Thursday, June 4, 2009
K, I have to interrupt our usual commentary on what to wear for a brief, open letter to Lady Gaga, who continues to ruin my life by purposely looking unattractive.
Dear Lady Gaga; (who's real name is Stefani, so lets just get that out of the way)
I have long and silently endured your assault on the fashion industry. When you were sporting the infamous bow made out of HAIR I didn't say anything. When you strolled in around in a flesh colored bodysuit, I kept my mouth shut. BUY OH MY GOSH you are driving me crazy. While I actually do enjoy your music, I find you to be pretentious and kind of douche-baggy, what with your talk about your "art" and how you plan to change the way we hear and experience music.
Lets get something straight; you are a POP artist. You are not the Beatles. You are not Coldplay. Right now, you're not even the Spice Girls yet. You are a random pop artist who's had three hits and suddenly has a ginormous head, which you choose to clothe in HAIR BOWS.
But that's beside the point. My real beef with you is this: Are you allergic to looking attractive, or what? I don't even care if you want to be avante garde with your fashion choices, you just continually make yourself ugly for reasons I don't quite understand. Observe:
Remember when you were a normal girl? And you had pretty hair? And didn't dress like an idiot?
Then you got famous and decided that you were way too remarkable to dress like a mere mortal. So you started dressing like Queen Amidala.
Really? Blunt bangs AND oversized sunglasses AND a shirtless hood AND giant sleeves? Really? I'd say that you are wearing everything but the kitchen sink, but unfortunately you forgot PANTS.
Which is a recurring theme.
K, so enlighten me: When did pants become the enemy?
And then there was the American Idol debacle where you wore a zipper. Over your eye. Like a pirate. So I get it. You're too cool for pants, but not too cool to perform on the MOST COMMERCIAL show on television. I get it. Cool. Fight the power, Lady.
I was willing to overlook all of your smugness and all of your terrible, terrible fashion choices because whatever, I like Poker Face. But then Rolling Stone came out and I couldn't take it anymore.
OH MY GOSH YOU ARE DRESSED IN A NUDE BODYSUIT WITH BUBBLES GLUED TO IT.
And you PERFORMED in this outfit later, causing me to believe you condone this or thought it was acceptable in some way. It's not. You look ugly. And since you're not an ugly girl, I can't imagine why you would do such a thing. In this picture you looked like a cracked out Courtney Love, who is cracked out all the time so lets just say Courtney Love; the cracked out goes without saying. THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. No one wants to look like the failed rocker wife of a rock legend who committed suicide.
I'm just saying. You're a pretty girl. I like your music. How about you stop concentrating so hard on your "image" and stop running your mouth about how you're bisexual and an artist unlike no other and just shut up and sing?
And for pete's sake, buy a freakin' pair of jeans.