pants anymore.


Look. I travel with my kids all the time. I know how awkward it can be. But taking 10 minutes to wrestle your baby into a harness so you can HANG HER ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM WALL is not the answer. Someone WILL call Child Protective Services.


Note that these are not the helmets made for cranial adjustment. These are simply for overprotective parents. Please, my son fell on his head like 90 times a day when he started walking. He seems fine now. Ish.

But seriously. Way to put your child on the fast track to being the "special" kid on the playground.


Likewise to the kneepads. Your baby is not a carpet layer.


Ugh, don't you hate when your kid has to pee in the car? Just pass back this glorified water bottle (don't get it mixed up with your actual water bottle!) and then drive around town with urine sloshing around in a cup. Yum!


This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.

On the bright side, hey! Matching kneepads!

K, so both of my kids were born with Fraggle-like hair, so I don't understand. Moms of bald babies, is it really that shameful? Is it really better to give your child a weave? Homegirl looks like she's spend one too many afternoons in the beauty shop with Shaniqua and the gang.


And that concludes why I hate other parents. Because there is even a market for ANY of these products.

Excuse me, I'm going to fake breastfeed my five year old now.

36 comments:

Avi said...

WOW... Some kid items out there! ha ha. Great post!

Emily said...

Oh Lawdy. I laughed for a good 10 minutes over the hanging the baby over the stall one. And the baby toupee thing. They have headbands with pig tails on them too. I mean, I have boys, so I don't get the whole 'my little girl doesn't look like a girl" boo hoo-ness, but really?

Jae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jae said...

lol Emily, I never even had my daughter wear so much as a headband as a baby. The pink girls dress would be enough to flag her as female, thanks.

Anthony said...

I wonder if the urine cup is actually horrible parents who are worried their kids aren't drinking enough fluids. Did you notice the measurements on the side?

Anonymous said...

The dad-saddle thing is incredibly dangerous, actually. See the kid's feet in the stirrups? If (when) he falls backwards, his feet are going to get caught. He could easily end up with a broken foot, or a broken head if the stirrups make him flip instead of slide off the dad.
That's why, when you are riding real horses, the stirrups are stiff (no pinching your feet), you wear boots with some heel (no slipping through the stirrups), and you are taught to keep only the tip of your foot in the stirrup, and your heels down (so they slip out easily).

Jae said...

Plus dads aren't horses.

Jae said...

PS Anthony, the measurement lines lead me to believe that whoever invented the pee pee cup is the laziest inventor ever. He is not even trying to disguise the fact that he just slapped some vinyl lettering on a regular water bottle. LAZY.

Jenna said...

Yeah, I hate those dumb baby wigs!

You're hysterical!

Pearls said...

Oh my gosh, that was an awesome way to start mt day! Good laughs - if I EVER see someone with any of those things I will have to laugh out loud and no one around me will know why... unless they find it as ridiculous as I do. Keep it up! I love it!

Alicia said...

(sorry, logged into the wrong account!) Oh my gosh, that was an awesome way to start mt day! Good laughs - if I EVER see someone with any of those things I will have to laugh out loud and no one around me will know why... unless they find it as ridiculous as I do. Keep it up! I love it!

Carolyn said...

Hahahahah, oh my gosh. Hilarious.

MissSubsituteTeacher said...

Those are amazingly hilarious. I particularly like the baby toupee. I was bald until I was like 2 myself - I can only imagine how screwed up I'd be in my mom had put me in one of those things lol.

Anonymous said...

Oh, good laugh, thank you. especially the daddy saddle, my little guy would love it. Big guy, not so much.

The breastfeeding simulator, though...that one's for real. Lactation consultants use it especially for premie kids struggling with latch. And not to be a killjoy but those moms have enough problems without being laughed at too. They know it looks ridiculous.

Jae said...

No worries. The devices used for teaching preemies aren't like that one at all. Usually it's a reservoir of milk that is fed through a tub placed over the mom's milk-makers so the baby learns to latch properly. I used one with my preemie :) The one on the blog is for those who don't breastfeed but want the experience (also for men)lol. They wouldn't use that for preemies because it would be serious nipple confusion.

Plus... it's creepy.

Misty said...

I'm getting you the sperm earrings for Christmas. So you have that to look forward to. ;)

Jae said...

Misty, I guess I won't buy them for myself then. SCORE!

PS: I'm getting you this uterus pillow. We are so sweet.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/9026544/uterus-pillow

Julie said...

Great my daughter totally wants the "kitty toothpaste" now.

Marisa said...

I laughed almost as hard as I did at the iphone autocorrect messages; if your blog isn't making you a lot of money, it should be. I can never unsubscribe to your blog because it's both funny AND useful :)

Jae said...

Marisa, speaking of bad iPhone autocorrect, I was talking to a friend the other day on my phone and he said something about my mom... I typed in that she would be appalled and it came out as SPANKED. As in my mom would be spanked. KILL ME.

Jespren said...

Ok, that was way worth the link jump from Free Range Kids, totally cracked me up. Did want to say though that both my kids would have climbed up those stairs on the changing table by 8 months so...of course, where are you supposed to put something like that where it can be easily used AND doesn't create a high-rise fall issue for your little one everytime your back is turned? Definately stupid. I just about woke both my kids up laughing at the 'hang the baby on the door' harness. Oh my that's priceless!

Leanne (Ironic Mom) said...

How have I never seen your blog before? I. Love. You.

Word verification = disets. (Anyone? Maybe a new fangled soother that looks like a mother's breast when she has mastitis?)

Jen.Jensen said...

OMG. This stuff is ridiculous. Thanks for the laugh!

mejaka said...

Jae! I laughed for real! Hysterical, and I totally agree.

Except the toothpaste thing. MUST find one of those. For my teenboy. Because he will die laughing every time he uses it, just like the bleeding-fangs vampire ketchup lid and the barfing-green-guy mustard lid I bought...

Brittney said...

i canNOT stop laughing. but i should probably be crying that, like you said, there's even a market. the cat vomit? the stairs-to-changing table? the fake breastfeed? holy smokes. every single thing (and your commentary, my dear) was hilarious. repeat: hi.lar.i.ous. thanks for my week's gut-laugh.
-brittney
http://adayinlifetoo.blogspot.com (my daily outfit blog; come on by. i'm a mom. you might hate me, but i can safely guarantee you no sightings of pee-pee water bottles on my blog, so that's got to be good for something. right? right.)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

One thing to note, as most people wouldn't know this...the helmet is advertised as head gear for the average toddler, but it's really parents with special needs children who are buying it, especially for epilepsy. It's a MUCH better alternative, for a lot of regular kids who happen to suffer from seizures, than having to wear a hockey helmet, or other limited and hideous option, everyday.

Anonymous said...

The stairs to change table is mostly sold to daycares, for in the toddler room, so that the poor ECE's don't have to kill their backs lifting toddlers.

s said...

I'm with you on the ultrasound thing. I now have a physical reaction where I start to get sick when they start one, whenever people whine about not getting "enough" u/s I want to bop them on the head. The sperm earrings are hilarious and the shirt is awful.

Anonymous said...

Still laughing about the cat vommitting on your toothbrush! Hilarious!

mdcazy said...

Today is my first time visitig your site. Seriously made my day. Not only did i laugh hysterically (while my co-workers stared at me like i lost my mind) but i think i peed my pants when i got to the hanging harness on the wall. Great blog lady, i'm a new fan!

Finding My Way Softly said...

I may not ever be allowed back, but when I had 9 month old twins I would have bought two of the harnesses do I could use a public bathroom. I literally had to take a friend or husband with me if it was going to be more than an hour. I also would have loved it when I was changing one diaper do the other one didn't run out the door!

Julia

Anonymous said...

Booo.. .Pretty sure the ideas for this post were ripped from your blog. bummer

http://www.parenting.com/gallery/weird-baby-products?view=home&pnid=257304#comments

Jae said...

Meh, it's OK. Mine was funnier.

PS at first I thought you were saying that I got my material from Parenting and I was all "Oh no she didn't" but then I realized you were being supportive and I was like "Well that's nice."

= why I need to read things more than once online.

Cori said...

The day care I worked at had changing tables with ladders in both toddler rooms. Believe me, I was grateful to not have to lift 40 lb toddlers onto the table while I was huge and pregnant. Plus, some of the providers were older ladies. We rarely had issues with the kids trying to climb the steps.

Jason Scholten said...

On the pee pee bottle, I am assuming that none of you live in a place where public bathrooms are almost impossible to find, or have lived in another country where bathrooms are not readily available OR have taken a child outdoors where there is no bathroom. I would MUCH rather my kid pee into a bottle that to risk peeing all over their clothing and/or shoes.

Jae said...

Yes... but is the special pee bottle really necessary? Something tells me *any* bottle would work, even if it didn't proclaim itself as a pee bottle.

Also, this post from two years ago has essentially turned into the "parents who own this stuff come in and defend themselves" post. So keep on keepin' on.

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