Friday, November 13, 2009
So you know those days that you wake up in the morning and try and get dressed and intead you're just like "OMG I'M SO FAT AND DEPRESSED AND GOING TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP WHILE EATING BEN AND JERRY'S HALF BAKED ICE CREAM"? Not that I've ever been there, but I *hear* some women feel like that. *cough* Plus, I prefer Cherry Garcia.
ANYWAYS, I was recently reading one of my girly magazines (not THAT kind of girly magazine, get your mind out of the gutter) and there was an interesting experiment where they took this one girl, and her photograph herself in a bathing suit everyday, and write how she felt that day. Some days she was like "Hey, I feel HOT today, look at me and bad self", and then some days she would be like "Hideous cow lady! I'm going to go hang myself with a rope made of Twinkie wrappers!" But the pictures and weight recordings documented that she never changed. Ever. It was basically proving that "fat days", or days where you feel HUGE don't actually exist.
When I was in school, my friends and I would refer to these days as "F-U" days, which were Fat and Ugly days. HOW AWFUL IS THAT? As in "Omg, you guys. I am having a total F-U day. Can we go to the gym after class?" On F-U days you would show up to school with your hair in a pony, wearing your glasses and scrubs your mom brought home from her last hospital stay from a bout with appendicitis. It was gross, but we totally allowed our crappy day that we felt bad about ourselves show not only in our heads, but in our outward appearances. Then everyone KNEW that you were having a fat day.
It's kind of like those days that you don't like what you see in the mirror, so you throw on your husbands sweatshirt, his GROSS gym shorts and shuffle to the grocery store because you feel so bad about yourself that particular day, that you don't even feel like trying. But the worst part is, it's not like you're helping the situation. You go off looking like a slob, and then you do look gross and sloppy to everyone else, like my on my F-U days.
So, the best remedy for a day where you feel fat is to actually get dressed. But don't just get dressed in anything, but a patented formula that will a) make you feel better, and b) make you not look like a chubby housewife. It's my little concealing secret that I use (I really need to stop giving away my secrets here) to fool people into thinking I look put together, and still allowing me to hide in my clothes until I don't feel like Homer Simpson anymore.
First, get a non-tight top. I like ones that are tight in the bodice and then loosey goosey in the rest of the shirt. That way you can fall back on your redeeming BOOBS even if you feel like the rest of you is gross. Love this one from Charlotte Russe.
Then, pair it with your comfiest everyday jeans. This is NOT the time to try and wiggle into your skinny jeans or even your dark date night ones. Just to a comfy, medium wash that you can live with even when you feel fat.
(Sliver @ Nordstrom)
Okay, here's the most important part of the fat day outfit. A BLAZER. If you don't have a plain, black blazer, get one immediately. You can throw it over anything and look instantly put together, and most importantly, slimmed down. This one from Old Navy is adorable and cheap!
Pop that on over your shirt and all of a sudden you have an outfit. All that's left are some cutie flats like these ones by Michael Kors that aren't fussy and are comfier than most sneakers:
Throw on a big bag. Remember when we talked about your body being proportionate to the bag that you carry? Well, on fat days all bets are off. Just trust me on this one. Get a big bag so you're not feeling all exposed. (ShopSuey Boutique)
Finally, if you want (and yes, you DO want) pin something cute on your blazer as the only accessory. I love love love this pin from this awesome Vie Moderne Etsy Shop .
Bahh dying of cuteness right now. I want it for Christmas. Anyone? It's actually a hair pin, but alligator clips work easily on blazer lapels too and give the outfit just a little more interest. Also, putting a pop of color near your face will help you look a little more awake and alive, even if you just feel like being in bed and eating Fritos while watching America's Test Kitchen for the rest of your life.
And voila, you are fat no more. And as an added bonus, even if you still feel fat, you have so many layers of clothes that you're the only one who is going to notice.
Let's not advertise our F-U days to the world, okay? It's depressing.