What I Don't Want You to Wear

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

K, I know it can be confusing. We see new trends rolling out 24/7 and wonder to ourselves, "Hm, I really like that. I wonder if it would work on me!" Again, I like to say to not worry too much about trends. Once you've worked out a personal style, you can add and subtract trendy pieces each season and still look like your classy self. Problem is, what trends are for you? I can guarantee that our favourite designers are not sitting in their workspaces thinking, "Gee I wonder what I can create for the sophisticated mom-on-the-go, who has exactly 3 minutes to get ready in the morning, who a or may not be accessorizing with baby barf today?" So you need to be choosy about what trends you participate in. You could totally end up looking a) weird b) old or c) both.

Again, I will also say that my personal rule on trends is to remember that fashion is cyclical. If you participated in the trend the first time around, you don't get to the second time. I'M SORRY. That's just the rule. You had your chance, now move along.

K, so with saying that, I can give you some quick alternatives to trends that aren't going to work on you. Let me also say that if there is something you LOVE and looks so super fantastic on you that your confidence soars, then buy, regardless of whatever anyone else is saying.

The Legging:
The legging has long been an enemy of mine. WHile I don't mind it on a teenage girl, I can't stand seeing a grown women with like, three kids in tow and a minivan wearing them. Honestly. They are the worrrrrrst for stumpifying your leg. Not to mention I just think it looks ridiculous, like hey! I'm the cool mom! I wear leggings, even though they aren't particularly flattering!!

But I know there are lots of outfits out there that won't work without a legging. THINK AGAIN! Anything that can be done with a legging can be done with an opaque knit tight OR some skinny jeans.



In fact, all those cute long sweaters we're seeing this season? Love it SO MUCH more with a skinny jean and slouchy boot than with a legging. It just looks cozy and totally like "Oh yeah, I totally just threw this on effortlessly to go shopping and such."

The Tapered Jean:
Oh my word I have seen so much of the tapered jean lately I want to throw up. Can we again say there is a massive difference between a tapered jean and a skinny jean? Skinny jeans are straight and cut close through the leg, while tapered jeans narrow as they descend. NARROW! WHY? So gross. I don't like anyone wearing them, ever. Can we just see how much better a standard straight leg or bootcut looks first?

Ugh, its like the tapered jean is on a personal mission to make you look disproportionate. And that's on the model. Now look at the pretty bootcut one below. Look how much better the entire line of leg looks. its long and lean and the butt looks good. LOOK AT IT! Beautiful. Hah! You totally checked out a girls butt today.

The "Pashmina" or Shawl:
K, this one befuddles me because it was made up by old ladies who get cold in church and suddenly everyone has one? Like, what do you sit at home with your cats and drink tea and read Better Homes and Gardens too? It's funny because most trends are made for younger generations, but somehow a septuagenarian snuck in there and got people to think these were a good idea. No. They look old and outdated. I remember back in like, 2001, EVERYONE was buying them. And saying the word pashmina obsessively. PASHMINA. I HAVE A PASHMINA. No, it's still a lame shawl.

Weeeeeird. Plus I don't think a scarf should have this much presence in general. Like, let it go peeps.

However, I love the gauzy summer scarves we see now. They are super versatile and way more fresh feeling than a stuffy old pashmina. And they literally go. with. everything.

Also very good fro detracting from a very pregnant belly. I KNOW! I TRIED IT!

Patterend Hoodies:
This one kind of sucks because I love a cute hoodie, and these ones ave adorable hearts and patterns on them. But be warned. They are made for 17 year olds. Not you. You look silly. Not only are they cut for a teenagers body, but the patterns are just too young to get away wit when you're toting around kids and have a mortgage.

See how short and girly it is? Not good for you. But who doesn't love a hoodie? I think they are awesome and own a ton. Make sure when buying them you are looking at a few things to make them grown up vs high school. The fit. It should be long enough to fit close to your body to your waist or hips. The material. Don't buy giant sweatshirt hoodies that are thick. Yes they are comfy, but they add a ton of bulk that you don't want. This is my current fave by Volcom:

See how it's colours, the fit and the cut are a little more grown up? If you're going to spend all day in a hoodie, let it be this one.

Sweatpants as Normal Clothes OMG IT'S THE APOCALYPSE:

So this is not a trend that I like, nor do I participate in under normal circumstances. But due to my dr's appointments and high likeliness that I will have to get ultrasound goop on my clothes, this has become a reality for me a few days a week. But if you must, must, must, go out and run your errands in sweatpants, so help me god if they have an elastic on the bottom, I will go ballistic.

Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Nothing in this world makes me angrier than sweatpants with elastics around the bottom at say, the grocery store. Like really? You couldn't be bothered to put some big-girl pants on before you went out into the world? K, fine, wear sweatpants, but wear RESPECTABLE ones.

I will always be okay with a co-ordinated velour set. It says to me, yes, I want to be comfortable, but I also don't want to look homeless, so I match.

Or, my personal choice of sweatpants is the Lululemon. I honestly hesitate to say that name for fear that everyone will want some, because they are the GREATEST. I wear them around all the time because they actually make your butt look so good, that no one is even noticing you're totally wearing sweatpants. I used to wear them to the gym, but since the gym has become a dream for me, often these are my dr's appointment and general running around pants instead.

Scrumptious! Buy some!! And give your elastic sweatpants to your husband. He misses them.

K, so think carefully when pursuing a trend. Am I wanting this because everyone else has it? Or because it will actually look flattering on my body? If you're buying it to just keep up with everyone else, PUT IT BACK. You are better than that. Work instead on cultivating a personal, signature style that lends itself every now and again to trends without looking like a trend whore. Repeat after me. Trends are not my friend. Be discerning!


Crystal said...

I agree about the sweats with elastic. Those things are so gross. Why would people make those anymore? Love all your advice. I need to buy myself a new hoodie.

Chi-townRawlins said...

You just inspired me to take back the long sweater/dress thingy that I was going to wear over leggings...and get a pair of Lulemon's in their place:)
I am happy to report that I'm all over this scarf business. I'm a GINORMO fan of plain tees (fitted, interesting ones) and I think the scarf phenomenon was created just for me.

p.s. I totally bought a pair of riding boots yesterday. I thought that might make you proud.

Amanda P. said...

Your blog cracks me up! It's so true (though I could never say it quite as blunt as you do!)

Laura said...

I have a pair of Lululemons and can tell you that they are THE BEST. I get compliments on them all the time. Yes, you read that correctly, I get compliments on my sweats!!!

Nicole said...

OMG! You are hilarious. I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

Again, I'm laughing so hard but not at the things everyone else is laughing at. Develop my own personal style, right? But ONLY BY WEARING WHAT JAE TELLS ME TO.

Holy hysterical hypocriticalistic hahahahaha!

And yeah...I'm reading stuff that's old. I had to see what the peacock thing was about (wearing big peacock feathers as a necklace? Seriously?) and then this one was linked at the bottom of the page...

Nana Tipsy said...

Hi, I just found your blog today and I laughed a LOT when reading this post! But at the same time also dislocated my neck from nodding my total agreement. Love your work, can't wait until I can sit down and have a really good read! Thanks!

Trixie said...

Hilarious!! And so true!

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Angie Becerra said...

Love this and I do agree about the sweat pants! I don't own any and do own the yoga pant alternative. However, I was recently romanced by a sleek pair of "track pants" from Urban Outfitters that are a comfy, stylish and slimming EXCEPTION...
type in TRACK PANTS on their site.. let me know what you think!


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