Friday, January 7, 2011
Sooo I had to point out all of the crappy fashion we've had in the last year. Sometimes I sit down to read my Glamour magazine and then they promise me that harem pants are one of the year's most wearable styles and I want to punch a cat. WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS? It's annoying. And the worst part is they're $1,400. Welcome to the real world, where people wear pants not worn by a sultan's brothel.
That was a tangent. I know. I just really hate when that happens. How about an in depth look on normal clothes one in a while, fashion and lifestyle magazines? Just once I'd like a column about sensible heels and how to accessorize a t-shirt.
But alas, we were still fairly pelted with poor fashion choices, and I finally get to make fun of them today. Oh, I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this. And by whole life, I mean since Wednesday.
Oh culottes! Half short, half skirt, YOU PERPLEX ME. I will say that I had a pair when I was six, and I thought they were the coolest because my mom would let me wear them to church and then I was all rebellious. Then I turned seven and I was like, so over it.
How about Ed Hardy on EVERYTHING. It's totally fine, if you want to look like Satan barfed on your clothes.
Also, I'd like to point out that I went to the beauty supply store in the mall to buy my gargantuan bottle of Big Sexy Hair Spray Mousse and I got stuck behind a guy who was deciding which Ed Hardy hair dryer to get his wife for Christmas. Like, seriously guy. You can be a d-bag, but don't drag your wife's hair into this.
Asymmetrical anything. It will NEVER be OK with me. Remember when January Jones turned up at the Golden Globes or whatever in that blue dress and everyone was like "OH! So avant garde!" And I was like please, it looks like they ran out of time to finish the thing. Also, she was terrible on SNL so I have no respect for her.
FRINGE. The website where I get a lot of my Freaky Friday material (which shall remain nameless) is always taunting me with fringe as the "Editor's Pick." Why would a floral tank top ever need fringe? A formal biker wedding?
Droopy crotch pants. Because you have something to hide.
And while we're at it, K-DASH. Enough with the harem pants. PLEASE. Normal girls see you wearing them and think they can pull them off. You look paunchy. So will they.
Scary ankle boots. Extra points if they're open toed. And laced. And nude.
Dressing like you're on the American Olympic gymnastics team. Unless you're winning gold or needing attention in order to sell records *cough*Gaga*cough* this is not for you. No one should be that well acquainted with your ladyparts grooming habits besides your man and your gynecologist.
Bodysuits. I don't care what you say, they are basically footie pajamas. Also, remember that one time I tried one on at Forever 21 like an idiot? I am so embarrassing.
Sherpa clogs! This shoe has no purpose. It's too short to wear as a boot and too hideous to wear as a heel. Avoid! Or wear in Denmark where I assume they actually have use for clogs.
Cheers to a prettier 2011!