Friday, January 15, 2010
On a forum I frequent the other day, a friend pointed me toward a growing and DISTURBING trend across the Interwebs lately.
Yeah, no. I will never be one of those people who can use anatomically correct terms in every day conversation. Much like my 16 year old self, they will cause me to giggle like a child. So you get my favorite creative terms for the lady portions of your body.
Anyway, I was all set to post tons of pics of scary chocha jewelry, buttons, EARRINGS, t-shirts and underwear omg and all the rest of it, when I was like, wait a second. My BROTHERS read this blog. And I cannot ever speak to them ever again if I know that they happened across scary va-jay-jay pics on my website. DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME! So I'll give you a little push in the right direction, and whatever you find, you find.
K, so on the topic of ladyparts pendants and such, I get it. I get that you are all "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and want to roar and vote and all of that business. Hey, you've probably had a baby and really respect what your body can do. But, unless you have an extremely mannish haircut AND unisex name like Alex, most people will know that you are a female simply by looking. If the only way to tell your gender is to flash your ladybits, then you have bigger problems than I can fix here. I don't understand why a nice lip gloss can't do the same thing. Still makes you feel like a lady, and doesn't scare children.
Not to mention, do you really want the awkward moment that ensues when a nice old man compliments your "flower necklace" and you have to point out that it's actually an artful sculpture of your business? No. It would be horrifying for both of you. Unless you're one of those weird fertility-esque tree huggers who is all about the prowess of femininity and the goddess of making people feel uncomfortable. In which case, you love smacking people upside the head with your kooky slash disgusting love of your coochie, and you delight in informing people about your body and are obviously not my friend.
So, next time you're looking for a way to play up your girlyness, try a lacy cardigan, a Mary Jane shoe perhaps. I don't want to see your delicates hanging from your earlobes.
Okay... obviously not safe for work, or children, or husbands or anyone that could possibly be in the room with you, but I give you Etsy's premiere seller of jewelry that makes me want to avert my eyes and dip my entire body in Lysol Disinfecting Spray.
Also, because I couldn't help posting just one picture, I give you....
The uterus pillow.
Nothing comforts me more than reverting back to the soft warmth I felt in the womb. How do you explain that to people at your dinner party? "What, that? Oh, it's just my uterus pillow. UTERUS PILLOW. As in ovaries, fallopian tubes, etc? Who's up for some deviled eggs?"
Although, I do like the idea of a big fluffy uterus pillow at the OB's office. "K, recline, place your feet in the stirrups and your head on the smiling uterus there. Atta girl."
Moral of the story: Hey! Kooky crafty vag lovers! Fashion is a sacred thing. Leave it alone and stick to fertility vases.
PS A whole post on genitalia and I didn't ONCE have to use the real name. YESSSS. Score two points for me and the issues that my children will have as adults. Woop! Woop!