Freaky Friday

Friday, April 18, 2014

 Happy Friday, party people. I'm feeling like a star because I actually went and bought my kids' Easter stuff before like, Saturday morning. Usually I run down when they're still in bed and my husband is at home and have to battleslam people in Walmart just to find a chocolate bunny. That's definitely a personal win.

I shall celebrate by going out to lunch. And writing a Freaky Friday. But not necessarily in that order.

 Oh, so is that like, where your control panel goes? 

I'm sure this model is a really lovely woman and all, but this is the saddlebaggiest (yes, a word I would know I'm a professional writer) dress I have ever seen in my life. Also, is that like, a cityscape? To remind people that your hips are wide enough for all of Chicago?

 This is probably because I've cut waaaay back on carbs lately (seriously, I'm eating like a bajillion grams of protein every day and I can only eat so much chicken) but this dress made me think of potatoes.

Oh man I love potatoes so much.

 Alex sent me the latest round up of "must have" products on GOOP. This was by far may favorite: An ugly $1,200 "keepsake box" because you couldn't just Mod Podge a motherfreaking shoebox LIKE EVERYONE ELSE GWYNETH?

 In case you were hoping to score that ever-elusive "Socks with Sandals" look.

 The more I stare at this, the more confused I get. Is... is that Megatron? Or just like, a garden variety robot monster? Is he eating her belly button? Why is it see-through? Did you mean to wear those grandma underpants? So many questions! 

 This is from my personal collection. I was looking at swimsuits the other night and LOVED this one. I almost ordered it, but read the reviews first and so glad I did. While it is in fact, an adorable rainbow flutter top, it also has HEARTS on the BOOBS when the flutter top blows up. And there are no pictures that indicate this, so it was just a fun surprise for everyone who ordered it. So thanks for that, Nordstrom.

 Nice try, Crocs. A pig in a tuxedo is still a pig. 

 I think we've cultivated a relationship by now in which I can communicate my feelings by facial expressions, right? So can you just imagine me looking bored and annoyed at the same time?

It's also the same face I make at church, while driving, at children's movies and when my husband wants to watch car auctions on TV.

Amy sent me these awesome granny square nails because I've always wanted my hands to look like the smell like mothballs. 

Boom. This Friday is just getting more and more productive. Happy Easter weekend guys! Hope you get chocolate or in my case, beef jerky, because protein.

Time to Buy: Boots

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Guys, I have been SO good about not shopping and haven't been for two weeks, so be proud of me. Instead, I do a lot of online window shopping and reorganizing my closet and I'm sounding like a whiny first-worlder, aren't I?

Honestly, it hasn't been that bad -- until I see the spring sales. And, since stores are clearing out winter inventory for flip flops (even though it totally snowed in my hometown yesterday) it means you can get screaming deals on boots.

Here are some of my fave picks for less than $50-- happy shopping! (sob sob)

Knee-High Boots (Universally flattering so go forth, my friends)


 Mid-Calf Boots (Best with skirts and dresses)


Ankle Boots (Which I previously said I didn't need, but then I got my Miladas and can't believe how amazingly versatile they are).

(Clockwise, from top)

What I Wore: Easter Ballet

Monday, April 14, 2014

I totally jinxed myself by complaining about Spring Break, because I got sick on Monday and it stuck around until Thursday. I did get my kids out to do some fun stuff, but only with copious naps and a very messy house. I am please to report, however, that after a post-sickness burst of energy, my house is now clean and my garden is weeded -- and my kids are back to school.

I even had some time to get dressed up yesterday. I am aware I should have saved this outfit for Easter, but whatevs, I was excited. I felt like I should be in an Easter-themed ballet where there was a lot of spinning.

 Cardigan: Maurices (here) (similar) (so pretty!!)
Skirt: Olsenboye (similar) (love this print)
Shoes: Michael Antonio and on sale! (here) (in black) I died over the teeny ankle strap.
Rings, earrings: Coach, F21

 Also, I can't wear this skirt without doing this as well:

It's been gorgeous here, so I've been in skirts a lot lately. My apologies to firm pants-wearers. But these legs seriously need some sun and skirts are my friends.

Also, I was shopping with a couple of friends and two of us bought this cardigan. Ugh, it's prettiness I just can't even handle it. I can't wait to wear it more casually, like with jeans and flats or with leather pants on date night.

Yes, I look for many excuses to wear leather pants.

What I Wore: Anchors Away

Monday, April 7, 2014

Is it me or are anchors on legitimately EVERYTHING this spring? I mean, I totally don't mind because I love all things nautical, but I've had to pace myself on buying ALL THE ANCHORS.

I have to give credit where credit is due -- my girl Sara was the one that recommended these skirts to me. I bought a couple and really like them for casual wear. Although I did find that the waistband seemed to get a little loose throughout the day. Other than that, this anchor skirt (and the polka dot one I bought) were like $10 and they've worked their way into regular rotation.

Top: Calvin Klein City T (here)
Shoes: Guess omg I love these so much (here and on sale!) (lower heel)
Necklace: Plunder

I dressed this up a little, but it looks super cute with a plain gray V-neck too. Which is great, because my legs need sun. Like, power to the pale and whatever, but mine are practically transluscent.

For now, I'm off to struggle through Spring Break. I am seriously regretting not booking tickets to Canada because this week is going to be a lot of "I'm bored" from my kids and "Why are there children everywhere!?" from me.

Freaky Friday

Friday, April 4, 2014

Good news, guys! I actually didn't blow it too bad yesterday. I bought a couple shirts and like, a sports bra, so I feel that it was minimalist. I am jealous of one of my friends, though -- she found some awesome boots and a leather jacket and those are actually two of my faaaaavorite things to shop for. But I couldn't justify more leather jackets and more boots, so maybe failing my shopping diet was a good thing?

Anyway, for now I'll be wearing stuff I already own. That I've never worn before. UGH. Also, spring break is next week and I've been researching stuff to do all morning. What do you guys do with your kids!?

For now I'll just pretend like it's not happening. Cool? Cool. 

 These were marketed as gym wear. To that I saw I DARE YOU to wear these to the gym. Seriously. I want to see them flapping in the wind on the treadmill. 

And then I want you to grant me a wish.

 "I give up" sweatpants give up.

Yusssss pants that double as a bag and diaper genie together? LOVE. 

 This shirt is perplexing to me. Maybe because it has lace, puffy sleeves, a weird detached collar and the stylist was still like "Hm, know what this needs? An unnecessarily busy statement necklace GO."
"Honey, I know you want to go to the pool, but mommy needs 57 minutes to lace up her douchey gladiator sandals!" 

 Here's a good fashion tip: When you get dressed, look in the mirror and see where your eye is initially drawn. If it's to a feature you love, then you're doing it right. But if your eye is drawn to the deep abyss of your crotch, you may want to rethink your strategy.

 If jean shorts are jorts, are leather shorts "lorts?" Or just a really bad idea?

 More workout wear. You know, for when you're training to be La Femme Nikita, but like, also want to lose some weight.

 I know Coachella is coming up so we all have to pretend to be interested in dressing like white girl hippies for the next month, but can we talk about these shorts? And how they're actually underwear? And how you might catch an infection from that festival port-a-potty?

Not cute, white girls. 

 "They told me I could be anything... so I literally just became everything." 

Can we make a pact to never show these Pegasus tights to my daughter? Because she's already pretty weird. 

That does it for me this week. I'm going to find something to do that doesn't involve shopping. 

So basically I'll just be at home watching Say Yes to the Dress.

How I Failed My Shopping Diet in Two Days

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sale Sign
Every year, I traditionally go on a "Shopping Diet" in April (see here for more info on financial fasts from a money standpoint). That means an entire month of not shopping (for clothes). For some, this is NBD. For me, it's torturous. BUT! I do it for very specific reasons:

1) I have a tendency to shop A LOT during the months of February and March. It's cold and dreary and I cope with online shopping because clothes make me happy and I realize how shallow and super messed-up that is.
2) I think that I get so preoccupied with new stuff that I don't even wear anything I own. I literally have clothes with tags, unworn shoes, etc. in my closet. This is sad, because I do have some cool stuff but never get a chance to wear it. Also, it makes my husband verrrrrry grouchy.
3) I go on an annual girl's trip usually near the end of April or at the beginning of May where shopping (and eating so much eating) is the main focus. And I like knowing that I don't have to completely rein myself in when I'm on a two-day shopping bender, you know?

Therefore, April is usually my no-spend month. I always plan on rotating through my current clothes and usually get kind of excited to see how I can make them work instead of buying new ones.

It's bad you guys.

And would you believe it me that it's easier for me to diet food-wise than it is shopping wise? Food is no big deal to me. It's like "Oh, I shouldn't eat that VHS tape-sized Rice Krispie square? OK, I won't."

Shopping, on the other hand, is rough. I see temptation everywhere. I'm on my computer at least three hours a day and a lot of my work has me surfing fashion and makeup sites, which makes it too easy to buy. Then I get bored and I have to stop myself from thinking "I have a spare two minutes, I wonder if that store got some new jeans?"

Oh, 100 percent it's a shopping addiction. And let me tell you how I failed HARD already.

First, our girl's trip was pushed back to June this year, which meant my motivation was gonezo.

Then, I had to take my daughter for an eye appointment (turns out, she's basically blind, I had major mom guilt, but she picked out some adorable glasses and I can't wait to tell you. She's my daughter. She went straight for the leopard print). Now, you wouldn't think that an eye appointment would be temptation, but the eye doctor was in the mall and we were 45 minutes early.

So I wandered. And I bought some shirts. And in my insane-brain, I justified that if I bought my husband some shirts too, it wouldn't count as much. Seriously people.

Then, two of my friends (one of which whose birthday was yesterday, Happy Birthday, T!) suggested a shopping trip today and I was like "I'M THERE" because let's face it, once you eat a piece of cake on a diet, you might as well eat the rest. Then have some ice cream and brownies, too.

So guys, I totally failed. I'm sorry.

I have a proposition for you, instead. To MAKE myself do my shopping diet, I'm going to move it to May (which is really rough because hello, Memorial Day sales!) and you guys can do it with me. I'll post outfits out of the stuff I already own and some tips on remixing without using obnoxious terms like "recessionista" and we can commiserate together. Because it looks like I'll need some support to see this through (WHY did I pick a month with so many days?)

Consider it a bikini boot camp for your closet. And try not to fail after two days.

 Because that's really embarrassing.

What I Wore: Coming Clean

Monday, March 31, 2014

A few weeks ago I was shopping with a friend. I was bemoaning the whole celeb fashion line thing and I told her "Like, I get super angry if I like something and it has a Jessica Simpson tag."

Five minutes later, I found something with a Jessica Simpson tag. And I liked it. And I bought it. And told her that if she told anyone she was dead to me.

She kept my secret, but I'm coming clean here. This cardigan is Jessica Simpson and it makes me have feelings and I don't know if they're good or bad. I love the cardigan because it has faux leather and draping. But I hate it because it has a celeb's name.

Cardigan: Jessica Simpson siiiiigh I can't even find this one online, but I bought it at Dillards! (Here's a similar one) (and plus size) (even maternity I'm on a roll)
Skirt: nicole by Nicole Miller (here) (thicker stripe) (plus)
Shoes: F21 (similar) (open toe) (flats instead)
I'm wearing earrings but you totally can't see them. I'm a professional. 

So the cat is out of the bag then. I can tell my friend that she's no longer sworn to secrecy. I still don't feel good about this.



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