Freaky Friday

Friday, October 24, 2014

So yesterday I ran out of dry shampoo, which is NOT ALLOWED because it's basically my number one staple of life after you know, water and bad reality TV. So I put my son in the car to drive down to the drugstore. Which I totally thought was Rite-Aid and then I saw the bag and I was like "I went to Walgreens today?" and was very confused.

So I grabbed my dry shampoo and maybe a nail polish and went to check out. Now, you should know that I am a sucker when it comes to signing up for cards and memberships and stuff at the cashier because I just can't say no. My husband makes fun of me because I will always just go along with giving my email, phone number and blood type to the person working at like, Bath and Body Works. I'm just a really passive person that way. I was thinking to think of a term for it... like non-shy introvert or something? I just want to agree with anything and get of there.

But yesterday, I was in a mood. I had promised myself a Diet Coke + Vanilla + Cream (ughhhhh so good) and I wanted to get out of Rite-Aid/Walgreens fast. So, when the lady asked if I wanted to join their "Exchange Your Soul for Shampoo Points" card, I actually grew a pair and said something.

Lady: Want to join our super special secret society?
Me: UGH No, I'm good.
Lady: It'll save you money!
Me: I'm actually really busy today (complete and utter lie) so, no.
Lady: It would actually save you $2 on this dry shampoo, though.
Me, in a snarky voice: I'M OKAY.
Lady: ...... well, you have a bug in your hair.

And I did. I totally had a huge bug in my hair while I was giving the drugstore cashier attitude. And then I felt like, super stupid. Because as much as I would have liked to hop on my high consumer horse and ridden away, I felt like I had lost like, moral ground or something for having a bug in my hair.

Especially because she helped me get it out.

Me: How long does it take to sign up?
Lady: Literally 30 seconds. Just enter your phone number here.
Me, entering phone number.
Lady: Oh, it looks like you already have a card with us!

So, shoot me in the face please. I then forgot to swipe my card and just stood there blankly when she gave me my total. Later, I ran out of the store saying things to Andrew like "Hurry up, buddy, we're late!" Because, you see, I had to perpetuate the lie that we were busy even though we were on our way to get Diet Coke.

And THAT is why we don't run out of dry shampoo, my friends. Because the line between having fresh, non-smelly hair and being humiliated by a drugstore cashier is awfully thin.

That was my Thursday. How was yours? Good? Good. Onto Freaky Friday.

I feel like people are really wanting jogger pants and heels to happen. It's not going to happen. If you want to wear lazy pants, own it and wear them with flip flops like EVERYONE ELSE. 

 Novelty jewelry is already for sale. And I already want to vomit. 

My husband has this insane aunt that we see once a year and she's the queen of novelty Christmas clothes. And every year, she gives my mother-in-law (her sister) a Christmas vest, and every year, I end up Googling the brand so my MIL can return it. 

 Oh, these shorts are bad. Like, I give up forever bad. 

Preach, Batty.

 Oh, this? This is my casual Disney evil queen dress. I wear it to church on Mother's Day. 

I don't know why, but this dress reminds me of that Paula Abdul video where her costar was an animated cat and they were like, involved somehow?

OMG, Cruella Deville made a tunic out of dalmatians AND girl scouts. 

For when it's cold enough to wear a sweater, but you also want to remind people you're the kind of girl who dates MUCH older men. 

 Awkward keyhole placement FTW!!! 

Oh, I'm just hanging out in my diaper shorts looking like a fancy watermelon AS YOU DO. 

My kids are off school AGAIN today, and I can hear them rustling in the Count Chocula and that's my cereal. Mom stuff: Does it ever end?

5 Non-Trashy, Super Easy Costume Ideas

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I think one of the reasons that women dress like straight-up strippers on Halloween is the fact that there's really not a lot of non-trashy options out there. Go to any Halloween costume site and click on "Women" and literally every option will involve boobs and fishnets.

Which have their place, just not at the school Halloween carnival, thanks.

So I went on the hunt for some of the funnest costume ideas that you know, don't degrade your entire gender group. I found some genius ideas just by searching "non-skanky Halloween," but here are some of my favorites.

Rita from Arrested Development

I would actually love to go as Lindsay, my favorite character from Arrested Development, but alas, this is her best-known look, which probably isn't appreciated while handing out candy.

But remember Rita? She was by far my favorite guest character arc on the show, and her clothes were THE BEST. If you'll remember, Michael dated Rita, thinking she was fun and spirited, when she actually had special needs.

Basically, you'll need:
-Your kid's tiara
-A mini backpack
-A loud, flowered shirt that doesn't match in any way shape or form
-Striped leggings
-A tutu

Basically, you'll look like an adult dressed in child clothes. If you really want to hit it home, hang a sign that says "For British Eyes Only" around your neck. I love an obscure costume that only fans will get.

A Real Housewife

This would be friggin brilliant, especially if your friends are Real Housewives lovers like me. 
Use the following:
-Cocktail dress
-A streaky fake tan (use something that washes off after one use)
-Huge hair and jewelry

Carry around an orange and a cocktail dress and slur your words and you are good to go. Getting into verbal fights and using common cliches improperly are bonuses. 

The SunDrop Girl

No shame in my game: This was my fave costume of all time, but mostly because it allowed be to booty dance to Drop it Like it's Hot, which is my second favorite song of all time. Plus it was super easy to throw together at the last minute.

-SunDrop shirt, which I got at WalMart.
-Jean shorts. Or "jorts" if you will.
-Black tights
-Leg warmers
-Red shoes

Here's the original commercial I used for this one. It was SO. FUN. 

Paper Bag Princess

I'm obsessed with this costume idea because it would be TOO adorable, especially if you were helping out in your kid's class for Halloween. I would just wear tights with it.

-Paper bag from grocery store (I think it would be easy to grab a few and tape them together)
-Card stock crown -- remember to turn down the edges! 
-Makeup -- to make it look like you're dirty. 

Just scuff up the paper and the crown a little and you are good to go. It would be also super fun to carry around a dragon, if you had one. Not a real one though. You're not Daenerys. Although that would also be a fun costume.

Fashion Blogger

Alison over at Wardrobe Oxygen nailed this look and it would be super simple to recreate. Just mix fabrics and add statement necklaces until you look like a total caricature of yourself. Boom. Blogger.

Just make sure to pose for a million "candid" pictures and never let that Starbucks cup leave your paws, ever. 

And remember, when in doubt, remember that it's NOT OKAY that guys get to dress up and have fun and women are supposed to suck in their stomachs and look like sexpots for what should actually be a holiday for children.

 If your husband suggests a sexy costume, suggest that you turn the tables.


What I Wore: Secondhand Cool

Monday, October 20, 2014

As the daughter of a biker, I blame him for my love of all things leather. Like, I'm not cool enough to ride my own motorcycle, but I have like, secondhand biker cred because I grew up around them. Also, sometimes my dad would drive me to school on the bike and I would get SO MAD because he would make me wear a helmet and it messed up my perfect high school hair.

Top: H&M (here) Let me point out that these tops are under $10 and they look good on everyone. Case in point: I was shopping with a group of like, 8 girls and we ALL bought one. I also have it in black and they fit pretty generously -- I buy an XS in these. Seriously. I keep an eye out for new patterns because they're so easy to just throw on without looking like a standard issue T-shirt.
Jacket: Guess (similar) (similar) (yaaass plus) I pat myself on the back for buying this jacket a few years ago. It has served me well. 
Pants: H&M (here) (similar) (plus)
Boots: Dollhouse (here) (similar) (low heel)

This boot/jeans combo is so cool it deserves a close-up. Like... I can't even. 

Don't worry, I only wear cool clothes. I still do incredibly dorky things like play MarioKart on my pink DS and get nervous when talking to adults. Any cool that I get is totally secondhand from my biker dad.

Who has excellent hair, by the way. 

Freaky Friday

Friday, October 17, 2014

 Happy Friday everyone! My kids are off  of school and have naturally been fighting for the last half hour. I went to a downright PUNISHING workout this morning and I don't have the energy to play referee. At this point, it's basically like natural selection, right?

I kid.

Kind of.

Also, thanks to everyone who has sent in submissions for the Trashy Halloween Contest thus far. I love love love having readers who are willing to do that and I've received some DOOZIES (and/or floozies heh heh heh) this year.

For now, let's just do a normal Freaky Friday, though.

Oh dear these pants. I feel like they want to be a classy animal print but instead wound up klassy and that one letter makes a big difference. 

Also. Dat 18 inch crotch.

 I don't usually do kids clothes because my children dress like hobos on the reg, but this dress scared me in a Margaret Atwood Handmaid's Tale kind of way. (Yeaaaaah literary humor)

 If you don't just instinctively know these pants and heels are wrong, we are probably not friends. 

 Ugh, have I ever talked about how much I hate shirts with like, paragraphs of self-statements on them? No one needs to know this about you. NO ONE. What, am I going to stand there for 45 seconds so I can get to know you based on your novelty long-sleeve T?
The fact that you're wearing one at all is enough for me.

Finally! A dress I can wear when Richard Gere rescues me from a life of selling my body on the streets!

 Took me a minute to realize what this slopjacket reminded me of:
(Man, a lot of movie references today!)

 I know this is supposed to make for a more flattering figure, but it really just makes me think of square ovaries and I'm sorry for that.

OKAY now I can go cry in shower because my shoulders hurt, don't mind me I just did like 6,499 chaturangas today and want to saw them off. My kids are still fighting. I think I'm just going to let them battle to the death, Gladiator-style. 


The 4th Annual Trashy Halloween Costume Contest: Call for Entries

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

It's that time again! Time to weed out the trashiest Halloween costumes known to man as a way to stop women from feeling like they have to dress like prostitutes once per year (heck, if you really wanted to, why wait for Halloween, amiright?)

Now, some rules for entries (because I've already had some come in) remember a few things:

  • If you found the costume on a website, do me a favor and send the link, will ya? One site in particular gets mad if I post pics without a link back to the costume. You know, in case I didn't shame you enough and you want to order it.
  • Avoid sending in pics of like, people you know or personal pics. I don't want to make someone feel bad AFTER the fact. Just before. I'm not a monster.
And that's about it. Send your entries via Facebook or email and on Halloween Eve I'll put them up for voting. As usual, winner gets a $25 Target gift card. 

As a refresher, here are some of the worst offenders and winners of the Annual Trashiest Halloween Costume Contest. 

 Sexy USB is subtle.

 This Twerkin' Teddy won last year, right after Miley crotch-grabbed her way into our hearts. 

Or, sexy Pac-Man, which has a secret surprise.

Surprise! It's herpes. 

Let's not also forget the likes of Sexy SpongeBob, Sexy Parrot and Sexy Ketchup Bottle, all of which were real entries over the years. 

No faith in humanity whatsoever. Also, before I get accused of slut-shaming AGAIN which happens every year, let me remind you that yes, this is shameful behavior. That's what I'm getting at. Don't dress like this on Halloween. You're better than this. If you want to wear a bustier, just wear one and don't use Sexy Lamp as an excuse. Children's characters, inanimate objects and actual respectable professions are NOT SEXY, so put down the Teletubby, outlet cover and police officer costumes away please. 

Yes? Yes. Let's do this. I'll accept entries all the way until Oct. 30th, so keep 'em coming. And as always, I love that I have readers that understand this ridiculousness as well as I do. You guys are awesome. 


What I Wore: Running Late

Monday, October 13, 2014

Forgive the quality of pictures today. My photographer is 8 years old and we were late for school, but PRIORITIES. I was like "HURRY SNAP THE PICTURE OMG"

Thursdays are always nuts because I help out at the school and schedule changes aren't really my thing. But hey, at least I looked put together, right?

Top: Suzy Shier - Canada (similar) (so cute) Also I've worn this top like, six times and only realized the other day that it buttoned all the way open. I have been pulling it on over my head this whole time like a dang idiot. 
Pants: Calvin Klein (here)
Boots: Ardene (also in Canada I made my mom buy them for me because they were like $15)
And then just plain studs. I don't wear a lot of jewelry during the week. Also, it distracts the kindergartners, who will literally talk about anything to get out of gluing stuff to paper. 

Of course, now I'm running late for a different reason: I have work to do, but a friend called to go shopping and so again, priorities. Can everyone else's "late" be my "on time" please? 

Reader Question: What to do When Fashion Sucks

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

I got the best email ever from reader Nelda and it raised a few questions, so I wanted to share:

"I am a faithful reader of your blog.  You are such a great writer and hilarious and you keep it real.  Thank you so much.  So I went to City Creek the other day and everywhere I saw.. mom jeans!  The horror.  I shuddered.  Then I went online today and read some article about some new "research" that mom jeans or high waisted and tapered jeans are all the rage.  See here  This is distressing to me!  How can I navigate this dark period of fashion?  I LOVE skinny jeans and colored jeans and sometimes I still rock bootcut jeans but how is anyone going to look good in a jean that takes an hour to zip up all the way and does disturbing things to one's bum shape??  Also, sidenote, I am sick of all the "ironic" clothing going on (ahem, urban outfitters).  Anyway, please advise Jae.  You keep it sane for me in the fashion world."

Let me first say: Nelda, I heart you with much hearting. But let me also say I am totally onboard with what you're saying. Sometimes, fashion sucks for a few different reasons:

  • It doesn't match or look good with your body shape.
  • It's for 12-year-olds, despite grown women wearing it.
  • It's ugly and just plain sucks.
Mom jeans, I'm looking at you.

So what do you do when shopping makes you out-of-touch and kind of annoyed and weirdly protective of your bootcut jeans? Let's brainstorm:

1. Find Something That You DO Like

It's pretty rare that an entire season goes by that literally everything sucks. Usually, even if I'm not onboard with whatever's popular, I can find some incarnation that I do like. Take booties, for example. As a girl whose current theme song is by Nicki Minaj, sleek booties make me look like I'm a pear walking around on toothpicks. Not pretty.

But I have found, however, that wearing wedge booties or boots with a little more bulk (straps, buckles, what have you) on the foot tend to balance out my body. So hey, neat! I can wear something, even if it's not the exact duplicate of a magazine spread, right? 

The thing is that trends, whatever they are, are built around size 0 model bodies, something that I lack. If you try to mash every trend onto your bod, you're going to be disappointed. But you can still take a concept and run with it. Maybe you love the 90s resurgence happening right now but know that acid wash jeans are no good (and they are not). Go for another element -- I'm loving the 90s-inspired strappy shoes kicking around right now -- and do that instead. 

So, in Nelda's example: I would never rock a pair of mom jeans, no matter how many Miley Cyruses try to make it happen. But, I can respect a lighter pair of denim with zero irony. SO I might go shopping for a pair of light gray jeans in a fit that I love. Stick with shapes that flatter you, even if you want to try out a new color, pattern, etc (Does anyone watch Mindy Project? Last night, Morgan's "etca, etca?" Dead). 

2. Go Cheap

I still don't spent more than like, $30 on a pair of colored denim. I think they're super cute, I just don't think they're going to last forever in terms of style. And I don't want to sit and bemoan the loss of hundreds of dollars in mustard yellow jeans when they're woefully passe (I sound like an idiot right now). 

So, say you see some fashion and you're like "I don't know... maybe?" Head to a cheap place like F21 or H&M and grab a bargain-basement version. That way, you can test drive a look without committing. If you find that OMG, you're wearing that piece like, five out of five days, THEN invest in something good.

(I thought I'd love these rugged-style boots and have worn them like, three times. So glad I didn't spend a ton of money on them). I'll invest in pieces that will look good forever instead, like a solid leather jacket, a pair of riding boots or a basic pair of dark denim instead. 

3. Opt Out 

Just because something is in a store DOES NOT mean you have to (or should) buy it. I think overalls are the worst, yet they're in every junior store ever. I just pass 'em on by, because this body was not meant to dress like a farmer. 

In the end, you have to know your body and style well enough that when you see something in a store window, magazine or blog, you can tell whether or not it's for you. Don't be a trend whore about it. If you know your style well enough, then it's easy to weed out what does and doesn't work. I like structure, leather and buckles... I'm not swayed by floral prints, anything twee or "formal sweatpants" which should absolutely not be a thing. So I'm out. 

I think the mark of someone who is well-dressed is usually someone who has a distinct style and freshens it up over the course of the year. A well-chosen accessory here, adding in some color there, but still relying on the same shapes as before. 

If your body looks amazing in bootcut jeans, wear the bootcut jeans. Fit and flattery is way more important than trend factor. It's why I have lived my entire life in button-up shirts: They look good on me, no matter what. I've had this buffalo plaid shirt for five years and what do you know, buffalo plaid is big this fall.

It also explains why I've never participated in the boyfriend jeans trend. They just don't flatter me at all. So I'm not even going to try it. 

Fashion is so cyclical and fickle there's no way to keep up with every trend. Besides, you'll look demented. Know yourself and your style and you can pick and choose which trends you'll participate in and which ones you can totally roll your eyes at. 

And yeah, don't wear mom jeans please. NO ONE looks good with a 16-inch crotch. K? 


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