Friday, March 26, 2010
If you've never been to the blog before, you may be confused that I am writing a post on how to dress for family pictures with Lady Gaga. (You might want to check out the posts labeled "My rivalry with Lady Gaga". She and I have been at odds for a while now.) As most of my readers already know, I have a deep-rooted annoyance for her. While I find her songs catchy, I find her indulgent and confusing, and I generally think her dressing like a weird whackadoo is a bigger contributor to her success than her nonsensical albeit catchy music. I heard her say in an interview that the last thing teenage girls need is another pop singer writing naked in the sand, but somehow a pop singer danging with nipple tassels and a g-string in a jail is better? Like whatever, dress like a crazy person, but acknowledge that it's the only reason anyone is interested.
Oh, and if you are a Gaga lover, don't fear. I do like the music and you will fully here me singing along with "Telephone". But before you tell me she's an artist, look up the lyrics to all of her songs. So deep.
Also, don't come here and try to defend her fashion choices. Unless you are willing to go to a party with a bejeweled lobster on your head, I won't listen to you. It's not real life. And this is How Not to Dress Like a Mom; not, How Not to Dress Like a Functioning Person in Society. Wrong website.
My friend Sara gave me the idea to do a post about dressing Lady Gaga for her own family pictures, but since I can only assume she was hatched from a pod, I don't think she has family. Either that or they are now annoyed at her and don't want her to come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as a sexy bikini turkey with gemstone wings and a beak made of real giblets. (Dressing as a pilgrim would have been too literal.)
But, if for some reason the Gaga shows up at YOUR house for family pictures, use this Freaky Friday post to know what to wear so she doesn't look out of place
Of course, you'll need a $800 fabric crown to show everyone the ridiculous things you spend your money on when there are people starving in Haiti. And who wouldn't want to wear a fabric crown as a hat? I think my husband will love it.
A parasol for no reason, indoors. I actually think that this parasol is the most adorable thing of life. To really Gaga it up, pour some blood on it and wear it as an accessory. ("I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat." Anyone??)
Definitely wear some creepy open toed stud boots that for some reason, remind me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Extra points if they are knee high.
Don't you dare even think about wearing pants! FOR SHAME. Shiny vinyl bodysuits make your bajingo smile. Ask Gaga; we've had more than enough opportunities to see her happy lady parts. She must be doing something right!
Use these futuristic glasses when you don't think Kanye West's shutter glasses douch-ey enough.
And of course, don't forget to finish the whole ensemble with a hair bow. Because if there's anything living with a short haired boxer-rottweiler mix has taught me, it's that EVERYTHING looks better when covered in hair.
Carry a gold teacup the entire time. It ups the "artistic nature" of the picture. I think. I don't know.
As a demonstration, here is a picture of my family with Lady Gaga. I think she fits in really nice and we definitely look just the right balance of coordinated and stupid.
Guess what? Photoshopping with Gaga is fun. Let's do it again sometime.