Freaky Friday

Friday, August 29, 2014

 Oh, we are on the cusp of a long weekend and the possibilities are endless. JK my weekend is already planned so the possibilities are actually contained in a short list of activities. We're hauling our boat up our cabin for a weekend of fishing (read: tanning and reading while Justin wrangles the kids' fishing poles) but we're also planning on hitting a massive craft fair and eating a lot. Also, it's Justin's birthday on Monday, so we have some fun plans for that too. Yes, his mother was in labor on Labor Day. I like to remind him of that relentlessly. I am very excited.

Right now, I need to do some running around and packing of the boat. But also some snarking because I'm me.

How do we feel about these silky jogging pants? I wanted to be OK with them, but I was out to dinner with some friends and saw a girl wearing them with sky-high heels and they were doing very unpleasant things to her but. See above. 

 When I was a kid my mom practically rented me out as a flower girl in various weddings. I was adorable. Anyway, one wedding was completely done in this exact teal green satin because it was 1991 and that was appropriate back then. It was just about as fashionable as this abomination. 

 All I can see is a pump eating a hiking boot. 

 I wish you could have seen me jump when I first looked at this shoe. Like, I flinched away from the computer. 

 "Like, I want to look like a farmer, but a farmer who has spent some time in the city and is not disillusioned by the smell of cows." 

These pants are $100. $100 to look like a demented member of a 70s family band. 

 Look, I am aware I have the maturity level of a 12-year-old boy but when I see this shirt all I can see is a part of the female anatomy. I'M SORRY but I can't change who I am. 

I'm in the middle of a book that has a lot of information on the Puritan movement in England and eventually the United States. Those people were nuts. And threw people in rivers to see if they were witches. And dressed like this. 

And with that, I'm off. Happy long weekend everyone! Hope you eat lots of BBQ and wear sunscreen because premature aging ain't no joke. 

5 Fashion Rules You Can Totally Ignore

Thursday, August 28, 2014

I think one of the reasons people get intimidated by fashion and shopping and clothing in general is that it feels like there's a lot of rules. It's like, am I "allowed" to even wear this?

Well, first of all, clothing is not a privilege. You're not banned from wearing something because of your hair color, body type of level of fashion prowess. In essence, you can wear whatever the heck you want as long as your bits are covered. Will it be flattering? Ehhh, that's up for debate. But there's no reason to be intimidated. Clothes are inanimate objects. They are not your problem.

Being worried what other people think: There's your trouble.

Sometimes I have to laugh when I look in my closet. While I do have a pretty clear aesthetic that I gravitate toward (structured, tailored, dark) I do have a bunch of really fun out-of-the-box pieces that I wear and people must think "What the heck Jae?" But in the end, they make me happy, so I buy 'em and wear 'em regardless. Seriously, today is an around-the-house day, and I'm wearing tie-dye Nike leggings and neon high tops.

Of course, there are always those "rules" that websites and magazines kick around that make you feel even more unsure of yourself. But that's probably about the point in time the clothes start wearing you. So here are some "fashion rules" that you can totally toss out the window. Not only are they archaic, but they could be stopping you from wearing stuff that you really love and that makes you feel awesomely confident.

1. Don't Wear White After Labor Day

What an idiotic rule. First of all, I can never actually remember when Labor Day is, despite the fact that it's my husband's birthday. So chances are that if I see someone wearing white, I'm probably thinking "Wow I wish I could wear that without getting ketchup all over" instead of "EXCUSE ME Labor Day already happened." Wear it whenever you want.

I will note that when I do wear white in the fall or winter, I tend to swing to the "winter white" family, which is more of an ivory and pairs best with jewel tones. Summer is better for optic white, which is white with a little blue in it and looks better with pastels.

But honestly, either way I don't care. And if someone does care, they need a hobby OMG.

2. Match Your Purse, Belt and Shoes

You know, because we live in 1956 Connecticut and all. But really, you don't need to match one or all three of these accessories. When things match a little too perfectly all the time, you come off as a deranged perfectionist, rather than a capable fashion-forward human being.

Also, I know bags are some peoples' "thing," but I literally NEVER change out my purse to match my outfit. I carry one bag because I'm lazy and messy and changing it each time I put on a brown belt is actually my idea of torture. So don't feel like you have to.

3. Short Girls Can't Wear Long Things

I remember when maxi dresses became a thing and lots of short girls were like "Oh, ho hum, I can't wear that because I'm short" because apparently trends are only for stompy skinny models.

Wrong. Wearing "long" clothes is more about waist placement than height. Literally anyone can fake being tall when the legs are elongated, so if you want to wear maxi dresses, midi skirts or even skinnies, just visually raise the waist. Wearing a higher-waisted pair of jeans will mitigate height (especially when worn with heels). Or, wear an empire waist maxi (belt it if there's a ton of volume) and then do a pair of wedges, with the skirt falling all the way to the floor.

Also, people who say short people can't wear certain things are dumb. Fashion is not a rollercoaster. There is no height requirement.

4. Only Wear the Metal That Looks Best for Your Skin Tone 

This reminds me of like, old timey housewives who had their "seasons" done and then only wore those colors. So crazy! It's another "wear what makes you feel the best" issue. You shouldn't feel shut out of wearing gold because someone told you that your skin is cool toned. Accessories shouldn't be that hard. To be honest, I probably look best in rose gold but how crazy would if be if I demanded everything in that one shade? So weird.

Also, mix your metals. It's cool and you can thank me later.

5. Always Belt When You Tuck

Sometimes I really hate belts. So I extra hate the doctrine that if you tuck your shirt, you have to wear a belt. It's so random. Sure, it might look neater, but what if I'm not going for neat? Also, I feel like belts can make an otherwise cute and casual outfit look a little overworked. So not necessary if you don't feel like it.

So, there you go. That's five fewer things you have to worry about when getting dressed in the morning. You can now go back to worrying about things like whether or not stains will wash out of your favorite pants and whether your kid is going to accidentally pull your shirt down in public.

You know, normal stuff.

What I Wore: Sneaky Lazy

Monday, August 25, 2014

 Sometimes, when I don't want to get all dressed up and just be lazy, I use this sneaky trick: Wear normal, lazy clothes with pattern and texture. Like, a T-shirt and jeans is pretty lame, but add some leopard and leather and then I'm like "Hey everyone I got dressed today!"

This is totally a "Shopping around on a Saturday" outfit. Nothing too special, but adding some texture and pattern makes it a little more wear-worthy, right? Also, I don't wear a lot of makeup and jewelry on lazy Saturdays, so leopard loafters make it all better (I bought them at K-Mart when I went in to get my kids' school supplies because I am a gem).

Shorts: Let's not get too excited I cut them off of an old pair of F21s (but I really like these)
Shoes: Bongo (here) Seriously, don't spend a ton on something as silly as leopard sneakers. 

Andrew loves to sneak into pictures. I'll bet 65 percent of all pictures I take look like this. 

Honestly, when it's still hot, boring, lazy outfits with zero layering are my favorite ever. And, since those days are numbered, I'll probably just soak up until I have to wear complicated outfits again. Today's outfit might end up being a swimsuit. Don't worry, I'll add a pattern. So fashion! 

Freaky Friday

Friday, August 22, 2014

 It's my son's kindergarten testing day and both my kids are still passed out in bed. One day we'll work out a predictable schedule, I just know it. For now, I'm waking them up 20 minutes before the bus gets here. Hey, it's about priorities: In my home, sleep trumps all.

He starts officially on Monday, so it'll kick off the first day of me being kid-less all morning. I don't even know what I'll do with myself. Probably rummage around for cereal and watch the Today Show when I should be doing something more productive.

But also blogging about bad clothes, because that's my true calling in life.

Val sent over this skirt, which has a viewing panel for the least flattering part of your body and the convenient addition of saddlebags. 

 Deborah sent me this "prom dress" (PROM DRESS) that looks like it was made from those chenille extra blankets every hotel room has in its closet. 

 I got this excellent diaper skirt from Brenda. This is what happens when you have kids, guys: Diapers scar you so deeply for life that they're all you can see. 

Don't even get me started on the Diaper Genie. Otherwise known as the "Swamp Tube" in our home.

Brenda also sent these, which definitely look like Fat Steps on "The Mindy Project."

I really, really miss "The Mindy Project." Summer TV sucks. Thanks for nothing, "Bachelor in Paradise."

B was on a roll, because she also sent me this loin cloth. I like that the person who pinned this gave suggestions to make it more attractive. How about killing it with fire, along with those awful sandals?

Pin that, suckers.  

 I feel like this could be a costume choice for "Game of Thrones." Maybe I'll just buy it and lord myself over people from the carpool line in my Tahoe at school. 

 It's like this scarf was a project your kid made and now you have to pretend like you love it. "Aw, sweetie! I love that you used so much glitter. Okay, mommy's just going to stuff this in the back of her closet where it will be safe forever." 

 Just when you think there's no possible way to mess up a plain button-up, you scroll your mouse past this. 

I love that this sweater is the world's worst shade of pink, but also that it has holes riiiiiiight about where your nipples would be. Granted, I would hope you'd be wearing a bra and never buy this sweater, so I guess it's OK. 

Oh geez, I am cutting things dangerously close time-wise over here. Showing up late to everything is an excellent way to set a precedent, right?

Beauty Review: Younique Moonstruck 3D Fiber Lashes

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A lot of my friends have permanent eyelash extensions. And they all look amazing, but I've never been able to commit to them for a bunch of reasons. First is that I just don't have the time: Fills take a few hours every couple of weeks and seriously, there's no way I could do that. Another issue is that I know that they can be damaging and I'm hyper-vain about my eyelashes. I love them. I would never do anything to jeopardize the deep and lasting relationship we have.

Also, the idea of sitting in a chair for a couple of hours, talking to a stranger who is poking at my eyes is actually horrifying to me. Social anxiety FTW!

So when reader Janica offered to send me some of Younique's 3D Fiber Lashes, I was super excited to try 'em on. I'd seen them around before, read some reviews, but never pulled the trigger.

But, I can officially tell you that I'm kind of a convert now.

It's a two-step product. After putting on your usual mascara (I wear this) you put on a sealant, then the fibers (which are made from green tea) and then the sealant again. All in all, it's about a one-minute process and I did get some killer results. Here are some before and afters (and some obscenely close shots of my face because you know, THAT'S what you want to see at 9am on a Wednesday):

 The first shot is without anything. The second, with mascara only and the third, with the fiber lashes. RIGHT!? Right.

Moral of the story: I heart these forever and I'm not just saying that because someone gifted them to me.

When I read reviews, most were positive, but a couple had some issues. After a couple of days of trial and error, I have some tips for people trying fiber lashes.

1) Don't wait forever for your mascara to dry before you put them on. The instructions say it should be dry, but I had better results when it was just *barely* dried. Like, a minute after putting it on.

2) DO NOT try and put on more than one coat of fibers at a time. The first time I put them on, I did the blinky thing I do when putting on regular mascara and I think it deposited too many fibers and they were prone to clumping flake-age. The next time, I did one sweep and that was it. And it was perfect.

I think both clumping and flaking was a concern with online reviews, but I'm pretty convinced people are putting them on too thick when they flake off. Think thin, people!

3) If you want another layer of fibers, you still need to put on the sealant, wait for it to dry AND THEN add another (singular) coat of fibers. These pics are just one coat though, so I really think one is plenty.

4) My only complaint with these bad boys is the fact that if you were, by chance, a day napper (uh, not that I am or anything) that waking up with these after falling asleep in front of Say Yes to the Dress at 3pm, they might be a little sticky.

But that's like, just a theory and stuff.

5) If you're an eyelash curler (like, someone who curls your eyelashes and not an actual eyelash curler because what are you doing on the Internet, beauty tool?) do so carefully. I found that any creases or missed spots were magnified after I put the fibers on.

Anyway, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun with a product. I'm a mascara junkie anyhow, so it was fun to play around with something that made such a huge difference.

Seriously check these babies out.

 Here they are in natural, non-crappy bathroom lighting and with a hat that I bought that I'm not very sure about just yet.

Anyway, if I were rating these, I'd probably give them like, an 8.5. I found them to be extremely effective, but there is a learning curve to using them.

If you're interested in giving them a shot, you can buy the Moonstruck 3D Fiber Lashes here

Yay for Minnie Mouse eyelashes and fun products! 

What I Wore: Calming Blue

Monday, August 18, 2014

 We spent all weekend celebrating the beginning of school. I took the kids out for lunch and to the arcade on Friday (where my daughter won this huge, embarrassing jackpot on one of the games so we came home with like, 6 new stuffed animals and a raging gambling addiction) and then headed out on the lake on Saturday for some tubing and wakeboarding.

Now I'm just sore and anxious because I get anxious about everything and meet-the-teacher day and the first day of school are no exceptions to that rule. I need to remember to add money to lunch accounts, wash backpacks and charm my children's teachers so they're OK with the fact that we're going on vacation in the next couple of weeks. Ugh.

 Top: a.n.a. (similar) (also pretty close
Skirt and belt: modbod (super cute alternative) (similar and cheap)
Shoes: Steve Madden Xfoliate (here) (almost a carbon copy)
 I love these shoes. I was afraid I was going to fall the entire time I wore them, but I love them just the same. So be advised accordingly. 

This is my fave pic from that day.

Isn't blue supposed to be a calming color? I'm going to go put it on from head to toe and I'll get through the next couple of days. I think. 

Freaky Friday

Friday, August 15, 2014

 Have you ever had one of those dreams where your husband makes you mad and you wake up in a bad mood toward him even though he didn't do anything? Yeah, that happened to me this morning. I know it's not really fair, but Dream Justin was a jerk and he paid dearly for it this morning.

I swear I'm an emotionally balanced person.


I posted these on my Facebook page. They're the new jeans from the much-anticipated Nasty Gal denim line and they're called the MILF jean, I kid you not. Their description also includes the term "roomy rear" and those sandals just make me overall pretty depressed (but not as depressed as overalls HAHAHA I kill myself). I want to tell this mom to get rid of her 80s jeans and clean herself up a bit before she goes to Hobby Lobby or wherever she's off to.

 Speaking of bad dreams: This.

 Charlotte sent me this very pricey Kate Spade clutch. I swear I'd be nervous to leave it out in the sun. 

 We took my daughter back-to-school shopping at H&M and my husband was like "WHY does everything have cats on it?" And I felt like the answer was irony, except it wasn't funny at all. 

 Hey, bloggers are going to start smacking you in the face with the fact that fall "is just around the corner!" (It's 90 degrees in Utah) so start looking for your clownpimp jacket before they sell out!

 This is straight-up Pocahontas. 

 Finally, a necklace that looks like you're being attacked by a swarm of bees.

 There's harem pants (which are horrible) and then there's these, which are labeled as harem pants, but I believe are actually traditional Bulgarian dancing gear. 

Nice high tops, though. 

Save time! Wear a boot/clog/sandal/pump and you'll be prepped for anything.

I'm still in a cranky mood, but it's officially the last day of summer vacation so I can't be cranky for long. I'm taking my kids out for a "We Made It!" celebration. 

There might be ice cream involved. 

Good mood restored. Take that, Dream Justin! 


Powered by Blogger.
Related Posts with Thumbnails
Blog contents © How Not to Dress Like A Mom 2010. Blogger Theme by Nymphont.